My days in late 2007 through mid 2008

From the desk of Jeffrey R. Kuntzelman 2019

From "Memories" on Facebook...

Honestly, I have no recollection of what exactly I did that was such a "FUBAR" event. Only thing I can think of is that I dropped an F-bomb on a customer. Of course, at the time in 2008, I was sleeping on a friend of my older brother's place, I was sleep deprived due to having sometimes only 2 or 3 hours of sleep every night, and then waking at 6am every morning, followed by being at work at 8am later in the morning, followed by waiting to start my shift at Sitel which would've been 11am. My shift would end around 6pm or 7pm. Then, because my brother often feels like he's the only one who has EVER worked a "real job", in his view, we all (roommates, my brother, etc) would listen to my brother gripe about his day. Often starting with "I had this one customer...." and as for the validity, or whether he was embellishing his stories (I believe it was the latter), he would babble on the whole night until 1 or 2am. This went on from November 2007 to about late April/May 2008. Which would lead me to an all-out venting to my brother, and subsequently having to be admitted to a hospital in May 2008, followed by my walking away from my job (figuratively & literally), which would then end up being the last job I worked over 10 years ago.

Whatever the "FUBAR" was, it probably was the catalyst for all of the events leading up to my eventual hospital visit, twice, and then losing my job. Not long afterward, I moved to Colorado to live with mom, and that was a rough couple of years at first.

Still, though, I don't remember at all what the "FUBAR" was, but I'm glad I'm not in that type of work anymore. Now, I just want to focus my efforts on becoming a musician. To what degree or extent is yet to be determined, but regardless, the events of late 2007 through almost mid-2008 made me realize my brother is an asshole!  And not just an asshole, but one who is aware of his narcissism, and sometimes enjoys it.  Like a sociopath.  Probably gaslighting people in his path, including yours truly.  

When my mother wants to bring up anything regarding my brother, I instantly become anxious.  I tell her I don't want to talk about my brother about anything related to his ... life or lifestyle.  My therapist believes that my reaction to my mother bringing up my older sibling, describing my inability to trust people as a result of being harassed & bullied from K through 12 (right up to HS graduation day June 11th, 1998), my surviving abuse of all kinds as a child, are all what she considers consistent with PTSD.  

Anyway, the FUBAR incident is something I must've blocked out.  I can't recall anything about that day.  Of course, because I had no real outlet to vent, and I didn't have my journals to write in, either online or manual pen/pencil & paper (which I've hidden, because nobody will get to read that shit when I leave this world several decades from now), I don't have any record that can give me clues to what it was.  I'm fairly certain it was the incident in which I was "randomly selected" for a drug test, and when I was told "You popped positive for codeine!", I was furious with Sitel at that, because it was part of my prescription pain killer medication.  I was suspended for 3 days for something that I was legally taking at the direction of my primary doctor.

I'm so very lucky I walked away from that job.  I had fantasized about bashing in my brother's head with a frying pan.  He often came home so blitzed out of his fucking mind, he wouldn't have seen it coming or had time to react.  I'm glad I didn't carry out that fantasy, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have nights where I was really considering it.

At this point, though, I wish I could go back to early 2003, and help get my doctors to start thinking outside the box with their pain management methods.  I wish I would have considered removing my eye much sooner, like around 2003/2004-ish.  Finding out there were indications of detached retina, chronic and acute hemorrhaging, and the baerveldt implants for my glacuoma being too big for the eye were part of the reason I was consistently having days & nights filled with such awfully severe pain.  And very little compassion from my older brother didn't help me at all.

Remember, according to my older brother, NOBODY works harder or as hard as my older brother.  Nobody has a job worse than his job.  And of course, when it came to my work, my job, he didn't believe I did ANYTHING close to what he might consider "hard work", because again, NOBODY works as hard as my older brother.  

Just thinking about that year doesn't give me any "happy thoughts".  It's hard to not want to have a "mental health day" where I accept that I have deep feelings that can't be simply "cried away".  The only way I can ever get better is if someone does the one thing I know that they'll never do.  Apologize!

And even if he/she offered the apology, I have strongly held doubts that they'd ever be sincere.  And would I be willing to accept it at all?  Probably not.  The urge to punch my brother in the face multiple times might be overwhelming.

*sigh*

Some things just shouldn't have gone the way that they did in 2007 and 2008.  I honestly feel that year(s) had been the start of my decline in health, especially my physical health, my emotional health, and my mental health, and not having access to mental health resources were a challenge in Southern Nevada, especially in Las Vegas, NV, and not having access to social outlets to let me vent more often also didn't help me one bit.

This, among other times in my life, are the reason I wish I could go back in time, change events in my life, and seriously violate the Temporal Prime Directive.  I'd violate the shit out of it!

The Era of Trumpism Will Fall... someday!

I want it stated for the record that 1) I've been anti-Trump before it was cool, also 2) I don't support many of the policies that Trump has put into place especially the ones that are inherently divisive, & some of which I've called as "Crimes against humanity" when his regime/administration separated illegal immigrant children from their families at the border.  Regardless of their legal status & residency, it is NEVER okay to take children away from parents.  Ever! 

Finally, some Trumpsters & Trump loyalists would say "You've never given him a chance!  You need to give him a chance!".... uh, no!  No, I don't need to do jack shit.  Trump's heart is not one of love, of compassion, or even mildly good.  The moment he mocked a disabled American journalist is when he lost any & all respect from me, personally.  Not that he'd care, anyway, but that one moment is what made me lose any respect I had for Trump.  And there wasn't much left to begin with.  His supporters say, "But he does it to everyone he knows!"  That just makes Trump look like a bigger asshole than before.  "But that didn't really happen!" Some Trumpsters would say.  In response, I did witness it on LIVE broadcast television.  This was not a "reality"-based series, this was a moment captured on live TV broadcast, totally unedited & unscripted.  I know what it is that I saw with my one good eye.  Hard to miss shit like that when it occurs. 

Even the more recent live broadcast of when Jim Acosta was being cut short (because Trump didn't like the question), while a Trump intern tried taking away the microphone, & Trump then banning Acosta from the WH press corps, all happened in real-time.  Not scripted like Trumpsters & Trump loyalists would have us believe otherwise.  All of this, and much more, are mere examples of the trend of Trumpism.  It seems to be a defining characteristic that if someone, say Trump himself, had done something awful, he has defenders & sympathizers who say it didn't really happen.  Then, they'll say "Maybe it did happen, but it's not a big deal!", then onward to "Maybe it's a big deal, but it's not illegal!", and finally, "Maybe it's illegal, but it's not wrong!"

When the fuck does being a sexist, racist, xenophobic, bigoted prick become "wrong"?  Where is the line drawn when Trump goes "too low" for comfort?  He's on record saying he could shoot someone in public, & he wouldn't lose any votes.  So, he could attempt murder, and what?  His supporters (Trumpsters & Trump loyalists) don't mind a murderous president?  That.... is awful.  That's also highly unorthodox, and also quite frightening knowing that both Trump & his supporters don't mind killing people who may or may not disagree with them on any one subject.

That's a criminal mindset.  It's also the hallmark of a dictatorship in the making.  Or as I like to call the Trump regime/administration, a "dictatorship-in-training" by Trump's dictatorship mentor Vladmir Putin, President of the Russian government.  All of that is the reason I resist Trumpism as much as I can.  I'm always anti-Trump & anti-Trumpism, but lately it's been getting tiresome.  No, I don't think I'll ever sink to the lows of Trumpism, but it seems like unless I post daily about being anti-Trump, people tend not to listen.  Trumpism among Trumpsters & Trump loyalists would want us to quit, because "resistance is futile", but I'm here to stay & reaffirm that "Resistance is NOT futile" when it comes to resisting Trump's actions, policies, political affiliations & operations, etc.

But....

When will we see an end to the Era Of Trumpism? I don't think it will ever be truly iradicated completely from mindsets of the right & alt-right. Especially when many Trumpsters & Trump Loyalists have future generations, and are teaching their younglings the fundamental principles of hate, of racism, of bigotry, of xenophobia while making it seem like it's all right with their Jesus & their God. Which, in of itself, is a very scary thought. It feels like we've been abandoning reason, logic, & especially compassion for our fellow American citizens, our fellow human beings, but most importantly we tend to forget a basic rule. "Do unto others how you want to be treated!" Sounds simple enough, until you get to Trump!

The Trump Crime Family aka the Trump KKKlan, as well as the entire Trump Regime (aka Trump administration) & the GOP entirely are a reminder that there are some people who wouldn't know kindness even if it bit them in the ass like a damn German shepherd canine, or a shark. Unless you're their constituents, and you've sworn a loyalty oath of fealty to his Majesty Donald Trump & the Trump dynasty. But that's only the scratch of the surface to a much larger problem.

Granted, Republikkkans, including Trumpsters & Trump Loyalists, have been at this racist, bigoted mindset for years, even decades! Now, though, we're starting to see some Democrats & Anti-Trumpism folks being just as bad, if not worse, than the Republikkkans involved in the expansion of Trumpism.  It's beginning to feel like NO ONE is safe from being scrutinized by the public.  Even people who truly have the best interests of ALL Americans everywhere are not necessarily the people we would want in our homes on a personal level.

But truth be told, anybody is better than Trump.  Especially when he has repeatedly shown the people his true colors.  Mocking disabled Americans, demeaning to women, constantly claiming not to be racist yet exclaims like Hell that we're being flooded with Mexican illegal immigrants & that they're the reason he wants a Wall at our southern border, & constantly lies on a pace unparalleled by any of his predecessors.  He seems to have the mindset that he can do no wrong (the same mindset is within his supporter base, the Trumpsters & Trump loyalists), can break any law he wishes, & usurp our country's Constitution at every turn. 

Which is why this fight against Trumpism has been the most mentally exhausting thing to have to do as a United States citizen.  Of course, I've never liked Trump, & there are very few Republicans ("Republikkkans") that I could say I have faith in, save one at the moment.  Robert Mueller III is among the small number of Republican men whom I'd like to see succeed in bringing down the biggest case of high-profile treason involving collusion with a foreign government, in this instance Russia & president Putin, & bring to justice one Donald Trump & his entire Trump crime syndicate including his adult children.

Especially Jared Kushner for having illegal contacts with Russian agents whose goals were to install their choice of person for OUR country's government, especially the highest elected office, the President of the United States.  Trump claims it's all a witch hunt, but in the next breath, wants to see Hillary Clinton investigated (yet again), "...because her emails!"  This is not a real winner.  This is what we call a "sore winner", borderline dictator who wants to jail his critics, his current & potential future political opponents, his business rivals, & of course anyone who might have any disagreements with his policies which are what I'd consider highly unConstitutional. 

Trump's illegitimate presidency is a reminder that we need to hold our elected representatives to a higher standard.  To hold them accountable, & make sure they're ALL aware that they're NOT ABOVE THE LAW!  Which Trump claims to cherish, until the law is eyeballing him & his co-conspirators in their mission to commit treason, which is a serious crime, & a complete violation of Trump's oath of office.  Lying while under that oath should be an impeachable offense all its own.  It WAS an impeachable offense back in the late 1990's when the Republican-led Congress at the time drafted Articles of Impeachment against President Bill Clinton for lying about his sex affair with Monica Lewinsky.  For LYING about his sexual relationship with Monica Lewinsky.  Let that sink in for a moment.  He lied about it, & was impeached but NOT convicted of any serious crime (except he did get censured by the Senate). Trump has lied about many things including about his own ties to Russia, to Putin, but denies it even when evidence to the contrary is being collected to use against the Traitor-in-Chief himself.

Yet, if you ask Senator "Kentucky Fried Chickenshit" Mitch McConnell, he would probably say some bullshit like how it's un-American to not be loyal to a president.  That it's "un-patriotic" to be anti-Trump.  Which is absolutely absurd.  My loyalties are, like many other Americans, with the United States, & not with a specific elected representative, i.e. the president.  My duties are to country, not a president.  That SHOULD be McConnell's priority, not submitting to Trump's every whim like he's a king. 

Let me reiterate something that NEEDS to be said:  Trump IS NOT A KING!  Nor should he be, ever!  He's on record as saying there should be a president for life.  The 22nd amendment is pretty clear on this.  A person can only be elected twice to president.  The amendment was ratified shortly after FDR's terms.  We got very lucky with him as our country's president during the Great Depression & WW2 (World War II).  It is because of the inherent dangers in having a "President for life" such as having someone LIKE TRUMP be in office that shouldn't be there to begin with.

It goes without saying that these last few years have been a roller coaster ride for those of us in The Resistance (to Trumpism), having the up's and downs of watching this regime (administration) attempt to undo the last 50 yrs of progressive policies toward making America even greater than before.  Trump would have us believe he's going to "Make America Great Again" (MAGA), which to him & his "Trumpsters" & "Trump Loyalists" means going back to pre-"Civil Rights" era, pre-"It's illegal & discouraged to be sexists!", pre-"We can't have racism rule our country!", & pre-"globalism" (because being an isolationist country in the early years of the 20th century worked so well for Americans until our complacency got us sucked into World War I).

When Trump announced he wants a wall, wants to abolish NAFTA & re-negotiate a "New NAFTA", & continually is very specific on how he wants these things done, I wonder to myself, as should ALL Americans, "What is Trump looking to gain?"  He is certainly NOT "Making America Great Again" when the things he's attempting to do are, in some way, benefitting both himself & his Trump KKKlan.  Which is why I believe this Border Wall idea of his is a scam.  He wants taxpayers to foot the bill (even after he said during his campaign that Mexico would pay for it), and I have to wonder if he's got someone, some companies in mind for the Wall construction effort.  Companies that may end up giving Trump billions. 

Which begs an even greater, more important question to the table: How much does Trump owe Putin?  Is there both a monetary value as well as "something else" that's owed?  Nobody, not one president before Trump has ever publicly kissed the ass of Russia (metaphorically-speaking).  It is a borderline submission disorder, catering to Putin's whims like Trump is merely Putin's puppet, or his "puppy" that will bark when Putin says "Speak!" Or Trump jumps when Putin snaps his fingers. 

Between the two of them, plus Kim Jong Un in N. Korea, I'm terrified that these men will undoubtedly spark WW3 (World War III), & if anyone is alive afterwards, they'll blame anyone else they can.  Because taking personal responsibility seems like a foreign concept to Trump & co.

But this whole thing with resisting Trump & resisting Trumpism has been awfully tiresome.  Right now, I'd be happy as a clam if a single living Republican Senator and/or House representative spoke out in opposition to Trump & his policies.  Just one.  Unfortunately, they're all complicit.  They are not even bothering to hide it.  Yet, whatever they've done publicly that is worse than the day before, they'll spin it & claim Democrats/liberals are exactly what they (GOP) themselves are guilty of, and it doesn't matter that almost all of it is untrue.  They're all hoping their constituency is uninterested in researching anything they claim. 

The goal of Republicans are to make sure if they're guilty of something, blame the opposite side entirely.  Their ulterior motive is to make sure their constituents aren't as informed as their counterparts in Congress, because an informed constituent never votes for a racist, xenophobic, bigoted, "white nationalist" into office.  The only reason some Republicans are still in office is because some of their constituents aren't interested in researching facts, especially "alternative facts", to check their validity. 

A complacent voter is a Republican voter.  Never be complacent.

That said, I'm tired of trying to keep up with Trump & his brand of bullshit Trumpism.  It's not that I don't care, but rather I'm tired of trying to get others to see what I'm seeing, through the eyes of a blind man (myself), & making their own decisions on who to put their faith into.  Simply put, I don't put faith into people anymore.  Especially if they're a member of the most racist political party ever in the history of political parties.  Save ONE Republican who is the Special Counsel to investigate the "Trump-Russia Collusion & Treason" scandal.  I hope that man succeeds in bringing down a corrupt Trump regime, & that we see Trump escorted from the White House in handcuffs, preferably with Trump himself kicking & screaming all the way across the White House front lawn.

A blind man can dream, can he not?  If it were up to Trump & Trump's KKKlan, he'd outright ban having thoughts and dreams about his abrupt end in politics.  Thank goodness that, for the moment, Trump is NOT above the law, and not above Congress as a co-equal branch of our country's Constitutional government.