JRK's Personal Log Earth Date 10-24-2020

Honestly, it's extremely hard for me to reach out to people (metaphorically speaking).  It's also equally hard for me to engage in socialization w/ friends.  For whatever reason, I find it hard to take that first step in sending a text message, or placing a phone call, etc.  

My first thought is: "What if they're busy?", and then "I don't want to call or text if I'm just gonna want to complain about my problems, because everybody's got problems.  And mine are inconsequential!"

But I'd give both of my older brother's testicles to be able to overcome those fears.  To be able to just call people up, just to talk, and maybe along the way get some good advice.  Or, maybe even get the help I need to reach my goals in my life.

Basically, I wish I could have a good support system of friends that, if they're in a position to do so, would help me through certain hurdles that I'm dealing with.  Whether it's trying to lose weight, trying to finish any given project like straightening up my apartment, or just to hang out and talk about whatever the problems are that we're currently processing, it would just be nice to not be so alone otherwise.

But getting through that first step of reaching out to people is, I think, the hardest thing to do.  It's also the most scary, and most uncomfortable part of trying to reconnect with friends, especially during a pandemic that has people unsettled, at best.

Even before the pandemic hit, I found it difficult to want to reach out to friends knowing that 1) I'm unemployed, 2) I have no spouse, 3) as a result of #2, I have no children/grandchildren (nor do I want either), and 4) I don't have anything to do outside my home for me to talk about to anyone.  Life at 41 hasn't been the kind of life I imagined it to be, and I'm certainly not enjoying it.  

Though, as I work with my therapist on how to overcome these things, especially with reaching out to friends, I still have a hard time knowing when to call, if at all.  Or if I'm better off not being a nuisance to a friend who may otherwise be uninterested in my struggles.  Of course, that's the fear talking, but that's how I've rationalized not making an effort.  

Of course, phone calls & text messages are almost a thing of the past as we have video calling, and that is something I'd love to do with friends now that I have a prosthetic eye, a set of teeth, and am generally presentable.  I just don't know who would be interested in talking to me, anymore.  Again, that's the fear talking.

I'm certainly open to suggestions, at this point.

The things I wish for

There are many things I wish for.  Some of those things are tangible goals, while others are simply impossible due to factors like our level of technology & science at the our current stage of civilization.  

For example, a tangible goal for me would be to lose 30lbs.  Doesn't matter how long it takes me, just as long as I lose weight.  I'm tired of feeling exhausted before I even get out of bed to get anything at all accomplished.  I'm also extremely unsettled by how everything hurts especially upon awakening.  More importantly, I'm tired of not fitting into clothes I once fit into pretty well.  Unfortunately, for me, losing weight is not just an uphill battle, it's a war against a humongous mountain.  Being a picky eater (for multiple reasons including some food allergies & intolerances) doesn't help.  I can't eat fruits or vegetables because they make me violently sick.  Sometimes, it can be the smell, the taste, the sight of the food, or even just the name alone (like a custom prepared dish or meal) is enough for me to start gagging or get sick (vomiting violently).  So, unfortunately, my dietary habits cannot change for any number of legitimate reasons.

Another tangible "wish"/goal is to have good health & happiness.  I feel that losing weight would be a huge step in the right direction, which would make me happier in the long run I suppose.  As for the happiness part, I know I'd feel a lot better about myself if the weight issue was resolved.  Though that isn't the "end all, be all" of my personal pursuit of my happiness.

I've long wanted to have what some might call a "love life".  It would be extremely helpful to have the kind of woman in my life that I could talk to about a number of topics (mostly nerdy stuffs), and do many of the activities with her that, in the past, I've often enjoyed doing alone.  A variety of things like watching my favorite movies & TV with the elusive "Ms. Right",  or playing video games with her, writing stories, or even playing music on either my guitar or piano.  Maybe even have the kind of girlfriend that would teach me to play.

Or perhaps she speaks multiple languages, and offers to help me to learn the language(s) I want by being a "conversational" chat buddy.  Maybe we go for a short walk around the neighborhood or to a nearby park.  

One of the benefits of having an intimate, but non-sexual relationship with that "Ms. Right" would be if I'm not feeling well, and need her to take care of my needs.  Of course, I would do my best in what limited capabilities I possess to help take care of her when she's not feeling too great either.  Another benefit would be when we can motivate each other to get our tasks done together.

The main thing though is having someone I can talk to about anything that either is bothering me, or that I just need someone to listen to me.  It would be great to have the kind of intimate relationship with this "Ms. Right" in which she inquires about me.  What my passions are, what my dreams are, what my goals in life are, and what my ideas are about life, love, & of course being a nerd.

You know what?  I'm just gonna say it.  I want to one day (hopefully soon) fall in love with that elusive "Ms. Right", and I want her to be in love with me too.  I know she's out there, somewhere.

I have other wishes/goals that are equally impossible (for the time being).  For instance, having a real, functional eyeball in my left eye socket.  An eye that I can see out of, and that it's a normal eye that tracks with my good eye in the right eye socket.  Having 👀 two eyes has been a lifelong dream.  While I do have a prosthetic eye cover lens that looks like my good eye, it doesn't track well, and of course I have absolutely no vision whatsoever in that left eye socket, because there isn't any eyeball in there.

I can't begin to describe my frustration as I have to clean out the prosthetic because the eyelids won't close all of the way.  I was told by my ocuplastics eye surgeon that it's just something I'll have to live with, because to get the eyelids to close would require more surgery, and it wouldn't be covered by Medicare because it's considered "cosmetic".  

But to have a normal, functional eyeball in the left eye socket has been my main dream for my entire life.  Ever since I could understand to some degree why I was blind in the original eye (all I saw out of it was a bunch of blurred images), it's been my absolute dream to be able to look in the mirror and see two normal eyes 👀.

Unfortunately, because there's so many intricate parts within the eye itself, and having multiple delicate connections that send signals to our brain to interpret the images we're seeing, our current tech level is severely limited, at best.  There is just too many variables in which a complete eye transplant would be highly dangerous, & the chances of it being a successful surgery would be incredibly low.  I'd say it would be less than a 1% chance of having been successful.

There are other wishes/goals that I have, but for this blog entry, I wanted to share just the few that I needed to express.  I hope someday soon that I can, at the least, share a warm embrace with a "Ms. Right", and also be about 30lbs lighter.

My current life and living situation

I realize that nobody should give anyone here any medical advice or advice on medications, but does anyone have any success stories with Effexor XR?  I feel like all it does is dull my emotions.  It doesn't help me feel better in the least bit.  I still have my bad days, even feeling upset about my current life & living situation, but I've felt so lazy, apathetic, and although I'm a born procrastinator, it's been worse than usual.  

Doing even minor things like making my bed, or attending to my chronic health & medical problems are seemingly a lot of work.  Simple things like cooking or taking a shower require that I work up the motivation to even start.  Even doing my physical therapy exercises are tasks that feel like mountains of effort.

I'm always tired, always having a negative balance of energy (like having a negative balance in a bank account, which ironically has been close to my financial situation as well).  I don't feel like doing even half the projects I would like to complete.  Many of the hobbies and interests I once enjoyed I've stopped doing, including video games (which is a bit unnerving considering I grew up playing video games a lot). 

The only thing I do every day is watch TV & movies, and I only go out for doctor appointments, to go shopping for groceries & supplies, and maybe once in a while taking my trash out to the big dumpster in the garbage room of my apartment building.

I will sometimes take a short walk around where I live, usually only a few minutes around my immediate area.  I don't like going outside very much since I have terrible allergies even with taking things like Zyrtec (generic, name brand, etc), and since I injured my left ankle back in December 2019 after walking home from 7-11 by nearly tripping and nearly falling from a pothole in the sidewalk that I didn't see (it was just after sunset, and I'm blind in my left eye, so I don't always see things very well).  Basically, I didn't account for the pothole, and as I stepped into it, my left ankle kind of rolled.  I was lucky I didn't snap my ankle from the error.  But I did end up having surgery on a torn tendon due to that injury.  

Then several months later, in August on my birthday of all days, I was standing and posing for a picture at the end of the cul-de-sac street that I grew up on in Costa Mesa,  California, and as I went to step off the sidewalk and onto the pavement to get back into my mother's car, I didn't account for how high the sewer drain was, and I fell hard on the ground.  I ended up nearly injuring my other ankle too.  When I got back to Denver, I immediately went to see my ankle doctor's physician assistant, and had X-rays of my right ankle.  She saw no broken bones, but did give me a steroid shot in that ankle.  She said if I still had pain to come back and they'd investigate it a little further.  To date, the steroid shot helped a lot, but that could have been worse as a result of my error in judging the height of the sidewalk from the pavement with the sewer drain.  

So, as a result of those two incidents, plus having multiple other reasons including my allergies, I just don't like going outside anymore.  On top of that, while I do have friends, I don't have the kind of friends who come over to hang out, or come to pick me up for a night out anywhere.  I'm almost always broke, especially by the middle of the month when my regular monthly bills are paid for, and even if that weren't the case, my health & medical problems make it hard for me to have a social life of any kind.  I get terrible migraines, I have a vision impairment due to birth defects & other reasons, and I'm always staking out where the nearest bathrooms are just in case I need to make a B-line for one.  

For what it's worth to anybody, there are some things I wish for in my life that could mean all the difference.  There's a few personal ones I can't share for reasons I cannot explain, at least not here.  But here is the short list. 

I wish for:

• Lots of money - To be specific, I'd like a cool $1million.  I don't think that's greedy.  I just want enough to pay off all of my outstanding debts including my student loans, and then perhaps move on to my other wishes, which are;

• A house & car in Orange County, California.  Preferably in either Santa Ana or Costa Mesa, but someplace that's near where I grew up as a child.  Having that $1Million sure could help in that regard.  Yes, I can legally drive, and I think having a new-ish car that isn't terribly expensive, but has all the bells & whistles that could accommodate a (half) blind man like me would help a lot with me being able to get out of my apartment to go have some activity beyond watching TV & movies all day long.

• To meet "the one", my "Ms. Right", the one I could picture myself being married to, and having shared my experiences with, having adventures with even if our adventures are not always outdoors.  Someone who understands me, and helps me in my life.  

• To feel better, and look better.  I think I'd be happier if I could lose about 20 to 30 pounds.  Right now, I'm sitting at an uncomfortable 205lbs, at 5'5".  I wasn't always like this.  There was a time when I was regularly exercising, and had lots of activity in my life despite having vision problems, migraines, allergies, etc.  I blame a lot my weight gain on my depression, and when I had quit smoking, I had gained a good 20 lbs within a year of my quit date back in 2009.  Unfortunately, because of certain food intolerances & allergies, my diet cannot change.  It's among my highest frustrations being a picky eater unable to change my diet for multiple reasons.  Not unwilling, but unable to!

This brings me to my next wish:

• I want a real, functional, ordinary looking left eyeball!  As I said, I was born with birth defects caused by Congenital Rubella Syndrome.  I won't go into the details, because it's a long story, but suffice it to say I have undergone a great deal of surgical procedures relating to congenital glaucoma, and complications from those procedures, totalling approximately 30+ surgeries on the left eye alone.  I was born blind in that eye at birth.  Up until 2016, all I saw out of that eye was a bunch of blur.  I could see people, lights, colors, but everything was all out of focus because I had cataracts at birth due to Congenital Rubella Syndrome as well.  The doctors at the time took out the lens of the eye, and with it the suspensory ligament that keeps the lens in place.  Years later, medical science had learned that that suspensory ligament should have remained so that a lens implant was possible.  Alas, my eye couldn't have a lens implant, nor ever will as a result of having that enucleation surgery in August of 2016.  I had the left eye removed after spending 16 un-wonderful years of unrelenting migraine pain that I later learned was the result of the eye having atrophy, detached retina, the two Baerveldt implants meant to keep the glaucoma pressure steady were too big for the eye possibly adding to the pain as well as creating scar tissue around the surrounding eye socket tissue, and my personal favorite is that the eye showed signs of chronic & acute hemorrhaging.  All of this was in the pathology report that written after the hospital had ordered such a pathology done on the eye.  And I still deal with migraines, but the level is not anywhere near like it was.  But as a result of those awful 16 years or so, plus the dozens of surgeries on the eye in my lifetime, my doctors & I agree that there was most likely nerve damage.  

So, now I have a prosthesis that has the appearance of my right eye, my good eye, but there is no actual eyeball.  And worse, because of all of the surgical procedures, my eyelids on the left eye won't close all of the way, so I have to clean the left eye prosthesis dozens of times per day.  

There are other things I wish for, but I won't go into what they are as they're far more personal.  I know that wishing for things won't actually make any of them come true, but that doesn't mean I won't at least give it a shot.  

I'm awfully tired of this life, but I have no choice otherwise than to live and just bear with it, and hope for the best.  Between having awful migraines, having gastrointestinal problems from taking pain meds for 20 years, having lower back problems stemming from an old childhood injury, having a vision impairment, & also having emotional problems that I can't really talk with anybody about is beyond upsetting.  I just don't want to hurt anymore.  Not physically, emotionally/mentally/psychologically, etc.  

I just want to have a good supply of energy, no more pain, & no more feeling sick because the pain meds are giving me gastrointestinal issues.  I don't think it's too much to ask that I have a functional left eyeball to see out of, either.  But that's just how I feel about it!