JRK Thoughts Supplemental Log July 10th 2020

I feel like the world has gone upside down, and shit sideways as of late.  And it's not been just since the sudden onset of COVID-19/Coronavirus, either.  If it wasn't this deal with maskers vs. anti-maskers during a pandemic, it would've probably been something else that'd be equally stupid.  Maybe something like "Wear a hat!  Don't let your head burn in the sun!"  And some asshole would be like "Being told to wear a hat is OPPRESSION, man!  It violates my rights!"

Or, just think if the mandates were something REALLY silly like "Wear a long sleeve shirt in public, and reduce the amount of body hair being shed from your arms.  The less body hair being dumped around, the less chance of someone inhaling YOUR body hair and being infected with [XYZ virus]!"  And some idiot would be like "I can't wear a long sleeve shirt in public.  What if it's hot outside?  What if I want to show off my arms?  I'm telling you, this is fascist crap!  I know my rights!"

I still hold hope that information in the digital age can help save us, but only if minds, hearts, and eyes are open.  Unfortunately, it seems like even when faced with evidence that challenges dumb assumptions, there are those folks who simply feel they're being oppressed, controlled, their rights violated, whatever.  It's like if it's something that would hopefully protect both themselves against others, or protect others from themselves, or both, suddenly it becomes a fucking political belief issue.  Suddenly, everything becomes political right down to how toast is made, or which way is the proper way to have your toilet paper roll hanging.  It's over, not under!

And I'm sure someone, dare I say some asshole will say something to contradict that, because "Goddamn it, I'm right.  You're wrong.  And that's all there is to it!"

Whatever happened to saying, "You know, I never thought of it that way.  Maybe I should take another look at that idea."

Or, "I haven't considered that before.  Where can I find more information?"  Those who would challenge even basic scientific concepts, research, empirical data, and logical reasoning are simply making it difficult for the rest of us who understand the science, the medical terms, etc to get through this pandemic as quickly as possible with the fewest possible deaths as humanly possible.  Those same people who challenge simple scientific data are the same ones who will defy a mandate, but are quick to yell "LAW & ORDER" like a certain Orange Shitstain-in-chief, because they're the model textbook example of the word "hypocrite"!  

There, I said it!  

It's like the lot of them yelling "pro-life" because they are anti-abortion, and want ALL fetuses to be born, regardless of the risk to the health of the birth mother or for the child being born.  It just matters to the Pro-Life'ers that babies are born.  After that, though, the child as well as the mother (if she lives beyond childbirth in the risky birth of said child) are "on their own", as it were.  Why?  Pro-Life'ers tend to vote for politicians that want to take away basic human services that were developed to help either unwed or low-incomd newbie-mothers pay for or take care of their new child.  Gawd-forbid that mother and child get any help from the gov't, right?  But are told by "pro-life'ers" to "get a job" or "ask God for help." because that makes it all better right?  I don't think many of them realize just how hard it is for mothers anywhere to get a job while taking care of a newborn child or toddler.  

But back to the idea that Pro-Life'ers simply want ALL fetuses born, after they're born, the Pro-Life'ers cease to care, because many of the social programs designed to give a hand up are almost always on the chopping block of any budget proposal.

So, they're not really Pro-Life, are they?  They're "Pro-Birth".  And many Republicans/Trumpublicans only are Pro-Life'ers for two reasons.  One, they want to cut those social programs from the budget proposals, because that means more gov't money to raid for future wars.  Wars that get fought eventually by ... you guessed it, those forced births of children that have become a politician's "cannon fodder" of a "Trumped up" war.

BUT, I digress.

Wearing masks should be a simple, easy thing to do.  Hell, I have exercise-induced asthma, but I wear a mask when I'm out in public, and I do just fine with it.  But some assclown claims that doing so will lower oxygen intake.  I'm not going to get into the specifics on why that is a dumbass claim to make, but if that were true, then doctors who routinely have to wear a mask when performing hours-long surgery would be frequently complaining about it, and would experience oxygen deprivation on a frequent basis.  They don't.

I could go on and on, but the fact is this.  Say you read an article about some guy who, out of nowhere and for no reason shoots and kills a peaceful protester, and your first instinct is to defend that man by saying "Well, the protester wasn't peaceful.  They're just a violent thug, and they got what they deserved!", I got news for you.  You made an assumption without verifying ANYTHING, and worse you've taken to defending a murderer.  I honestly don't know which is worse, someone having murdered another human being for no reason, or someone else defending that murder by claiming it was justified "because the protester was a thug".  I think both are equally bad.

This is the bullshit, upside down world that has me wondering, "Will we survive this long enough to see a cure?  Or are we going to end up killing each other over really dumb fucking shit like wearing a fucking Gawddamn mask!?"

Perhaps it's best not to dwell on such things.  But I fear the day is coming when we may have to find out just how committed any of us are to defending ourselves against one another.  The United States, as far as this blind man is concerned, is apparently going to doom itself because we have an idiot-in-charge who thinks he's God's greatest gift to [name a noun, country, anything], and thinks he's smarter than any scientist who does research that is, literally, beyond his Orangeness's understanding.  And it shows clearly.  

The worst part is his narcissism, and that he's clearly projecting his own crimes.  Even worse yet is that he's empowered his supporters to be openly racist, openly anti-science, and openly anti-medicine.  This is clearly a dangerous situation, having a misinformed population that wouldn't know to open a nonfiction, peer-reviewed article of a scientific study even if one flew into their face and stuck to it.

I fear we may be all doomed because some few idiots in our society, especially in the United States, feel theyre being oppressed for having to wear a mask, but have absolutely ZERO FUCKING CLUE what it means to be mistreated on a massive scale such as the Jews in the Holocaust before, and during, WWII.  OR, how literally every native American tribe has been almost extinguished by European colonizers in the 15th, 16th, and 17th centuries and beyond. 

And I have not even yet touched on legalized slavery in Colonial America through half of the 19th century.  Then came the awful mistreatment of non-caucasians prior to the Civil Rights Act of 1964, but we STILL haven't quite figured out how to get rid of systemic racism.

I have some thoughts on that.  Quit teaching your little fucking bratlets, your fuck trophies, to hate others.  I think it ought to be a crime to do such a thing to a child.  It should be labeled as child abuse.

Anyway, I don't think we'll get through this COVID-19/Coronavirus crap until we're ALL prepared to suffer a little inconvenience here and there for the health and well-being of our fellow Americans, our fellow human beings.  But it has to start by us not giving in to hate or preconceived prejudices.

That's just how I feel about it!

JRK Thoughts 07-10-2020

If you're my friend, then you know I'm a left-wing liberal, agnostic man.  First things first, I cuss and swear a lot.  To the point that I just don't care anymore about someone's "sensitivities" or sensibilities.  Life won't censor itself just for you, so why should I?

Here are some things about me that you may or may not know:

I don't believe in being an undue asshole.  I don't believe in violence unless I am presented with little to no alternative, and only as a last resort unless I've been physically threatened.  Then all bets are off!  

I believe in peace.  I believe in the good of humanity.  I believe in many ideals from Star Trek as well as real world based cultures, not just the caucasian based ones.  

Even while agnostic, I believe in many of Jesus Christ's teachings of love, compassion, and being overly charitable without thought of any future reward(s).  I believe in these things because I have been through a lot of shit.  I've suffered abuse both at home from my late father (an alcoholic, drug addict, abusive asshat) as well as my older brother, and to some extent other family members & relatives, and at school while growing up, all while dealing with multiple health and medical problems, including some 30+ surgical procedures & treatments on my blind left eye.  

I've even had attempted suicide twice in my life.  The first time was when I was 11years old in Costa Mesa, CA (none of my family knew of it), and the 2nd time was in 2008 after having dealt with repeated abuse from my older brother, and dealing with GAWD-AWFUL pain from migraines that were the result of nerve damage from having so many surgical procedures on the left eye, and then having our dog Baby die from rectal cancer, as well as the prospect of losing my last official job.  I ended up in the hospital not once, but twice.

Both times were not fun!

Instead of letting these things make me incredibly bitter & angry at this world, and I'd have every right to be, I choose to use my experiences to help, to educate, to inform, & otherwise guide my fellow human beings to a more enlightened stage of life.  

But, aside from all of that, I will use the F-bomb a lot!  I'll say things that you will most likely disagree with, sometimes vehemently.  Whether you unfriend or unfollow me is always your choice.  I can't force anyone to learn anything that I've learned in my 40 years (going on 41 next month) of life.

But all I ask is for you to listen/read with an open mind, an open heart, and maybe along the way you'll see things from my perspective.  Maybe wouldn't be a bad idea to tape one of your eyes shut for 40 years, and you tell me how awesome life is after having been mistreated time and time again.  

Bottom line is this: don't simply prejudge what I'm about to tell you as "totally wrong liberal garbage".  Open your eyes.  It shouldn't take a blind man like myself to see what many others see.  Learn from my experience, my wisdom, my logic.  I may not have any of the right answers, but what I can offer are accurate observations.  Use them without using any preconceived notions that you may have about "liberals".

The JRK Pledge

From the desk of Jeffrey R. Kuntzelman aka "Admiral Blind Man" ©2019-2020

I Pledge!

I Pledge to listen.  

I Pledge to understand.

I Pledge to open my eye(s).

I Pledge to have an open mind.

I Pledge to read carefully any and all statements, news articles, comments, etc.

I Pledge to not overreact.

I Pledge to not say "all cops are bad" or all of any one group "is bad".

I Pledge to call out injustice when I see it, hear about it, read about it, or witness it for myself.

I Pledge to speak out against injustice in any form, wherever it may be, whatever it may be, by whomever it may be.

I Pledge not to to let preconceived notions or perceptions rule my judgment.

I Pledge to not be prejudiced against anyone.

I Pledge to defend my fellow human being, whether they're black, white, Asian, Hispanic/Latino, heterosexual, homosexual, men, women, and all else in between.

I Pledge not to harm my fellow human beings.

I Pledge to tell the truth when it matters the most.

I Pledge to share what I can, when I can with people who need it.

I Pledge to help my fellow human beings in whatever capacity I can.

I Pledge not to be an unnecessary asshole (or bitch).

I Pledge to use my talents for good.

I Pledge to be the positive example for my children, my cousins, my nieces & nephews, etc.

I Pledge not to display symbols of hate and claim them to be "heritage".

I Pledge not to use those symbols of hate to justify acts of violence against my fellow human being.

I Pledge to use my 1st Amendment rights responsibly.  

I Pledge to use all of my United States Constitutional Rights responsibly.

I Pledge to resist the temptation to lay blame where it doesn't belong.

I Pledge to consider all available facts and data before making any rash or unreasonable judgments.

I Pledge to never give up on my fellow human beings. 

I Plegde to show my fellow human beings compassion & basic levels of love & understanding.

I Pledge to always give a hand up to my fellow human being, regardless of their life's circumstances.

I Pledge to not let politics decide who I like, dislike, or otherwise believe.  

I Pledge to make up my own damned mind on the topics that matter.

I Pledge not to decide in advance anything important that could affect not just myself, but potentially affecting thousands, hundreds of thousands, or millions of people.

Will you take this pledge with me today, tomorrow, and always?

An Important Milestone Of My Life

After having a great Thursday afternoon & evening with mom as she prepares to move out of state this next week, I'm glad to be back home, enjoying the new gift she has graciously purchased for me as an early birthday & christmas present 🎁! 

We had dinner, we talked a lot about her future plans, and how things will be different in the weeks and months ahead.  We even got philosophical about other topics I won't repeat here.  In any case, it was good to have that "Let's end this run on a high note" kind of get-together ❤!

I don't think it has quite hit me yet that this new chapter will be a test of my own resolve to live independently, perhaps for the first time ever.  Previously, I was always within a few miles of a family member or relative that I had access to in case of a crisis or emergency.  Now, it'll be all on me to be an independent individual, and maybe this is something I need more than any gift my mother or any family member/relative, living or otherwise, could impart to me.

My therapist and I have discussed in recent weeks how my mother moving to Arizona will be a new chapter for both of us.  How it may force mom to be more independent, and hopefully have her learning to be more social with people again.  Perhaps it will do the same for me as well.  One thing is certain, this is definitely going to be far different than when I moved to Missouri the first time in 2000 to live with my idiot of an older brother.  It will be different than when I left Las Vegas in 2008 following a 2nd (in my life) suicide attempt & subsequent hospitalizations after trying to live with my idiot older brother (yet again!) for a 2nd time, and moving back in with my mother around that time.  

This time, I will not only be living alone in my own apartment, I will be doing so without having family members or relatives nearby in the event of a major crisis or emergency on my part.  It's a bit ... well, scary!  I haven't ever truly lived on my own, so this is going to be a new experience. I have no doubt, however, that this will help both my mother and myself grow as individuals.  It will help us both in how we approach life, and the challenges therein.

I know there will come a day when my mother isn't going to be available at all.  That she will leave this world, and I will truly be alone until my time comes.  Hopefully, that won't be for several decades.  I'm hoping to live to be 100 years old.  That's the goal! 😉👍🏻

Today's anniversary is not a pleasant one

Today marks the 22nd anniversary of the 1st glaucoma related eye surgery in Las Vegas, NV, the first of dozens later, that would inevitably result in nerve damage that triggers my awful migraines.  It nearly cost me my high school graduation, among other things.

I'm trying to look at the bright side.  Like the fact that I'm finally having less pain, less frequent days of pain.  And that I finally have a primary care doctor who not only takes me seriously, but also doesn't dismiss my problems as though I'm either a "pill popping" or "hypochondriac" type of patient.  He takes the time to really listen to me, and genuinely wants to help me get better.  Unlike some physicians in a certain "sin city" place. 😒

Though, the unrelenting pain, and the subsequently frequent time off work & avoiding social gatherings with friends, had cost me dearly.  I've lost some friends, lost good jobs, and of course up until my 2016 enucleation surgery, only ONE person in my family (other than a certain late cousin's two lovely daughters ❤) believed that my migraines and other health & medical conditions were valid and real.  

And that person was certainly NOT the older sibling.

I sometimes am up late at night wondering where the time has gone.  Some old proverb says that "Time flies when you're having fun!"  Who the fuck is this asshole that said this?  Time flies when you're doing anything that preoccupies your mind.  In this case, the last 22 years have NOT been a bucket full of sunshine for me.  It certainly has not been anything that resembles fun!

Oh, I had fun at certain moments, with certain friends, and even at certain places.  But overall, I wish I had much of that time back so that I could make other, more informed choices.  Instead of the ones presented to me, either by certain doctors, certain unhelpful family members, & other people I won't mention here.

I feel like I've been sorely cheated, and yet someone would tell me that I'm still quite young.  Well, relatively speaking, sure.  I'm young compared to an oak tree 🌳 lifespan.  I'm young compared to an Australian turtle [queue "Crush" from "Finding Nemo", one of my favorite animated films from Disney]! 

At 40 years old, with all that's been going wrong with me, I feel much much older.  My back hurts constantly.  Doesn't matter if I'm lying down, standing up, standing or walking for any time longer than 5 or 10 minutes tops, or when I'm trying to sleep.  

My head still hurts from migraine pain occasionally.  It could be fine right up until I go to bed, and the next day I'll wake up feeling like someone took a 2x4 to it all night long.  Mornings 🌄 are becoming the bane of my existence.

I've had recent ankle surgery from having an ankle injury that resulted because I didn't see the pothole in the sidewalk on my way home from a 7-11 store.  Thanks to my vision impairment there.  

I've become extremely dependent on local paratransit & non-emergency transportation services to get to & from doctor, therapists/therapy, & related appointments as well as going shopping when I need to, and going to & from Mom's place.  I'm frustrated at being unable to just get up & go like I used to do with my 2000 Chevy Blazer aka "Ruby".  I miss Ruby!

I miss having fun with friends in Las Vegas, NV!  I miss the ocean breeze & sunsets in Southern California (Orange 🍊 County, specifically).  I miss not having pain.  Or feeling lost.  I miss being able to work, get a good size paycheck, and being able to be proud of my work.  I miss going to class in college.  I miss doing my assignments with enthusiasm and energy.

Sometimes, I feel like my life is just one big failure after another.  And it all started 22 years ago when I underwent the first of many surgical procedures to remedy the problem of high glaucoma pressure.  For about a year and a half, I went through over a dozen surgeries (I lost count at 15 or so).  Back then, the eye doctor in Las Vegas, NV (Dr. Kevin Miller) performed those surgeries while I was sedated, which helped me out since pain & I aren't good pals.  

Nowadays with my current eye surgeon, sedation is rare.  

And I wish the fun ended there.  I'm worried about my eye socket.  Lately, the eyelids are wanting to close almost entirely, and the socket itself continues to shrink.  I'm worried that if my eye doctor can't help fix it soon, we may have to start all over.  She assures me that would be a last resort, but I'm still worried.

I'm back to hating to look into the mirror, even if it's to clean the left eye 👁 socket.  I'm tired of seeing only my good right eye, and an empty almost closed-up left eye socket.  

Do you want to know what my biggest lifelong dream has been?  Other than to be a professionally proficient musician & writer?  I've always wanted to have a functioning actual left eye, complete with the lifelong experience of having vision out of both it & my normal pre-existing good eye. 

I've wished for that almost every night for the past 35-ish years.  For a while, I came close to it with the prosthetic eye cover.  Granted, it couldn't see or anything, but I was able to look in the mirror without feeling... dread!

And I'm back to that dreadful feeling again when I know I have to go look in the mirror for any reason.  I'm tired of that.  I'm also tired of not feeling useful, not feeling needed, and feeling awful when I look into the mirror.  I don't know why I exist, but I'm tired of it being a universe super secret mystery.  

*sigh*

I just want to feel like I have some kind of a life that isn't being wasted on one medical or health problem after another. 😢

Caregivers of a certain heritage & Being Mistreated!

“**FAIR WARNING**

This is a rant post!!

Hi,

I don't always like to make these types of blog entries, but I felt that I should say something about an issue that my homemaking caregiver / personal care worker ran into the last 72 hours. Something that was a little troubling as well as disconcerting to me. I know she didn't think much of it, but I've had some time since she left to think it over myself to come up with a possible explanation on why she was rudely confronted.

Apparently, according to the lady helping me with homemaking services, when she was doing my laundry, she was given a ration of shit about using a washer and/or a dryer within my apartment building. The person, possibly another resident of the building, was giving her a hard time claiming they were there first & had a claim to the facilities even though she had been waiting in the laundry room in my apartment building for quite some time, alone, and waiting to use the facilities in question.  And according to the personal care worker, there were plenty of washers & dryers left for the potential resident to use.

From what I heard from the personal care homemaker services worker, this man or woman was rude to her, and quite abrasive over a goddamn fucking washer/dryer. That was clearly not in use at the time this person walked in & began to mistreat her, and as I understand it the machines in the laundry room are first come, first serve. Nobody has fucking dibs on unused washers and/or dryers that are clearly for all residents to use regardless if being used by the actual resident or their proxy (caregivers).

The homemaking helper and myself agreed initially that this rude person was probably having a bad day or something, but as I thought about it after she left, the woman helping me with my personal care needs is of Asian heritage. Which led me to believe that the person wasn't being simply rude as they were potentially using their prejudices & preconceived notions of Asians having "started" certain diseases & illnesses (which are unfounded claims) to give my hired personal care worker a hard time.

Let it be known that I don't tolerate any bigotry or racism or hatred whatsoever in any way, shape, or form. I don't care much for people using their fears to justify being racists, bigots, or otherwise rude & inconsiderate motherfuckers to people they've not met before, and have only their fears from being fed to them by certain media (*COUGH* FOX NEWS *COUGH*) as well as certain elected representatives in DC like the NIC (nutjob-in-chief) to justify their fearmongering opinions & often their unmitigated hatred of non-Christian and/or non-caucasian (non white people in layman's tongue).

I will not ever tolerate someone being abusive to other human beings who are minorities/ethnicities whom the racist(s) and/or bigoted white folk consider to be seemingly "Un-American" or an "illegal immigrant" of any sort. We're all goddamn human beings. People who give in to fears, hatred, or preconceived beliefs about others because it feels comfortable to be that way are the reason we're in this shitheap of a mess around the world. We need less fearmongering & more understanding. Less intolerance of other human beings, and more acceptance & friendship. Love & tolerance will save us! Not hate. Not bigotry. Definitely NOT fear or fear-mongering. Certainly never a mix of either bigotry, fear, hate, racism, etc.

If I should ever catch someone mistreating ANY ethnic man, woman, and/or child, I will defend that person of any non-caucasian background that is a .minority, and Gawd-willing I will use at my disposal the most important & powerful weapon I have in my arsenal: my knowledge & my wisdom. Of course, I'll also use my blind cane if necessary. I just hope I never have to! Violence is never the answer, and only to be used as a very last resort.

That is not a threat. That is a fact as well as a promise!

Do not put me to that test! I don't care how disabled I may be, I will defend my fellow human being if necessary. Hopefully, with love & kindness long before resorting to any action that could lead to a confrontation. I'd much prefer to avoid that whenever possible.

And before you ask, I'll notify police before I take any defensive act. Let this be a warning to the bigots & racists out there. It'll be your only warning from yours truly!

Sincerely,

~Jeffrey

aka "Admiral Blind Man" 2020”