I have always a touch of anxiety when I want to reach out to people like friends and family. It's been a lifelong chronic problem for me ever since I was very little. I'd say it's easily among my top 5 personality problems. My main frustration is that I don't want to bother anybody with my problems in my life, because that's just it. They're MY problems. And there are other reasons why anybody with any amount of depression, PTSD, anxiety, or have a history of having been abused in any way why there's such an avoidance of reaching out, even if we know it could help.
This article here goes over some of the main reasons why reaching out is hard. My main frustration is that I just don't want to be "that guy" who's always complaining, or that my complaints are to that person that I reached out to seemingly never-ending. Besides, I often feel like regardless of whether or not I have negative news to share, or even any positive moments in my life are largely ignored. Even by some family members.
Ergo, I don't like to share my personal problems with anybody unless they ask, and even if a friend or family member does ask, I will often mask it with "Oh, I'm okay." Or something similar. It doesn't help that, in the past, I have reached out to people, and it didn't turn out well for me. So, I eventually learned to just deal with my frustrations & problems privately.
Over the past decade, I've been reluctant to go meet new friends, or even reconnect with old friends. I've made lots of mistakes with some of my old friends that I don't wish to be seen as the "problem friend". Because of that, I retreat to being home nearly 24/7, I don't go out much anymore (and this was true even before COVID-19/Coronavirus pandemic issues became an existential problem for our world), and a lot of that was due to being unable to afford going to meet friends for any reason.
Yet I long for the day when I can be more outgoing, connecting with new friends, reconnecting with old friends, and having a better support system for myself. Maybe even developing a close relationship with a woman who could eventually become a future "Mrs. Jeffrey R. Kuntzelman". But all of that is dependent on being able to reach out to people, and being the one to initiate the conversation. Of which I have yet to master that part.
When someone asks me for a topic to talk about, I'm befuddled because I don't know if what I'm interested in is anything at all what they would be interested in. For example, I'm a huge nerd. I've loved things like science & science fiction since I was in my single digit childhood years. I'm also a computer tech, an amateur musician, an unpublished writer, and I enjoy watching lots of movies and TV. The downside is that I have nobody to share with them all of my experiences, my dreams, and my goals.
At this point, I'm certain that I'm going to be alone for a long time. And my health problems aren't helping that feeling one bit. I truly wish I had a better support system, and perhaps a woman companion. A relationship with her that could become something more later on. But like I said earlier, I have such a hard time reaching out to people, even the ones who say things such as "If you need to talk, I'm here".
Even if I know for sure there wouldn't be an issue, I still have huge hesitations about connecting with someone just to talk or to help take my mind off of whatever is bothering me.
