A dream among many

So, tonight, since about midnight, I was playing a video game on my PS4 console system.  I was enjoying myself for the most part, but I felt really... alone.  Sure, I have a friend who plays the game as well, but I never like to bother him, because he's playing a different faction, for one.  I figure he's doing his own thing, so why should I bother him for quests or missions for my own benefit?  The answer is, I don't.  And two, it's not at all that I am against sharing loot on enemies killed, but I have honestly no idea what might be within my level of interest or his.

Then I started to think, "You know what would make playing video games even better?  It would be nice to work, and then earn my time playing the video games in question."  You know?  Doing a job, getting paid, and being able to pay bills, and then have some money left over to indulge in said games."

Maybe I need to stay in school, if nothing else to feel like I earned my time to play my video games.  Mom says I should consider something with graphic art design with video games, but I'm not an artist.  My art creations are awful, at best.  Add to that, I've heard a lot of horror stories about game testers, designers, etc being crammed to finish a product by a deadline.  The last thing I need is to be given a stressful work environment.

But then I thought, "What could I do?"  I mean, I love music, but I'm not creative there, either.  I want music to be a hobby, and not a job.  And just like game design, there are deadlines that make the job stressful.

I think if I could spend my time writing, and getting paid for it, that might be a better use of my time.  I love to write.  As long as it's a topic I find interesting.  Just don't ask me to present it.  I feel like I don't have a knack for presentation, but I know that not many careers exist where writing doesn't have its own deadlines and stressors. 

Maybe there are no careers fit me comfortably.  Maybe that's the point.  When we all get a job for the first time, it's always going out of our comfort zone.

I'm just so tired of feeling cooped up in this apartment, having only doctor appointment after doctor appointment routine, and the days where we have absolutely none of that going on, I tend to sleep all day long, because if I get up, my mother will undoubtedly want to go somewhere either for food, or to get "supplies" for the dog that apparently can't wait another day.

Then I started to think about things like my 7pc. drum set that I have on hold.  I thought about once I have paid in full for it, where would I put it?  Storage space would be at least $75-$100 a month.  And as it is with two payday loans outstanding, plus trying to pay dear older brother for the truck issues, I feel like it would be a financial burden unless I had a house.

And that brought up thoughts about even having a house.  My whole thought process when I started going to college was so that one day, I could get off of SSDI, make some decent amount of money for a nice and small house with enough rooms for a game room/entertainment room, a music room, and then my bedroom with a living and dining room area.  Plus a two car garage.

That was my dream when I started, but having persistent migraine headaches, having persistent infections (specifically MRSA), and having outstanding debt just makes the dream of owning a house seem like a fairy tale more than a dream.  And it's not a happy fairy tale ending, because it is certainly fictional.

Living with my mother has brought out the cynic in me.  I've always tried staying hopeful, but lately, there are days when I stay in bed all day long, and my thoughts are "Why should I get out of bed?  What is it that we're going to do that's anywhere near fun, except for mom to go shopping while I babysit her dog while in either a hot car, or a cold car depending on the weather. I've not only become a live-in aide to everything, but I've become dogsitter-in-chief because, *drum roll please*, she has no one else to do it. 

Oh. Every once in a while, she (mom) can coax her part time bf to watch the dog, but that has consequences, especially for the dog.  He gives her table scraps even though mom and I have strongly discouraged this behavior.  We end up with the vet bill while he gets to go home and take care of his own drama.

Me?  I have no one else other than Mom to hang out with, and that's the most fucking depressing thing to realize.  No matter where I go, no matter what I do, there's mom.  Even when I'm in class, she constantly texts me about weather updates, and keeps questioning if I should have scheduled ride.

And that in itself presents problems because she strongly encouraged me to get recertified BEFORE my time was up, and during the test she kept texting and calling me DURING RTD's tests.  So, I was a little perturbed by it, and as a result my criteria for rides are now restricted from dusk to dawn. 

Add to that, I'm almost always a passenger in my own vehicle that I own, and I almost never get to drive unless mom has a serious problem.  And even then, she doesn't trust that I can effectively drive.  And that was BEFORE I had my blind eye removed.  Now I barely drive at all. 

Which brings me back to days when I stay in bed, I think to myself "Why?" And "Where will I be traveling to as a passenger in my own fucking vehicle?"  It's just fucking depressing. 

Which leads me to thinking all of my dreams and hopes have been coming to a grinding halt because of A) medical problems that are persistent, B) an overbearing mother who can't for once let me be independent, and C) I feel as though my soul dies a little every day that I'm not in control of even my own fucking vehicle, or in charge of what's best for me.

This is why there are days when I just say to myself "FUCK IT!  I'm just staying in bed unless I get to go somewhere on my own without mom, without the dog, without being told to do anything." And God forbid I go to a fast food place and the instant I come home to eat, it's "Why didn't you call me and ask what I wanted?"  Of course, this would imply that on any given occasion that I'm out and about, I MUST consider what my mother might want, even though I know that later on she might regret her choices in food.  So, I have to avoid bringing home any food at all, no evidence, no trace that I went and indulged for myself and myself only.  Yes, that would mean I did something selfish.  And maybe because I wanted to save money. 

My point being that I'm never truly alone when I'm out and about driving to where I want to go, because mom is almost always a phone call or text away from saying she needs (wants) something. 

Going back to school has been on mind because of the persistent health problems.  I was told that instead of using up all of my deferments, I could opt for income-driven repayment plan, which would effectively make my payments $0/mo.  But then what happens when I want to resume taking classes?  Will I be able to?  Or will I still have the mom problem?  Where everything I do is completely a choice, which it is, but going to school is what I WANT and NEED if I want a good paying JOB in the future, so it's kind of a HAVE TO kind of thing that she doesn't understand.  Some people go even if their completely sick, and persevere.  A little snow sprinkle, and mom loses her shit over whether I should even go to class at all.

I'm just so sick of this shit, and each day I'm not fulfilling any realistic dreams, a little of me dies a little inside.  And mom does not make it any better.  Quite the opposite, she makes it worse.

Some thoughts here and there on my mind

I hate to do it, but lying to mom about what my psychologist doctor said makes me feel a little relieved.  Now, I just need to get a message to my therapist on the 25th about the lie, and why it's important that we maintain that lie.  Well, to be fair, it was not a lie.  More like an exaggeration of the truth.  And the truth is, I don't need more sleep meds.  What I need is less "Mom" interruptions at night, especially when I've earned my free time to do what I want, when I want to do it, and especially when the next day we have absolutely no appointments or errands to run.  Why is it that I should have to lie/exaggerate to mom to be less of a pain in my ass?  And why is it that I feel relieved when she accepts the lie? 

As both the doctor and the therapist have both put it, mom brings an air of anxiety that I don't need.  She'll bring up problems that her friends or family members have, as though I care about their troubles.  I mean, it's not that I'm that kind of asshole.  I just don't care for drama.  It's just not me, but unfortunately she uses me the same way her friends and family have used her, like a punching bag.

We have tried the boundaries thing where I say "No more unnecessary gossip, unless there is an extreme 911 emergency, after 11pm."  At that point, I cease to care at all about anyone else's troubles as though they were my own.  And to be honest, even before that gossip curfew, whenever she brings up what her mom or sisters or brother say, or if it's from my own brother, or if it has to do with her BF's family drama issues, I tend to think to myself, "And why should I care?  It's not even my problem.  Not even remotely my problem.  Or hers."  It's as though she takes everyone's drama issues and soaks it all up like a sponge. 

You want to know why none of her family members, my brother, or her boyfriend have ever called me or texted me their drama issues at any given point?  It's because I have the chutzpah to say, in no uncertain terms, "It's not my problem.  I can give suggestions to help you, but I can't be the one to hold your hand while you stumble upon every obstacle.  I have my own problems to worry about, and that means there is no vacancy in my mind for your baggage."

Well, especially if it were my own brother.  In fact, my therapist this last Monday 7/10/2017, she offered to mediate a sort of "peace treaty" between myself and my older brother so that if we (mom and I) did decide to move back to Las Vegas, we might be able to live with my older brother.  I told the therapist if she can persuade my mother to agree to such a thing, I'm open to the idea, but I have little to no faith that mom would agree to such a negotiation with my older brother knowing our family history.

Sure enough, after her appointment with the same therapist I go to, it became clear to me that she told the therapist, and I'm only guessing here, that it wouldn't be possible.  There exists too much animosity with my brother and I, and to some extent between mom and my older brother as well.  We can only "tolerate" him, but his narcisstic personality is so staunchly part of his mannerisms that he would never agree to any kind of sincere apology or reconciliation.  This is not me being pessimistic about our relationship as brothers, it's a matter of fact and of history.

Anyway, to go back to my original point.  Mom tends to take on her friends and family drama as though she has to be the problem solver, the peacemaker, everything to them.  Because not a single one of them would a) know how or where to start looking for their own solutions, and b) none of them would do the same for her if the roles were reversed.  And the fact that her family members are all self-proclaimed "devout Christians"  makes me annoyed.  Annoyed that such "devout Christian" people would shrug her off, but the moment they need help, they turn to her and dump all their emotional baggage onto her.  And then she turns and does it to me, and on more than one occasion, I have expressed my disinterest to be her "whipping boy" as it were to dump her emotional baggage brought on by people in her family and friends onto me.

Don't misunderstand me, though.  When her best friend died last year, it's been hard on her.  I get it.  Grieving is a process that one does not just "get through" and move on quickly.  It's taken me, personally, over a decade to start to be able to talk about my dad's death without bursting into tears.

So, I offered my support even though her best friend, my aunt (not related), was not my best friend.  Her passing really didn't resonate with me as much as say a family member or relative.  However, the moment mom comes to me and complains about her friends, her family, even her boyfriend, and to some extent her "emotional support" dog, it's like a switch inside my head goes on saying "These are not YOUR problems to fix!"  And "They're not even my problems, either.  Not even remotely!

The kicker?  I talked to the psychologist doctor (who also holds an M.D.) about when mom frequently harasses me at night when I'm playing my video games, or watching TV/movies, sometimes until the morning of the next day, and if mom (or even the doctor should be concerned), the doctor responded with, "You're a grown man.  You can do what you want, and she should not be bothering you about your choices that aren't harming anyone!"

I grinned from ear to ear on that one.  I mean, when I let my sleep come naturally, I sleep better.  Even if it means I am up until 3 or 4am the next day.  When I have to force myself to sleep long before I'm ready because mom feels that if she goes to bed early, so should everyone else, it gets me anxious.  I have a hard time letting myself relax, because of the anxiety of having to acquiesce to her wishes that I sleep on the same schedule as her.

This is why, on more than one occasion, we have both expressed to the therapist our desire to live separately.  It wouldn't mean I would not help her if she called, but being apart might do us both a lot of good, and give both of us a chance to really grow and maybe not depend on each other so heavily.  We're pretty much co-dependent right now, and that's... that's just unhealthy.  Especially when mom likes to find things to complain about. 

Unfortunately, being on a waiting list for section 8 housing is about the worst place to be.  My original thought when I began going to school was to eventually go back to work, even if it's part time only, and to eventually get into a house where I can have my music instruments in a specific room to play on and practice.  That was the dream. 

The truth is, I'm starting to doubt my ability to go to either work or even to school if I'm still having a multitude of existing medical problems.  I still get bad headaches, usually from an infection or from inflammation inside my left eye socket.  I still have days where I feel incredibly sick, and I'm almost always exhausted, even on days when we have done nothing important.  Like nothing at all important.

I'm going to talk with an academic advisor in about 2 weeks to talk about whether I can do another deferment, and what that might mean if I had to reapply to college or not, or if I should consider dropping out.  I know there are consequences either way I go.  If I continue to attend school, and have medical issues arise that interfere with my work (or mom interfering with my work, because she tends to ask about homework as though I'm in high school which makes me feel anxious), I may as well kiss that associate's degree goodbye.  If I drop out, I'm still kissing that degree goodbye, but also I would be required to start paying back my student loans.  Though, because I do not have any gainful employment income, my payments would be $0 per month until I did get a job, if any. 

So, I got a lot of things on my mind, and also this latest thing with mom putting up her guard when I mentioned I found a guy who claims to be a personal trainer who found my note, it just feels like nothing is ever good enough for her.  Like unless I'm as miserable as she feels, she won't be happy.  She can't be happy for me that, by accident, I came across someone willing to help me achieve my goals with regards to exercise.  Instead, like her sisters that she complains about, she's been full of piss and vinegar the past day or so.  It's making me feel annoyed.  Maybe even a little upset that nothing I do is ever good enough or safe enough for me in her eyes.

I guess I would just like it if, for once, she actually listens when I say to her that I'm not interested in the drama factory, I'm not interested in the same things she is, and that maybe I want to take a risk and maybe earn a new friend who happens to be supposedly capable of helping me get into a good routine of exercise.

Maybe I'm just asking for the unreasonable when it comes to mom.

*sigh*  In the words of Bilbo Baggins (Ian Holm), "I need a holiday.  A very long holiday.  And I don't think I shall return.  In fact, I mean not to!"