First, I just want to say that, for the close friends I know who live in Las Vegas whether you're on my Facebook account or otherwise, or no matter where you live for that matter, I cherish the friends I do have. Friendships are important to me in helping me deal with the shitfest that is my family, my relatives (with some exceptions noted), and my life in general.
Second, I hope this doesn't sound like I'm having another "Oh, shit! Jeffrey's on another rant session!" type of note, but it will probably sound like that. Bottom line is that it isn't, or at least I don't intend it to be like that.
As some of you are aware, some more than others, I've been dealing with health problems for a very long time. Well, now that I say it, it's been since day one of my life having been born with Congenital Rubella Syndrome (my mother came into contact with a Rubella quarantine child during her pregnancy of yours truly). Let's just say that, as a result, most of the important internal organs like my heart, and my eye, on my left side were affected. I was also born having hernia problems in "my tenders" regions, which I don't seem to remember, but that is what happened. I know this because the scars are still present. As well as the two for my open heart surgery at 5months old for a "paten ductis" (a heart valve was stuck open). So far, yay me for having all these problems before I had even my 1st birthday.
What followed for the last 40 years (coming up in August) or so has been one major health issue after another, mainly on my legally blind left eye, now totally blind thanks to my 2016 enucleation surgery to remove the problem eye. At first, I got some relief, but the problems of having daily migraines were still ever present. After trying to narrow it down, my doctors and I came to the conclusion that it is the result of having nerve damage from the more than two dozen (no, I'm not exaggerating that number) surgical procedures mostly on that left eye / left eye socket. Prior to 2016, I had hopes that one day, medical science would have advanced to the point of giving me a functional left eye. Or at the very least, a bionic eye (which would be fucking cool).
Unfortunately, that has yet to occur, and I still have other problems not related to my eye. In 2016, following a successful operation to remove the ocular implant before it became too infected with MRSA (Yes, I said MRSA), I had to go to the emergency room almost two or three times a week because I was either vomiting so hard that I couldn't breath, or had been severely sick. On one such occasion, I was in terrible pain in my abdomen that had turned out to be an inflamed gallbladder with gallstones. On Thanksgiving day 2016. I was NOT thankful to be in that much pain that day.
Since then, I've struggled with eating at all, getting sick for no apparent reason. My GI doctor has since reverted her diagnosis to "functional dyspepsia", but has no idea how to treat it due to my unique case. "Unique" being the keyword here. Because I'm a picky eater, and some of it has been not by choice, I cannot modify certain aspects of my diet, even if my life depended on it.
So, treating my GI problems have become a challenge for my doctors. Treating my migraine headaches have become similarly challenging as my pain management specialist put it, "Your case is uniquely challenging for us!" (referring to himself & his staff).
Though that's not entirely why I'm writing this note. In the past, before I moved into my own apartment, my mother has been trying to help comfort me when she can, but obviously there are limitations to that. Her "emotional support" dog (not properly trained or even certified to be an ESA) makes it difficult for her to be with me during my doctor appointments, or help me get to places without taking her dog with because of apparent separation anxiety issues (both on the dog's part & mom's as well, like they're totally co-dependent on each other now that they're both attached to the hip, figuratively speaking).
Now, though, I live on my own (finally), and yet I feel totally alone, and some of my being sick is not for just anyone to see. I need to be able to trust someone, some woman, implicitly, when it comes to certain problems that come up. Like when to call my doctors, when I should call 911 or be taken to a hospital, things like that. Most of the time, when I do get sick, I try to "tough it out", because I have no "plan B". Even if I did have my mother around, her dog's dependency on mom makes it hard for my mother to be with me in an emergency room. Or to my doctors appointments. Or for tests, scans, etc.
Growing up, I've never been afraid to get older. Not once have I ever feared being older for any reason. What I do fear, though, is being alone. Being alone when I go to my doctor appointments. Being alone when I go for tests & scans, and any other type of medical health care service. Hell, I can't go to my regular eye doctor appointment if they intend to dilate my eye without finding someone to go with me, which as it stands is my mother, but she is not always accessible.
No, I've never feared being older, or getting older. What I fear is being alone when I need someone to be there with me. For doctor visits. For when I'm not feeling well. For when I must go to the emergency room. For when I am having surgery. I mean, having my mother around is good. But I'd like to have a woman with me, someone who I'm intimate with. Not sexually intimate. Just having an intimate relationship with, and that she knows what to tell my doctors if things go horribly wrong.
The other day, I was filling out that "5 Wishes" packet, and when it asks for me to put down a designate to carry out those wishes, I couldn't think of who that would be. That part scared me most because I don't want my wishes to be handled by my mother, but I sure as shit don't want my older brother involved in any of it. If it were up to him, well.... let's just say if it were about my final wishes, he'd have me in a plain box being lit with a bic lighter. You know, to save money and all that shit.
But short of that, I don't know if I'm close enough to anybody to put down as a designate. Not even for a durable power of attorney, or medical power of attorney. And that is what I fear as I get older is not having someone that I know I can implicitly trust to make those decisions on my behalf should things go horribly south for me, or if I'm not able to make those decisions for myself in some incapacitated state.
Then I start to believe that maybe I've been right all along. That I am meant to be alone. That I am meant to live in solitude.
I don't know why I even bother writing this.
