The above image is a screenshot of something I came across on Twitter, and it's something I feel needs to be addressed in a rational, reasonable, and logical way. Unfortunately, the reason that women often say this type of unhealthy generalization is often unspecific and misguided, but that is why we must address it! Are there men who are complete asshats? Sure. Hell, some of us guys have or at least have known a few men who fit the description. We all know who they are, especially women everywhere. Could be a boss, a buddy, a womanizing uncle, a misogynist grandfather, or a male friend who thinks that an appropriate way to get a first date is to punch a girl/woman in the nose. I fail to see with my only good eye how that last one would ever work, and even if that one was a remark of jest, it's still inappropriate to say the least. The bottom line is this: it's beyond true that "not all men" exist as assholes.
First off, it's never appropriate to make broad generalizations on any one group of people, much less having such remarks towards an entire gender. There is a lot of precedent on why this matters. A lot of history that has been written that has been documented about giving any one group or even a particular individual such a broad stroke of generalizing. In the United States in particular, we have such a checkered past with making a lot of unsubstantiated generalized claims about people. In fact, if we didn't have so much generalizing, we might actually learn to co-exist more cooperatively and peacefully, but here we are. In the 21st century, no less, and we still haven't learned from our history. Such an example is of some of my fellow countrymen & countrywomen saying some dumb bullshit like "All Muslims are terrorists!" See what I did? I used a qualifier of "some" rather than "all" to be less general in my statement about my fellow citizens, and then used those less-general citizens as my example of them saying something stupid like "All [name a group of people] are [something bad]!" This has got to stop! Especially when we have a culture that seems to thrive on being combative, or even intentionally hurtful when it comes to any one particular group, no matter how much or how little of it is actually the truth. We've even had some violent encounters from some of our fellow human beings because of someone generalizing anybody that wasn't "in" with the popular opinion.
The second is this: When we don't use specific examples, those who do feel hurt by the generalizations are often being ignored, or mistaken for something else entirely. It's when somebody feels the need to generalize a group of people that often hurts an innocent person who doesn't deserve it, especially if the conjecture is meant to include anyone who is even remotely fitting the description. It's exactly the kind of thing that makes even the most caring person seem like a bully. In my ever so humble opinion, being a bully is wrong, no matter how one justifies it! And no matter their reasons.
This article here goes on about why women who use such general statements who are perpetuating the idea that "all men are jerks" are not helpful. The author touches on toxic masculinity, and goes on to say that men already have it rough with that type of thing. Growing up, if you are of the male side of humanity, you got called a sissy for having enjoyed playing with girls. If a boy/man held hands with a girl/woman or kissed one, hugged one, or anything else that wasn't part of the male sexual conquest, then those of us on the male side would have been called a pussy, or something far worse because we decided at an early age that being an asshole wasn't what we wanted to be like around girls/women.
For instance, my father was a bit sexist as well as abusive. He'd often say to my brother and I, "Life's a bitch, and then you marry one!" Or something like "all women are goofy!" often referring to our mother, and often after he had been abusive to both her and to both my brother and myself. In fact, I don't ever recall getting "the talk" from my late dad about male sexuality with regards to behavior towards women, and about how to be an appropriately behaved man in a relationship, but seeing and hearing and experiencing his abusive side, I swore at a young age that I would never treat women that way, no matter how angry I was for any reason.
Then there was my mother who would also say things like "men are pigs!" Or "All men are assholes!", and this would refer to my late father, but at the time when I was much younger, I didn't know that was what she meant, and yes it did hurt me emotionally. Whether she intended to or otherwise, it made me feel like I was guilty just because I was a male. That no matter what I do, because I was a boy (now a full grown man) I was always going to be this terrible person for being 1) my [late] father's son, and 2) a man. Even if I had never mistreated a girl/woman, I was guilty of such things just for being those two characteristics.
She would also say things like "You're just like your father!", and she meant it as an insult rather than a compliment. This I picked up right away, believing that I did indeed inherit his behavior. That just being my father's son meant I was an asshole too, even when I hadn't understood what she meant at the time. This was her being emotionally abusive, which coupled with my late father's physical abuse was just as bad.
Growing up in our home, there had been a lot of abusive behavior, language, insults, and etc that went on during my childhood that I can't repeat here out of fear of being bullied (again) even as a 41year old man. Things that my late father, my mother, and my brother had all said aloud to me that harmed my social development. However, it was the sociological aspects of the abuse, i.e. "all men are [something bad]" or "all women are [something bad]" that made me want to turn away from having meaningful relationships with anybody. I believed that because my mom and my dad had both said such shit that it must be true, so I decided that a relationship would not be possible for me.
I'm sure that I am not the only guy who grew up in this type of environment. I am probably not alone in thinking that because I was told that I was just as bad as my dad that I was undeserving of a loving relationship with anyone, especially women. And to this day, I've never been out on an actual date, much less kissed a girl/woman, and nor have I had any sexual relationship. All because I felt I was doing everybody a favor by not perpetuating my dad's bloodline. Sure, my family name may live on elsewhere, but not through myself or my brother as far as I know.
The conclusion is simple. When we use generalizations, it hurts innocent people regardless of how we may have intended it. Let's be honest with each other. In the aforementioned article, the author goes even further saying how we don't celebrate being nice to one another. In fact, we tend to celebrate being vindictive, petty, or even hurtful often without realizing how much we've hurt someone in the process. We have body-shamers, victim-shamers, woman-bashers, men-bashers, virgin-shamers, and sex-shamers. Even "nice guy/gal"-shamers as well! And with both men & women, we have these types of shamers everywhere. We all know them at some point in our lives. They could be a family member or a loved one outside of the immediate family, a friend, a co-worker, a colleague, a schoolmate, a classmate, staff members at a school, members of a company's leadership, a politician, anybody that feels the need to put people down for any reason, and it doesn't need to be a good reason. And even if it is a good reason, it's STILL never okay to be abusive indiscriminately. Even with the best of intentions, we could be hurting someone who doesn't deserve it unintendedly.
So, yeah, saying "all men" or "all women" is hurtful, especially to those who don't deserve it. I see some women like to comment with "Where are all the nice guys at!?", but that's just it. Us "nice guys" are too fearful to pursue any relationship out of being unjustly branded as being part of "all men", even though we're already lumped into that all-inclusive generalization or have been shamed by other men for not being part of that "all-men" listing.
And yes, we don't fucking deserve it one bit! I swore I would never, EVER, be like my late father. Especially after witnessing him being abusive to my mother, I swore that should I be lucky enough to have a woman in my life as more than a friend, in a loving relationship with her, that I would never lay a hand on her, and that I would do my best to be there for her in ways my late dad just couldn't be. But what I don't do is tolerate being lumped in with the "all men" comments when I've never even been in any meaningful relationships. Want the "nice guys", ladies? Try being nice to those of us "nice guys" who don't deserve such accusatory comments.
But if men like me keeping hearing and/or reading the "all men" comments, then we the "nice guys" will remain hidden. Because we would rather stay hidden than be told how we're all the same as the men who are something awful even though we've done nothing wrong. Making assumptions of an entire gender based on the actions of a few is disturbingly wrong and harmful. A friend of mine liked saying "all women are just a bunch of bitches!", and I couldn't tell if he was just joking, or if he actually meant it. I'm guessing he meant it because he had bad experiences with girls/women too, but when he said shit like that, it was like nails on a chalkboard for me. As it should be for any halfway decent man out there.
Let's try a different approach. Let's try being more specific, and use less generalization in our words. Just spitballing, but maybe we need to try listening to each other rather than make assumptions! Especially when there's been no effort to get to know specific individuals. Maybe we ought to start doing more of that!
