Today's anniversary is not a pleasant one

Today marks the 22nd anniversary of the 1st glaucoma related eye surgery in Las Vegas, NV, the first of dozens later, that would inevitably result in nerve damage that triggers my awful migraines.  It nearly cost me my high school graduation, among other things.

I'm trying to look at the bright side.  Like the fact that I'm finally having less pain, less frequent days of pain.  And that I finally have a primary care doctor who not only takes me seriously, but also doesn't dismiss my problems as though I'm either a "pill popping" or "hypochondriac" type of patient.  He takes the time to really listen to me, and genuinely wants to help me get better.  Unlike some physicians in a certain "sin city" place. 😒

Though, the unrelenting pain, and the subsequently frequent time off work & avoiding social gatherings with friends, had cost me dearly.  I've lost some friends, lost good jobs, and of course up until my 2016 enucleation surgery, only ONE person in my family (other than a certain late cousin's two lovely daughters ❤) believed that my migraines and other health & medical conditions were valid and real.  

And that person was certainly NOT the older sibling.

I sometimes am up late at night wondering where the time has gone.  Some old proverb says that "Time flies when you're having fun!"  Who the fuck is this asshole that said this?  Time flies when you're doing anything that preoccupies your mind.  In this case, the last 22 years have NOT been a bucket full of sunshine for me.  It certainly has not been anything that resembles fun!

Oh, I had fun at certain moments, with certain friends, and even at certain places.  But overall, I wish I had much of that time back so that I could make other, more informed choices.  Instead of the ones presented to me, either by certain doctors, certain unhelpful family members, & other people I won't mention here.

I feel like I've been sorely cheated, and yet someone would tell me that I'm still quite young.  Well, relatively speaking, sure.  I'm young compared to an oak tree 🌳 lifespan.  I'm young compared to an Australian turtle [queue "Crush" from "Finding Nemo", one of my favorite animated films from Disney]! 

At 40 years old, with all that's been going wrong with me, I feel much much older.  My back hurts constantly.  Doesn't matter if I'm lying down, standing up, standing or walking for any time longer than 5 or 10 minutes tops, or when I'm trying to sleep.  

My head still hurts from migraine pain occasionally.  It could be fine right up until I go to bed, and the next day I'll wake up feeling like someone took a 2x4 to it all night long.  Mornings 🌄 are becoming the bane of my existence.

I've had recent ankle surgery from having an ankle injury that resulted because I didn't see the pothole in the sidewalk on my way home from a 7-11 store.  Thanks to my vision impairment there.  

I've become extremely dependent on local paratransit & non-emergency transportation services to get to & from doctor, therapists/therapy, & related appointments as well as going shopping when I need to, and going to & from Mom's place.  I'm frustrated at being unable to just get up & go like I used to do with my 2000 Chevy Blazer aka "Ruby".  I miss Ruby!

I miss having fun with friends in Las Vegas, NV!  I miss the ocean breeze & sunsets in Southern California (Orange 🍊 County, specifically).  I miss not having pain.  Or feeling lost.  I miss being able to work, get a good size paycheck, and being able to be proud of my work.  I miss going to class in college.  I miss doing my assignments with enthusiasm and energy.

Sometimes, I feel like my life is just one big failure after another.  And it all started 22 years ago when I underwent the first of many surgical procedures to remedy the problem of high glaucoma pressure.  For about a year and a half, I went through over a dozen surgeries (I lost count at 15 or so).  Back then, the eye doctor in Las Vegas, NV (Dr. Kevin Miller) performed those surgeries while I was sedated, which helped me out since pain & I aren't good pals.  

Nowadays with my current eye surgeon, sedation is rare.  

And I wish the fun ended there.  I'm worried about my eye socket.  Lately, the eyelids are wanting to close almost entirely, and the socket itself continues to shrink.  I'm worried that if my eye doctor can't help fix it soon, we may have to start all over.  She assures me that would be a last resort, but I'm still worried.

I'm back to hating to look into the mirror, even if it's to clean the left eye 👁 socket.  I'm tired of seeing only my good right eye, and an empty almost closed-up left eye socket.  

Do you want to know what my biggest lifelong dream has been?  Other than to be a professionally proficient musician & writer?  I've always wanted to have a functioning actual left eye, complete with the lifelong experience of having vision out of both it & my normal pre-existing good eye. 

I've wished for that almost every night for the past 35-ish years.  For a while, I came close to it with the prosthetic eye cover.  Granted, it couldn't see or anything, but I was able to look in the mirror without feeling... dread!

And I'm back to that dreadful feeling again when I know I have to go look in the mirror for any reason.  I'm tired of that.  I'm also tired of not feeling useful, not feeling needed, and feeling awful when I look into the mirror.  I don't know why I exist, but I'm tired of it being a universe super secret mystery.  

*sigh*

I just want to feel like I have some kind of a life that isn't being wasted on one medical or health problem after another. 😢