Honestly, it's extremely hard for me to reach out to people (metaphorically speaking). It's also equally hard for me to engage in socialization w/ friends. For whatever reason, I find it hard to take that first step in sending a text message, or placing a phone call, etc.
My first thought is: "What if they're busy?", and then "I don't want to call or text if I'm just gonna want to complain about my problems, because everybody's got problems. And mine are inconsequential!"
But I'd give both of my older brother's testicles to be able to overcome those fears. To be able to just call people up, just to talk, and maybe along the way get some good advice. Or, maybe even get the help I need to reach my goals in my life.
Basically, I wish I could have a good support system of friends that, if they're in a position to do so, would help me through certain hurdles that I'm dealing with. Whether it's trying to lose weight, trying to finish any given project like straightening up my apartment, or just to hang out and talk about whatever the problems are that we're currently processing, it would just be nice to not be so alone otherwise.
But getting through that first step of reaching out to people is, I think, the hardest thing to do. It's also the most scary, and most uncomfortable part of trying to reconnect with friends, especially during a pandemic that has people unsettled, at best.
Even before the pandemic hit, I found it difficult to want to reach out to friends knowing that 1) I'm unemployed, 2) I have no spouse, 3) as a result of #2, I have no children/grandchildren (nor do I want either), and 4) I don't have anything to do outside my home for me to talk about to anyone. Life at 41 hasn't been the kind of life I imagined it to be, and I'm certainly not enjoying it.
Though, as I work with my therapist on how to overcome these things, especially with reaching out to friends, I still have a hard time knowing when to call, if at all. Or if I'm better off not being a nuisance to a friend who may otherwise be uninterested in my struggles. Of course, that's the fear talking, but that's how I've rationalized not making an effort.
Of course, phone calls & text messages are almost a thing of the past as we have video calling, and that is something I'd love to do with friends now that I have a prosthetic eye, a set of teeth, and am generally presentable. I just don't know who would be interested in talking to me, anymore. Again, that's the fear talking.
I'm certainly open to suggestions, at this point.
No comments:
Post a Comment
**CAUTION**
Comments are moderated at the author's discretion. Use good judgment when commenting on anything posted to this blog. Author reserves the right to report abusive comments when appropriate.