Aladdin (the 1992 animated film)

(Image courtesy Frontier TV, of https://tv.frontier.com/details/FHPK1514907081046357/)

Mom wanted to (politely) argue tonight that we saw this movie when it was freshly new in the movie theaters in 1992 in Las Vegas, NV!  I counterargued that we didn't move to Vegas until 1993, since we were in Colorado Springs, CO at the time in 1992 when this wonderful movie was released to theaters.

Besides, I had a HUGE crush on a young woman I had gone to school with at College Park Elementary school during my final year of grade school in 6th grade in Costa Mesa, California at the time (circa Sept 1991 - June 1992) whose name was the same as the main female character.  That's why I can remember vividly where we were, and more importantly who I was with when I saw this film.  And no, it was NOT (unfortunately for me) the young lady in question.  I wish she had been the person I went to see this film with. I wish that had been the case for a variety of reasons. Especially when the person I saw this with my older brother.  Not exactly the best movie partner to hang out with.

I remember visiting the young woman once when she lived in Costa Mesa in 1994, and to no one's surprise, she had a SHIT TON of Aladdin-themed little knickknacks on her dresser that span across an entire wall.  I also remember asking her "So did you like that movie!?"  And again, to nobody's surprise, she nodded excitedly saying "Yes!"

I would've given both of my dad's, and my older brother's, testicles to be able to live in California again, and to maybe have the opportunity to go out with that young woman after she had helped me get through a very difficult time in my life during that school year.  I know the possibility of becoming even remotely in a romantic relationship with her was so incredibly small, I still would have liked to explore that remote possibility.  Though, I guess I'll never know, will I?

I kick myself often in the ass for letting my family members (the mom, the abusive/alcoholic/drug addict dad, the older brother unit) influence me into making dumb decisions so that they can have their petty lots in their lives.  Was it the right choice?  Some might argue "Yes, absolutely!  You had no right to be any bit selfish, even if you were just developing those feelings!", but I say "You didn't know how narcissist my dad & older brother were!"  But let's face it, the reason why was just not worth the years of abuse & assault I suffered, both at home & at school.

To me, she had done more than keeping me on an even keel.  She had been capable of being that way for others besides me.  That was what really got me to have such a crush on her.  I mean, yeah, she was (and I am fairly sure she still is in my mind) awesomely beautiful, but not just on the outside either.  She had a most wonderful personality, and when I witnessed her consoling a younger student at the same school, a little girl, I felt she was the spark of humanity I had been waiting to see for a long time up until that point in my life.

Because she helped others the same that she did for me is what I liked especially about her.  It wouldn't have mattered to me whether she was rich or poor, or somewhere in between.  What mattered to me is what I saw both in her eyes, and in her heart.  And that will forever be what is in my memories of that brief time.

Birthdays & celebrating them!

I know this is going to sound petty, but can we please stop saying "[I/He/She/whatever] turned [age number] today!"

I think it'd be far better if we started saying "Billy just celebrated his 15th anniversary of being alive on this Earth!" Or "Johnny had just celebrated his 22nd birthday last month!"

The former phrasing kind of makes it sound negative.  Like "Oh shit, they're getting older again!?  Didn't they just have a birthday last year!?"

JRK's personal log supplemental

I've been awoken by severe back pain 3rd night in a row.  And my meds aren't helping relieve the pain.  It's good that I'm seeing my pain management specialist on Monday afternoon, because this back pain is just awful.  I have also yet to see another podiatrist (foot doctor) for my aching & painful feet & leg pain.  If I stand for any time longer than five (5) or ten (10) minutes, I begin to hurt awfully bad!  To the point where if I sit, I'll hurt even more with my back as screwed up as it is. 

This makes doing home chores difficult, & when I sit too long either that also exacerbates the pain in my lower lumbar back region.  Such to the point that doing any amount of school class assignments begin to feel cumbersome & uncomfortable at best.  At worst, I hurt much more than before I started.

On an unrelated note, I'm still waiting to get my student loan refund.  And since mom will be out of town for a little bit next week, it'll be no more "I need [this or that errand] done, because I forgot to make a ride for myself.  Even if I did, there's nobody to watch my Mojo!"  Pity I can't just offer to pay for a dogsitter, or he cab/Lyft/Uber ride.  If anything to shut her the fuck up!

Don't misunderstand me!  I ❤ my mom with all of my heart.  BUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuut.... just like Mike Westen's mom on Burn Notice, Madeline Westen (portrayed by Sharon Gless), she'll give me what I want, but it comes with a price behind her "Oh, so sweet!" motherly smile & attitude/behavior!  If I could afford it, I'd buy her a vehicle, put it in my name on the title with her name as a co-owner, then she could theoretically be the registered owner by the DMV (vehicle registration & license), and pay for her own insurance.

If she just put in some real effort to find a babysitter for Mojo, someone competent enough to take care of an ailing dog that won't be abusive or hurt the dog.  Because as much as I dislike being around Mojo (who doesn't really like me around mom... or her dog food), I would very much use my cane Leela to beat the shit out of an animal abuser, and then drag them to the Lakewood Police Department while instilling the notion that if they don't confess being an animal abuser & beg for jail/prison, that I'd find them, and let animal rights activists' groups have at him or her while expressing my utter delight that they'd be rather uncomfortable at best.

I mean, hey she's (Mojo) family now!  Just like if the Iranian guy that my brother is currently living with does anything to hurt my brother unit, that guy would have to go to a hospital and have my cane Leela surgically removed from his ass, while stitching up every bruise, every cut, every deep wound that I'd make sure he went to the hospital with after I'm done with him.  That's not a threat.  That's a promise!  I may not like many members and relatives of my family, but I'll protect & defend them dearly!

Anyway, as for Mojo?  Not my fucking problem.  I'm way over being the glorified dog sitter so she (mom) doesn't have to worry that someone, somewhere doesn't call Police Animal Control like what happened to us in 2014 just after we got Mojo for mom (because mom didn't want to wait & also go through proper channels to get a proper service dog) in Wheat Ridge, Colorado while at my previous podiatrist.  We, and by we, I mean MOM was told that if Wheat Ridge PD animal control was called again specifically for a report of a dog in MY truck having been in it despite the windows rolled almost all the way down, and in a shaded spot, that not only would Mojo be taken away from MOM, but that my Ruby could also be taken away (impounded) for evidence.

This is why I can't just tell mom "No", but I'd love to.  If she had her own vehicle, insurance, etc, then she could also have to figure out what to do about Mojo!

*BIG SIGH*

C'est la vie!  Mi mamá loca!   Mein Leben ist beschissen!

I don't want to sound ungrateful, but...

It seems lately that no matter how hard I try to balance my personal affairs, my educational goals, and of course my medical situation, someone along the line feels that either I'm not being more attentive, or being ungrateful, or rude, or something.

And it stems from a variety of reasons why as well as multiple factors.  One of those factors are my mental health problems.  No, it's nothing serious, but let's say a certain family member unit makes it difficult to prioritize properly, sometimes making it downright difficult or impossible for me to say no.  Her other son, the sibling unit to me, makes similar demands without leaving me much choice.  Hence why I don't talk to the motherfucker period.

But here's the problem with the existing parental unit.  She'll ask me a question, like say "Do you want me to take you to [some doctor appointment]?" And while my first reaction is to say "No", especially since she and her dog are pretty much attached at the hip, she'll say something like "I think it's important to have someone with you at your appointment(s)!" Which, makes sense.  Right?  WRONG!  The only way that makes sense is when she can actually be in the exam room with me versus having to babysit her pooch because the pooch overrules everyone's priorities.

Another problem with the existing parental unit is when I'm asked to help her with going to one of her appointments, say to her therapist, right?  So, I take extra special care to be available for that, and the next thing I know is that the appointment was canceled, and I could've just stayed home.  Except that in just a few days like today and yesterday (September 13th & 12th respectively) where I knew I would need someone to take me home, and be with the parental unit for at least 24 hours. 

Instead of just this one night, I've spent the last 3 days with her, and she goes right into what she does best.  Go right into bitch mode.  If I had a girlfriend/wife who was able to help with these issues of having a procedure where I'd need to have not only a ride home, but to have someone stay with me for 24 hrs, I wouldn't need to be with the parental unit.  Oh, sure, we get a lot done, but that's not the point.

I have a good setup, albeit in a messy apartment, at home, and it sucks to have to do this shit!  And my mother's guestroom bed is terrible.  I've been waking up with terribly bad back & hip problems (well, worse than usual), and I don't always have a limitless supply of my medications to be spending several days someplace. Much less do I like spending several days away from home not able to practice my piano lessons like I want to do.

I mean, I'm grateful for the help my mother provides, but sometimes I don't think she understands why I prefer being at my own place.  It's important for me to feel like I can have an independent lifestyle apart from her own, but every time she says some shit like "Well, why can't you just add me whenever you make a calendar entry for your school & doctor appointments?"  I always wish I could say back to her "Because then that'd defeat the purpose of me living my own life now, wouldn't it?  Like I'd have to check in with you first to see if it's "mom approved" or some shit!"

Then there are other problems.  I don't want to make any undue accusations, but sometimes I feel like my time, such as it is, isn't as important to some people as it is to me!  Like my neighbors, while I enjoy having a nice time with them, I can't always participate because... drum roll please.... I have school assignments to do.  But it doesn't matter anyway, because it seems no one, not even mom respects that.  Like my going to school is TOTALLY optional to her, and to others, and that doing my class assignments are also by extension an optional thing.

I'd set up a schedule for EVERYONE to see, i.e. friends, family members & relatives, neighbors, etc, but then who'd respect me enough to abide by it?  Would I have to make too many exceptions?  How many would be too many exceptions?  On what grounds could an exception be considered okay?  And let me take that one step further, to what extent can I say "No thanks" before I'm supposed to feel guilty over it?

And let me touch on that last part a little.  There are friends in the Denver metro area whom I would like/love to hang out with, but sometimes that involves me being open to driving somewhere to meet some of them.  Which I wouldn't mind except that I take some medications that would make it dangerous for me to drive at all. 

On top of that, my vehicle, my 2000 Chevrolet Blazer 4x4 (code name "Ruby") isn't in the best shape.  She runs well, but she needs work that I can't afford, and even less so if problems become too severe.  So I drive Ruby as little as possible.  I forego going out, I forego going anywhere other than to my numerous doctor appointments including the maternal parent unit, and I often play dog-sitter to Mojo without any kind of meaningful compensation other than "I'll buy you something to eat/drink from McDonald's!"

Even if I wanted to go out anywhere, I have little to no choice but to keep my ass at home, and if I am not feeling too sick, I can do some of my work and/or rest as much as possible.

But it seems I'm not supposed to be doing any of that, much less go to my appointments according to some.  This shit, this abuse, must stop from all sides.  I'm a fucking part blind man who has his limits, and I'm fast becoming annoyed that I even have to write this much to get my point across!

Another carrot-dangling situation

I'm glad that my mother came back from her trip to California with only the minor experience of going to an ER for a severe bacterial infection plus some kidney problems.  However, she decided to talk to me about her possibly moving back to California after her lease is up this next year. 

While I'd ❤ to be back in my home state someday, this is not the first time she (or another family member) has dangled that proverbial carrot in front of me.  In fact, between her, my late dad, and the older sibling unit (who shall remain nameless) have ALL teased about that prospect.  And while I admit the temptation is there, I cannot ignore that I'd be leaving behind the connections I've built in Colorado.

The problem is that they've dangled this particular "carrot" in front of me so many times that I've grown to simply ignore it, and let them have their little tickle in their heads to move and then watch it fizzle out as quickly as it came.

Of course I want to go home someday.  Live out my life in my home state, especially in a house with tons of music equipment & maybe a couple of other rooms for entertainment & possibly some extra rooms for possible guests.  I said "possible guests".  But as the great song by "The Who" says, "We won't get fooled again!"  I think that very much applies here.

Plus, I am getting ready to go back to school @ Arapahoe Community College, I just won my financial aid appeals, and have plans to attend at least through this next year in 2020.  I want to finish what I set out to do in 2013, albeit with a different goal now that I've accepted I will never work a regular job, or a job concerning computer tech systems, again.  I mean, the pay would be fucking extraordinary, but the stress is just not worth it. 

Though I have to admit that being near the ocean again, going to the beaches, & having NO SNOW (for the most part) in the winter are very enticing qualities.  And I'm sure I'd be far more active having less time trapped indoors for any number of reasons.

The 30th anniversary of my moving out of California will be coming up in 2022.  Particularly June 20th, 2022.  Maybe then, it'll be time to consider that I go home once & for all.  Just not now.  Not when I have so much going for me here in Colorado.

The "getting older" part & loneliness

First, I just want to say that, for the close friends I know who live in Las Vegas whether you're on my Facebook account or otherwise, or no matter where you live for that matter, I cherish the friends I do have.  Friendships are important to me in helping me deal with the shitfest that is my family, my relatives (with some exceptions noted), and my life in general.

Second, I hope this doesn't sound like I'm having another "Oh, shit!  Jeffrey's on another rant session!" type of note, but it will probably sound like that.  Bottom line is that it isn't, or at least I don't intend it to be like that.

As some of you are aware, some more than others, I've been dealing with health problems for a very long time.  Well, now that I say it, it's been since day one of my life having been born with Congenital Rubella Syndrome (my mother came into contact with a Rubella quarantine child during her pregnancy of yours truly).  Let's just say that, as a result, most of the important internal organs like my heart, and my eye, on my left side were affected.  I was also born having hernia problems in "my tenders" regions, which I don't seem to remember, but that is what happened.  I know this because the scars are still present.  As well as the two for my open heart surgery at 5months old for a "paten ductis" (a heart valve was stuck open).  So far, yay me for having all these problems before I had even my 1st birthday.

What followed for the last 40 years (coming up in August) or so has been one major health issue after another, mainly on my legally blind left eye, now totally blind thanks to my 2016 enucleation surgery to remove the problem eye.  At first, I got some relief, but the problems of having daily migraines were still ever present.  After trying to narrow it down, my doctors and I came to the conclusion that it is the result of having nerve damage from the more than two dozen (no, I'm not exaggerating that number) surgical procedures mostly on that left eye / left eye socket.  Prior to 2016, I had hopes that one day, medical science would have advanced to the point of giving me a functional left eye.  Or at the very least, a bionic eye (which would be fucking cool). 

Unfortunately, that has yet to occur, and I still have other problems not related to my eye.  In 2016, following a successful operation to remove the ocular implant before it became too infected with MRSA (Yes, I said MRSA), I had to go to the emergency room almost two or three times a week because I was either vomiting so hard that I couldn't breath, or had been severely sick.  On one such occasion, I was in terrible pain in my abdomen that had turned out to be an inflamed gallbladder with gallstones.  On Thanksgiving day 2016.  I was NOT thankful to be in that much pain that day.

Since then, I've struggled with eating at all, getting sick for no apparent reason.  My GI doctor has since reverted her diagnosis to "functional dyspepsia", but has no idea how to treat it due to my unique case.  "Unique" being the keyword here.  Because I'm a picky eater, and some of it has been not by choice, I cannot modify certain aspects of my diet, even if my life depended on it. 

So, treating my GI problems have become a challenge for my doctors.  Treating my migraine headaches have become similarly challenging as my pain management specialist put it, "Your case is uniquely challenging for us!" (referring to himself & his staff). 

Though that's not entirely why I'm writing this note.  In the past, before I moved into my own apartment, my mother has been trying to help comfort me when she can, but obviously there are limitations to that.  Her "emotional support" dog (not properly trained or even certified to be an ESA) makes it difficult for her to be with me during my doctor appointments, or help me get to places without taking her dog with because of apparent separation anxiety issues (both on the dog's part & mom's as well, like they're totally co-dependent on each other now that they're both attached to the hip, figuratively speaking). 

Now, though, I live on my own (finally), and yet I feel totally alone, and some of my being sick is not for just anyone to see.  I need to be able to trust someone, some woman, implicitly, when it comes to certain problems that come up.  Like when to call my doctors, when I should call 911 or be taken to a hospital, things like that.  Most of the time, when I do get sick, I try to "tough it out", because I have no "plan B".  Even if I did have my mother around, her dog's dependency on mom makes it hard for my mother to be with me in an emergency room.  Or to my doctors appointments.  Or for tests, scans, etc.

Growing up, I've never been afraid to get older.  Not once have I ever feared being older for any reason.  What I do fear, though, is being alone.  Being alone when I go to my doctor appointments.  Being alone when I go for tests & scans, and any other type of medical health care service.  Hell, I can't go to my regular eye doctor appointment if they intend to dilate my eye without finding someone to go with me, which as it stands is my mother, but she is not always accessible. 

No, I've never feared being older, or getting older.  What I fear is being alone when I need someone to be there with me.  For doctor visits.  For when I'm not feeling well.  For when I must go to the emergency room.  For when I am having surgery.  I mean, having my mother around is good.  But I'd like to have a woman with me, someone who I'm intimate with.  Not sexually intimate.  Just having an intimate relationship with, and that she knows what to tell my doctors if things go horribly wrong.

The other day, I was filling out that "5 Wishes" packet, and when it asks for me to put down a designate to carry out those wishes, I couldn't think of who that would be.  That part scared me most because I don't want my wishes to be handled by my mother, but I sure as shit don't want my older brother involved in any of it.  If it were up to him, well.... let's just say if it were about my final wishes, he'd have me in a plain box being lit with a bic lighter.  You know, to save money and all that shit.

But short of that, I don't know if I'm close enough to anybody to put down as a designate.  Not even for a durable power of attorney, or medical power of attorney.  And that is what I fear as I get older is not having someone that I know I can implicitly trust to make those decisions on my behalf should things go horribly south for me, or if I'm not able to make those decisions for myself in some incapacitated state.

Then I start to believe that maybe I've been right all along.  That I am meant to be alone.  That I am meant to live in solitude. 

I don't know why I even bother writing this. 

Wondering what could have been is not enough!

Sometimes, I wonder how my life would be different if I hadn't given up so much of what I wanted for the other three members of my family unit home to have what they wanted, & if I'd be a totally different person.  Well, of course I'd be different, but probably not by much.

Some of those personal decisions are still hard to process 27 yrs later.  I really wish I hadn't made the choice to leave California like I did after I had JUST made some friends in my last grade school year in Costa Mesa, California!  I feel a little cheated.  Like between the older sibling unit & the parental units, I was being conned into leaving behind the beginnings of a newfound relationship with classmates in favor of "supporting" my (now late) dad.  Like what/how in the actual fuck does a 12yr old/13yr old male child help "support" an alcoholic, drug addict father who didn't manage money nor success very well to begin with?

And what the fuck did I get in return?  Hm?  Oh, I hear some people saying to themselves, "Well, didn't your parents feed you?  Cloth you?  Take you to doctors?  Pay for your medicine?"

Let's break all of that down, shall we?

First, yes, they fed me, but being a picky eater, and I still am, being able to ingest any food was a minor miracle.  Granted, I've got a better selection of foods to eat now as an adult, but I was highly picky when it came to food when I was at that age.  Clothes?  That's a given.  Parents' responsibilities are not optional.  If a parent doesn't feed nor clothe their kids, then that parent would be charged with child neglect in today's world.  Even in the 1990's, a parent could've been charged with child negligence if that child's basic needs weren't met.  Now, as for taking me to doctors, paying for meds?  Well, take a seat & let me lay down some facts about the parents.

My dad, late dad, who was an alcoholic, & a drug addict, didn't believe in going to doctors.  Hmm, I wonder why!  Plus, he was a smoker all the way to the day he died.  So, who took me to my doctors' visits?  Usually it was either my mom or my dad, but mainly my mother.  In fact, she worked upwards of two or three jobs just to make sure we even had food, or health insurance at all due to my dad's unrealistic "self employed" status.  He also didn't believe in being taxed by the Gov't for work he put in & was paid for.  Also, he didn't like the idea of working for anybody, except of course for himself.

So, again, if it weren't for my mother, we wouldn't have been to any doctors, nor to physical therapists, or speech therapists, or any kind of therapists.  My dad had very little input for ANY of that shit!

"But Jeff, if they at least kept you fed, and clothed, wouldn't that be your being rewarded for supporting your dad when he needed you?"

You're forgetting something important.  My late dad struggled to maintain steady work as an independent "salesman" (aka a "bullshitter" whom we often joked could sell ice cubes to eskimos), much less keep our family's financial health afloat.  So, how exactly does a 12yr old/13yr old (depending on which side of August was the time of year) young male child help support his father who didn't seem to manage money nor finances very well? 

Let me answer that one for you.  I didn't.  The only thing I could come up with the past 25 years as an answer was that I was either:

▪️His "good luck" charm.
▪️His "moral support", which would've been a little weird given how much abuse that my mother, my brother, and myself had suffered from his hand(s). 

"Spanking doesn't count as abuse!"  Of course it doesn't, but when late at night at age 11, I'm constantly feeling wetness in my hair not from a shower or a bath, and wondering if it was blood, that means it was more than being spanked.  That was abuse that my dad was clever in hiding real well. 

Or...

▪️I was his way to stay "down to earth" as it were.  Between the booze, & the drugs (or both), it would've been a wonder how he was able to maintain the illusion that he was not high or blitzed out of his fucking mind.  How he never got busted for driving drunk or being out of his mind on serious illegal drugs is beyond me!  Any other person would've definitely done jail time, and assaulting his own wife & kids SHOULD'VE gotten him busted, but he was apparently careful enough to stay out of the back of a police vehicle.

No, when I was at the mercy of my older brother & my mother while riding in the backseat of the car on June 1st, 1992, being asked whether I wanted to stay or move w/ my dad to Colorado Springs, there wasn't much discussion about what I wanted.  Just a choice.

Oh, and my brother is the kind to say this bullshit:

"So, Jeff!  Mom & I want you to know that if you want to stay here with us, you can, but you can also go move with Dad to Colorado Springs.  No pressure!  But we don't have a lot of time to decide.  So, you need to choose!"

Yeah, thanks older bro unit for speeding up a hasty choice making sure I didn't think too much about it.  And I didn't.  Took me literally two minutes to think about it.  Here's what went through my mind in those two minutes.  Bear in mind that this was my thought process, in a more simplistic  manner, but I've had 27 years to think about it.  Also, to protect a certain person's identity, I don't mention them by name intentionally.  That's how much I respect that certain person.  This person is almost directly responsible for why I am alive today, and have the memories I do of my late cousin's two beautiful & highly intelligent daughters.  For that reason, I protect their privacy.  Let's just say that, because of what they did to make sure I didn't do anything stupid, if they asked for my help (Gawd willing, they never have to), I would gladly do what I can to offer my assistance.

JRK's two minutes before making a terrible decision that led to a horrible mistake!

Me in my mind: (I guess if I stayed, I could cultivate the friendships that I've begun, developed, & forged as a result of standing up to bullies in my own way.  But then I might end up making [somebody special] embarrassed to be around me or seen with me, and I know [this person] is quite popular, and I don't want to be presumptuous about my relationship with [that person].  I think if I moved with dad to Colorado Springs, I could have a fresh start, make new friends, I suppose.  Can't be any worse than [that elementary school] in Costa Mesa, California!  Maybe if I give up what I want, everyone will be happy.  Everyone except me, but then it's not like my happiness was ever really a concern to anyone.  Not mom, not dad assuredly, and sure as shit not the older sibling unit!)

Yes, ALL OF THAT in the span of two minutes to decide I would move to Colorado Springs with my dad.  It turned out to be a horrible mistake.  I ended up having a bully in my tae kwon do martial arts classes during that summer in 1992.  The harassment only got worse at Sabin Junior High School (aka "Sabin Middle School) in Colorado Springs.  The abuse & assault from the father unit started to decline, but there was residual damage done.

Not a day went by that I hadn't cried myself to sleep, hoping for one of two things.  One, I would die in my sleep from so much heartache pain after realizing I gave up those newfound friendships in Southern California, and/or two, I would awaken in a hospital far away from the abuse from the family units, & far away from the bullies at school, the constant daily harassment, etc.  All the while still thinking of [that person] whom I thought of whenever I had been in a fight at school, and thinking of how disappointed they'd be with me if they knew about it. 

Yes, just the mere thought that [that person] being disappointed in me was more important & influential than disappointing my parents, or my older brother.  In fact, I didn't know nor did I care that any of them would be disappointed if I had gone into school locked, cocked, & ready to rock (w/ no firearms, of course) to go down with a blaze of glory until I would've been hauled away to a hospital.  I had Special Ed counselors who had my best interests at heart more than the parental units.  Some of my instructors were better at having my best interests at heart than the family.  Yet, here I was the result of having given up what I WANTED so they could have their petty little bits in their lives.  A job!?  Money!?  To them, those were more important than forging roots somewhere, & more importantly staying there so that my brother and/or myself could have those longterm friendships that my mother currently blabs about that I never got to experience.

I mean, yeah, I had a few friends in high school, & some of those friendships I maintain today.  But back then, I would've given just about anything to be back in Southern California, and to see [that person] again.  If nothing else, just to tell them that I appreciated their guidance, their helpful advice, helping me to cope with the bullshit daily harassment & bullying.  I mean, I would've still had two other fronts to deal with.  The problems at home, along with medical problems stemming from Congenital Rubella Syndrome from birth including the (legal) blindness in my left eye including having glaucoma in that eye, but at least I would've had [that person] to talk to about ... well, appropriate topics.  Maybe even had an intimate relationship with [that person].  Probably not a romantic relationship with them, but something close to an actual intimate friendship. 

So, you asked what I gave up?  I gave up a lot.  And I continued giving up a lot in favor of helping my parents, or my older brother when he had his terrible accident in his Suzuki Sidekick, which honestly seemed like it could've been an oversized remote control car as far as my mother & myself were concerned, and he ended up paying the price of his arrogance & ignorance in both drunk driving & not wearing his seat belt.  He is damned lucky to be alive today, but it's because of his ignorance & his arrogance that has led me (and a current friend since high school) to always wearing a seat belt for sure.  When I get into my truck, regardless whether I'm the driver or the passenger, that truck doesn't move until all occupants are seat buckled in.  Period.

But anyway, I ended up giving up way too much.  I gave up having an actual social life in favor of an asshole father, a co-dependent & often enabling mother, a brother who felt he should've been an only child who was at some point molested (which I sometimes question given the nature of his "resentment" toward me, as my mother puts it!), and then there was myself.  Did I make mistakes?  Sure.  Did I push the limits that my parents had put down?  What kid doesn't.  Was I a perfect kid?  No, and I know of no such person who WAS or ever will be a perfect child.  In fact, if you can find someone that perfect, I bet they'd be a figment of one's imagination.

Because I was raised by a family full of assholes, especially on my dad's side of the family tree, I often turned to either friends at school (the few I did have during any period of time when we weren't going on a vacation with a fucking U-Haul behind our asses) or I "processed" my day(s).  Usually this meant finding a quiet, peaceful corner somewhere, and talking to myself as though someone is right beside me.  And usually, for security reasons, being well outside the range of would-be eavesdroppers.  People who ear-hustle to learn about their target. 

No, I was, and I still am, pretty careful about who hears me, versus what I know is a secure spot to just talk things out or "process" them.  My therapist says this is how I am "processing" things.  But to be perfectly honest, I'd much rather have someone, a woman preferably, physically present with me to talk to.  Someone who can help quiet my mind when it's time for bed, and to help me "process" my days when appropriate.  Or help me troubleshoot issues that are or aren't my own to deal with. 

I'd gladly trade-in my knowledge of technology, computer systems & networking, etc in exchange for knowing what it's like to have a female companion, someone with whom I have some level of intimacy with, maybe even a romantic relationship with, & having that person rely on me as well for the same things.  Well, maybe not exactly the same.  Some things a guy must do alone, just like some things women must do on their own as well.  But I often think about what I was essentially robbed of as a result of the events of June 1st, 1992. 

I often think of how my life might be different had I not given up those precious few friendships, especially with [that person].  I guess I'll never know.  Perhaps when time travel is finally invented, some future scientist and/or historian will want to piece together my life for whatever reason, and if that being the case, I would highly recommend going to May 24th, 1992, and just observe both my home on Wellesley Lane in Costa Mesa, California & the elementary school I went to in that same area.  Especially the following day's events in which I was twice bullied, and I was twice consoled by [that person].  The 2nd time is what led me to give to my 6th grade instructor Mrs. Liebengood a letter I had written to address the constant, daily bullying & harassment bullshit. 

In fact, if it were not for [that person] as well as Mrs. Liebengood (the first of my teachers in grade school who actually refused to give up on me), I doubt I would've seen a day beyond my 16th birthday with the way shit was going.

Anyway, I would love to know what I wrote on that letter.  I forgot how much I wrote, or if I had named specific people, but I was at the time tired of the bullshit.  Mrs. Liebengood wanted me to be out of the classroom during the letter reading & following discussion, but I remember I got impatient and went back to class, only to come in at the tail end of that discussion when [that person]'s name was mentioned, and I wanted to crawl under a fucking rock & remain there.  I was probably embarrassing [that person] to be mentioned in relation to who was helping me to cope w/ my life. 

All I know from that point on was that 1) Our trip to Sea World on June 10th was a most memorable trip in which I was invited to be among the crowd that [that person] was a part of.  In some ways, they were my defense against unneeded bullshit from bullies. 

The following Monday, June 15th, 1992, was our 6th grade "graduation"/promotion ceremony (much like what my late cousin's oldest daughter had gone through in 2012, & I was as proud of her then as I was just this last month for her own high school graduation), followed by a graduation party at a mutual friend's place.  That night was the one and only time I got to dance with [that person], and it was a treat, except when some wisecracking asshat kept going around and shoving the male kids' hands down toward the females' behinds, which I found was highly inappropriate.  I felt bad for [that person], and I assured them that I had not done so by choice.  They understood it was not me, & even verbally reprimanded that classmate for it.  Even the chaperones were just about ready to kick him out early because of his behavior.

But that night I won't ever forget for the rest of my life.  I just wished I would've stayed in California to keep cultivating that friendship with [that person], maybe even become intimate with them.  Enough to open up & not feel like such a fucking oddball.  *sigh*

"C'est la vie!" As the saying goes!

-JRK 2019
"Your bark is only as good as your bite.  BITE HARD!" -JRK 2004

Hope is never a wasted emotion or a wasted effort!

As I sit here watching something fun, i.e. "Lilo & Stitch" (a great standby movie for any occasion, but especially for today's events), I thought to myself, "If only I were proficient with music on piano, guitar, or my personal favorite, the drums, then I could help people that way.  Help them to heal!"

I mean, it sounds easier said than done, but if only I could be helpful that way, play for charities, especially for a victims' fund, or for people with vision impairments like myself blind in one or both eyes due to either birth defects or by an injury, etc, or play to help a fundraiser for people with disabilities (again, like myself), or help disaster relief funds, the possibilities are abundant.

The main thing I want to do, though, is use my music degree for something good.  Something that can help turn the tides, as it were, against the negativity that seems to drive our world nowadays.  Sometimes, I feel like I've failed my 1st 40 years of my life in pursuit of riches with being something that, to be fair, I'm not even that great with.  I mean, yeah, I'm a good computer tech, but I'm not even in the top 5k of the world's best I.T. people, not even in the top 20k of the United States.  I'd settle for being in the top 5M of the country's best computer support techs!  LOL  Though, seriously, I couldn't see how being a computer support tech would ever be a gamechanger in the battle of good vs. asshattery/fuckery!  I guess that's one among many other reasons I chose to abandon that career path. 

Whereas the idea of being an artist, a musician more specifically, can be a much more rewarding experience.  I know it's not quite the same, but when I saw on Star Trek: The Next Generation a blind man being the Enterprise's (NCC-1701-D) helmsman, later promoted to chief engineer, that gave me tons of hope while growing up w/ blindness in my left eye from a birth defect caused by Congenital Rubella Syndrome.  I know it's not quite the same as being influential from a musical standpoint, but LeVar Burton's portrayal of a blind helmsman is what helped me hope for my own future in life.  If a helmsman of the Enterprise can be a blind man, then I could sure as shit drive a car.  Provided I'm only blind on my left.  Otherwise, things might be different.

Who knows?  Maybe I will end up inspiring someone who has or had blindness or something else that is their disability.  But the main thing is that I don't want to contribute to the negative bullshit that we deal with already in this world.  I want to do something good, and worthwhile to be memorialized in music.

I believe in the power of music, and the power of using words to help someone to heal, or to feel like they have a stake in their own future, as well as the future of this world as well.  I believe that ONE voice can be more powerful than a thousand voices put together, and that either my music or someone else's will end up helping someone who has their own troubles in their life.  And even if ONE person is impacted in a positive manner from my music or artwork, or even if it's from someone else's, then I believe that as an artist, I've done my job getting my message across on some level or in some form.

It happened again! It keeps happening! Why!?

So, this happened at Virginia Beach today (05/31/2019), and I got to ask.... WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK?

I don't understand.  What drives someone to get so upset, so angry, or even so unbalanced that they think to themselves, "Shit, some people gonna die today if I'm not [happy, satisfied, etc] about [some bullshit thing]!"?

Every time an incident occurs, every mass shooting event triggers much of the same lip service, lights up the same age old debates of "More guns/Protect Gun Rights" vs "Gun Control Laws/Gun Reform Laws", etc, then the politicians offer "Thoughts & prayers", which does not do a fucking thing.  And then caught in the middle are the victim survivors & the families of slain victims.  What I don't get, & what I don't understand is why nobody sees obvious warning signs (there are ALWAYS warning signs), and even when they do, they hesitate to say anything for fear of being reprimanded for doing the right thing, a la "No good deed goes unpunished", right?

We end up discussing mental health problems, addressing those problems with more resources, and of course no real progress is made because it's not the singular factor in the "why?" of why someone decides to go all nutter butters, with guns!

First, let's put all of our cards right out on the table.  No amount of guns anywhere on anybody is going to solve the problem.  In a fire that's been ignited by use of gasoline as an accelerant, the last thing ANYBODY should do is pour more gasoline on that fire.  The same is true for the problem of gun violence resulting in mass shootings.  More guns, or more people armed, won't do any good to solve the problem beforehand.  Hell, if it were up to the NRA, every man, woman, & child age 8 and up would be armed to the teeth.  Because the laws in most states require someone to be 21 or older, that's at least one blessing, but it's not enough.  We've seen too many times that when someone is Hell bent to kill people, rules & laws won't do a damn thing to stop them.  Also, no amount of GUN LAWS are going to fix the problem either as stated already.  No amount of "Gun reform" or "Gun control" will do it, either.

Second, we have got to stop the blame game.  Some people think, "It's those damn video games, the ones where they let the players shoot innocent people in the game.  I say we ban all video games!  While we're at it, let's ban all media that contains violence with & without guns!  Can't get an idea if it's not in the media!", and they'd be wrong.  When someone is angry enough, no amount of "Leave it to Beaver", or "Father Knows Best" is going to persuade someone to rethink their choices.  Once a choice is made, there's very little to stop that person from accomplishing their goals of hurting and/or killing people. 

Also, there are some who feel like the following: "We need to put God back into schools!  It was much better when we forced kids to have prayer in the Bible!"  No, it wasn't.  In fact, the very 1st Amendment to our country's Constitution clearly states that "[sic]...there shall be no law respecting the establishment of a religion".  This is called the Establishment Clause, and it's supposed to be the wall that is the Separation of Church & State.  The founders of our country wanted to make this clear, because America is a mixed bag of all kinds of people from all kinds of religion.  Your imaginary friend, & the religous beliefs surrounding their mythology are NOT the only religion in the United States.

However, I do agree that we need to stop putting so much emphasis on "efficiency" that sometimes doesn't allow for any kind of "humanism" or compassion, or even giving a little latitude in some cases, & we need more emphasis on being "humanist" in the way we engage with people.  We need more compassion, more empathy, more emphasis on the value of human life, more sympathy for what others are going through in their lives.  Stop being .... introspective without regard for anybody else, or without realizing that others are being affected by our individual actions.

But lastly, we need to learn how to care again, about our fellow human being.  Ask them how they are doing, and MEAN it!  Ask them if they need help, and actually OFFER to help (and also MEAN to help without expectations of a reward, or to get some kind of reciprocal response or getting special kudos or recognition).  Give more than you take!  Give your attention to the people & things that matter.

We need less emphasis on being overly wealthy or have riches beyond measure.  We need a shit ton more emphasis on being a better human being, and encouraging people around us (lead by example) to be that better person. 

Guns are not inherently good or bad, but they do present too easy a solution for people who have been either jabbed at persistently (whether figuratively or literally is anybody's guess), or given too much shit for them to handle on their own, or had too many nights praying to their imaginary friend (God, Allah, etc) & not getting a measurable response of any kind, or perhaps mistaking the little voice in their heads as being from "God" (aka their imaginary friend) telling them to kill innocent people (men, women, children sometimes which is a despicable act all its own).  Gun laws can only be enforced from law enforcement that cares enough to enforce them equally, but we know that the men & women of the police departments around the United States aren't perfect, & more importantly they're "flawed" human beings like us all. 

The problem is that because we employ humans in our local, state, & federal level law enforcement agencies, we will always have incidents where innocent people will get hurt either by accident, or in some cases being purposely hurt with malicious intent.  However, we should at least attempt to address ONE major thing that is common in every major mass shooting incident.

We've got to do a better job telling society that mental health problems, mental illness, etc is not something that should be stigmatized.  There are millions of Americans who refuse to go get their mental health checkup for fear that they'll be labeled a "crazy", or "insane" individual.  Or that once given the label, that they won't be able to work, much less drive a car, or in some cases never allowed to wield a firearm (because Gawd forbid that we have to surrender our guns for any reason, even if we know it's for our own safety & for the sake & safety of others)!  It's that irrational, but not unfounded fear that makes some people avoid seeking help with their mental health problems at all.  They'd rather live in seclusion than have anybody know they were seeing a therapist or taking antidepressants, or going to counseling or support group therapy.

We have to stop stigmatizing our own mental health in favor of appearing "normal"!  It's because of society's irrational pursuit of "normal" or "perfection" that we get one mass shooting incident after another.  And violent movies, television, video games, etc ARE NOT the root of the problem.  It's the feeling of shame on the individual for having some sort of "imbalance" despite our mental health experts saying that feeling depressed or having anxiety for any reason is normal.  What's NOT normal is the irrational behavior of the few who believe that they have to do something drastic to get noticed, or to get a solution.  And this usually is the form of gun violence.  Or worse. 

If only we could learn to care about each other, care about our fellow human being, again, then maybe we can curtail some of these awful mass shooting incidents.  Maybe even prevent some of them.  Even if ONE life is saved from the effort, it's worth it.  Because even ONE LIFE LOST is too fucking many!

Remember, though, that we can teach the priceless value of human life of all human beings all we want, but it's also your behavior.  If you're saying one thing, but being hurtful to people outside the "teach the priceless value of human life" lesson plan, you're no better than any given hypocrite.  LEAD BY EXAMPLE!  Your children & their children will be watching us all!  Let's make a good impression.

Otherwise, don't be surprised when your kid becomes a real asshat in school because he or she thinks the behavior is tolerated because YOU chose to behave a certain way believing that your kids weren't watching.  In fact, it's probably not a good idea to do the whole "Do as I say, not as I do" curriculum of your lesson plan.

Here's an idea.... Do it right the first time, and you'll see the results flourish in your kids, and the kids around them.  If we're all in this together, teaching (& leading by example) the same lessons, the better we'll be as a society, & the mass shooting incidents might even decline.

However, let's get one thing straight!  It's not going to be 1) easy, 2) without sacrifice, 3) without some kind of discomfort, & 4) a quick fix!  No!  In fact, quite the opposite on ALL OF THAT!  It'll involve hard work, it'll be done with some sacrifices, & it will at times be highly uncomfortable.  It also will take A LONG TIME, possibly a generation or two at the least.  If we work at it, we can get this ship turned around to stop the mass shooting incidents.  If we don't all put in the work, then we're going to keep seeing shit like Virginia Beach, Columbine, the STEM school shooting, etc happen over & over again.  All the while, nobody learned a damned thing, nobody puts in the work to prevent another incident, we all get lip service from our country's elected representatives, & ultimately, we lose every time!

Let's make 2019 the LAST FUCKING YEAR we have mass shooting incidents!  Let's make it a goal that by 2050, we should see a sharp decline in these incidents popping up.  If we:

1) Learn to care about other people.
2) Learn to value the pricelessness of human life, no matter who it is!

3) Lead by example, behave the way we want our kids to behave, and for their future generations to also behave.

4) Stop stigmatizing mental health problems & illnesses!

5) Learn to embrace the idea of asking for/seeking help from a mental healthcare professional.

6) Instill the idea that nobody is "less than" someone else, or "more than" anybody else in terms of financial resources, wealth, health, etc.

7) Treat the people around us as we want to be treated (remember?  The golden rule?)!

8) Stop treating mental health problems as though it's a contagious disease.

9) Treat people with disabilities the way you'd want to be treated if it were YOUR DISABILITY!

Lastly,

10) Help one another.  The late Leonard Nimoy said once, "The more we share, the more we have!"  And I think it's more relevant now than ever before.  We need to be willing to share what we have to those who either have none, or have very little to give back. 

One last point, don't ever forget that when it's all said & done, when the dust settles, & and the end to each of our individual lives comes to, whatever you gain by stepping on "the little people" can't be taken with you to the next world, or the next life.  Treasure is the memories we have from being with our family, our friends, and of course, the memories of being a helpful person to those we don't even know personally.  Let me put it this way:  Do you want to be known as a badass who is an asshole to people, even going so far as to go out of your way to be an unnecessary asshole to someone for shits & giggles?  Or do you want to be known as the person who wanted to help others in whatever way you could, that you went out of your way to help someone, even if it meant giving your last $5 in your wallet?

I'd much prefer the latter.  I mean, I'll defend myself, my family, my friends, but I don't want to be a "Barney Badass" type to do it.  If the cause is just, then my defending my family & friends is an honorable cause in itself!

Do right by our world's future generations.  Treat everyone the way you would want to be treated or have your own family & friends treated.  Even if you get no reward for it.  The goal is not to be rewarded with material things. The goal is that your reward is being a good person doing good deeds, & being the kind of person people want to approach when they need help!

Sincerely,

-Jeffrey R. Kuntzelman 2019
aka "Admiral Blind Man" (@admiralblindman - Twitter)

"Your bark is only as good as your bite.  BITE HARD!" -JRK 2004

Sometimes I want to scream!

There are times I want to simply scream at the top of my lungs!

If I wasn't already inflicted by Non-alcoholic liver cirrhosis, I would ❤ to be drinking right about now.  Unfortunately, I can't.  Well, it depends.  I think it's both good & bad that I can't have any beer or any liquor.  Bad that I can't have any due to non-alcoholic fatty liver disease,  but good because I can't think of any GOOD reason to be f***ing wasted.  Though, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought that being like the sibling might help me to not care about such things in my life that I don't have any measurable control over.

*sigh*  I stay with this person because their significant other isn't always reliable, or when they are they often waste this person's resources (food, supplies, etc), or feed this person's dog things that the dog shouldn't have to begin with.  I stay because this person refuses to get outside help or to even ask for that external help.  I stay because the older sibling, whose stay was more about them having a vacation without their work using that person's vacation time, but calling it FMLA time, would not put up with even 1/4th the shit I've had to over the last 10 yrs or so.

Nope.  I guess I'm a sucker to be the kind one.  Being the "understanding" adult child who wants to genuinely help, but I end up getting this person's vitriolic feelings.  Especially when they either don't feel well, or when they're frustrated, or have a feeling of tiredness, or they're in pain.  I mean, I get it.  Pain sucks.  But to take it out on people who don't deserve it is all kinds of wrong.

I'll be damned happy when I'm back to attending classes again this upcoming 2019 Fall semester, and being far more unavailable to this person to be used as their emotional dumping ground or their proverbial "punching bag".  I'm beyond done dealing with this person asking me something, and when I say no, they ask again as though my answer "No" is code for "Oh, maybe on second thought!", and then when I say "No!" again with an exasperated tone, this person makes it seem like I'm not allowed to be annoyed having to repeat myself more than once!

But again, it'll be great not being available to be this person's emotional punching bag.  Their "I'm going to dump all of my emotional garbage onto you, and since you have no other place to put it, you'll have to put up with me despite having moved away!" sort of punching bag!

*SIGH*

I swear I think I need to be involved with either someone or something to get this person to stop treating me this way.  I've done nothing but try to be helpful, and this is the kind of treatment I get in return.  I think I'm done being the helpful adult child.  I would like to be involved with someone who appreciates what I do to help, not reward it with mistreatment or bile abuse.

Warning, you may end up being the villain in my art

I think, from now on when I feel frustrated by a certain somebody's rantings, their emotional dumping on me, I'll threaten to put them in a work of art, but they won't realize it until I've already published it.

Make them think twice about doing their once a month or weekly emotional dumping on me.  I don't mind being a listener, but for fuck sake if it's not my problem, why is this person coming to me about it?  Hell, if it's not their problem either, why the fuck does it matter?

And while we're on the subject, let's talk about a certain somebody's "friend" who is or is not always "reliable-ish".  Hell, I can't even think of the "ish" part without chuckling a little.  Worse yet, this person who does their emotional dumping on me is headed for surgery for their arms, their hips, and their failed total ankle replacements.  And this person has a dog (if you know who it is, don't spoil it for the rest of the uninitiated), which makes everything else even more complicated & fucked up than if they didn't have an emotional attachment to this animal.

I love animals.  I love dogs, I love cats, and I've even had a squirrel or two come up to me very courageously to grab a piece of bread.  But after our last family pet, our dog Baby (a part Dalmatian, part Australian Shepherd mix, predominantly dalmatian) who died in 2008, I was devastated.  Not just by her death, that we knew was inevitable.  It was the circumstances surrounding her death that made it almost unbearable to cope with.  I will never again embrace a pet like I had done with Baby, and that's going to be for the rest of my life.

Enter this person who, while holding my own vehicle as leverage for me to help her go shopping, dumps all of her mental health/emotional bags onto me, and it's usually the same 4 or 5 things that this person enjoys ranting about.  I can already hear them in my head, "I wouldn't say I enjoy talking about those things!"  Oh, really?  If it didn't have that much an impact on this person so intensively, why bring it up at all?  I'm only a "Mr. Fix-It" as far as computers, electronics, and some portable devices go, but as for mental health tools or emotional health first aid, that is beyond my skills to deal with.  That's why we, at some point in our lives, go to counseling, and to get the tools necessary to get our shit worked out so it's not all bottled up, and it's not all about one or more things, people, places to go, appointments with doctors, surgical procedures, school, work, etc.

Sometimes, we need a break, and doing the emotional equivalent of dumping onto someone who doesn't even have an invested interest in anything said or done by anybody or with anything this person rants about, isn't helpful either.  All it does is get passed down or, in my case, written about with ambiguity so that people can relate even if the circumstances aren't exactly the same, but I'm sure someone out there can crack the code if they wanted to.  All they have to do is get to know me.

I guess in the meantime, I'll begin to pull a "Phil Collins", and get my frustrations out in music.  If nothing else, to get my shit worked out in a healthy way rather than letting this individual rent garbage space in my head to fill it up with their shitheap piles of mental trash.

Be warned.  Be afraid.  Be very afraid.  Of being the next target of the next big "In the Air Tonight" in MY WORLD! 

Chronic Pain & other problems not specifically defined

I stumbled onto this Migraine.com link:

https://migraine.com/?p=107372

And with that link on Facebook was the following "description" of the post:

"Being in pain almost every single day for so many years is emotionally and physically draining... Through navigating my new normal I have learned several life-changing lessons that have shifted how I see myself."

I can say with experience that pain, migraines & otherwise, are practically a living Hell on someone's life.  It can affect relationships, work & specifically job performance, and lots more.  I know that for my own experiences, pain kept me from going to my late cousin's two daughters' birthdays occasionally, I canceled plans with friends on a number of occasions, canceled plans with family, called out sick quite often when I was working, etc.  I'm glad I'm not on the path to a computer support tech Associate of Applied Sciences degree, and I've switched to an Associate of Arts Music degree w/ designation (whatever "w/ designation" means).  I figured music has been a very helpful form of therapy for me to heal, both physically & also mentally/emotionally/etc. 

If I'm able to complete this new degree program, and I am able to put into words to express how I feel about my experiences with chronic pain, how it did a number on my relationships with friends & family, and how I paid the price of chronic pain suffering with losing some good paying jobs, not being able to get gainfully employed after I walked away from my last job in 2008 following a mental health breakdown.  It was the sum result of having to suffer migraine pain daily, following by living with an asshole of an unsympathetic, very misinformed, and highly narcissistic sociopathic older brother, and his merry band of gay fuck-buds.  I have nothing against gays/homosexual men, or even homosexual women, bisexual women/men, etc.  But my brother IS the one exception in my book.

As much as my mother likes to paint a picture of him being "sensitive" to my medical problems (allegedly), I know him very differently, and although she may feel he's a different man now, I don't have any sympathy for him any longer.  I used to care, but I just can't anymore.  Not after him mistreating me, sometimes harshly.  Living with him twice while we have been adults has been less than successful.  He's the kind of dickhead who went out to go drinking & partying, and having a good time with drugs (a chip off the old block from our late father), and yet had the gall to accuse me of faking pain, making me stressed out even more, and claiming I wasn't "sacrificing enough" to work hard to be able to pay rent, because apparently he sacrificed plenty to go drinking, partying, getting drunk or high, or both. 

Yeah, I have little to no sympathy anymore about him.  I still care about him, and love him because he's my only brother, but I cannot trust him, I cannot be sympathetic to his "problems" especially his medical, and I don't feel I should have to.  If this person, my brother, feels so high and mighty, he can suffer and then fix himself all on his own. 

Seriously, whenever mom brings him up, I instantly tune it out.  I can't let that shithead rent space in my head in any capacity.  He can go be gay all he wants, but as for wanting sympathy from me whenever his majesty suffers a medical or health problem, I have vowed not to indulge his royal highness for such forced "feelings", aka "I require your unfettered attention & your devout sympathies for myself, since I am my own brand of royalty!"

I digress.  Pain can have such a detriment to daily living, and have a debilitating effect on keeping and maintaining good healthy relationships.  And when some friends, or even family members (like in my own experiences), are dismissing chronic pain as being "faked" or being not real, making condescending comments, or being unsympathetic, making harsh comments about "working hard", & my favorite, "You gotta push through the pain!", it makes life with chronic pain unnecessarily harder than it ought to be.  I mean, chronic pain in any form is tough enough to live with as it is, but having a family member like my own experience with my older sibling who is dismissive about your pain, doesn't understand it, doesn't want to understand it except their own interpretations & misunderstandings of said chronic pain, or isn't interested in what kind of factors that can make the pain worse, it makes those familial relationships much more strained, and certainly doesn't help the mental health part of it.

Things like anxiety, depression, and other things while experiencing chronic pain is often misunderstood, and even dismissed by some friends and family members as "fake depression" or fake anxiety.  Unfortunately, until those same friends or family members truly experience chronic pain for years on end, they won't ever "get it".  Except in my older brother's case.

In his mind, he's the only person who works hard, has ever worked hard, or ever WILL work hard, and that nobody works as hard as he does.  So, imagine if he had cheonic pain.  He'd claim he'd be the only person who's EVER had chronic pain, that nobody can relate to the kind of chronic pain he has, and that only he could ever have experienced the chronic pain he'd have, and that he alone is the only "authority" of knowledge about chronic pain.  Ever!

That's his mentality.  And that's why whenever mom brings up that he doesn't feel well, I can't help but have as much unsympathetic feelings towards him as much as he had with me when I was experiencing a shit ton of pain that I now understand was due to an eye that had lots of problems that went undiagnosed.

Anyway, I just hope that with the one & only exception being my older brother, that many more people, as well as employers nowadays are far more understanding of chronic pain sufferers.  I hope there are, but somehow I doubt Comcast/Xfinity in Denver is any better than when my employment was terminated with them in 2007 due to excessive absences & time off, all of it was to address my medical & health problems.  Fortunately, not only did Comcast NOT have a representative in my hearing for unemployment benefits, but the hearing officer found in my favor since I did make an effort to go to work even while having severe pain on the day I was officially "out of bounds" with more "excessive absences" as per Comcast. 

Unfortunately, Sitel in Las Vegas was far worse.  When I was hospitalized for three days on a legal 2000 hold (I had intentionally tried to OD on over-the-counter medications mixed with what little pain medication I had left).  Upon my return, my supervisor said, and I quote "I'm glad you're better, but THAT can't happen again!".

Between that & living with an older brother who treated me as though I never before worked a job ever, I just fucking snapped.  That's when I logged off my workstation, logged off my call center phone system ID, went into the break room to see some friends posts, and then I walked out the front door after picking up my cell phone from the security desk.  I had it with both that workplace, living with my older brother, & the excessive amount of pain from migraines that I now understand was due to a detached retina, my glaucoma Baerveldt implants were too big possibly causing scar tissue, and due to all of that was the nerve damage from so many dozens of eye surgeries.

So, while migraines are a physical health issue primarily, they do have a mental health component, and if one's support network is less than supportive, chronic pain of any kind can be a really difficult situation to have to deal with on a regular basis.

Anyway, I'm ranting.  I just feel like if I rant here, I can get some healthy, and friendly advice on how to properly process it so I can heal.  I hope one day to write music based on my experiences with chronic pain, dealing with unrelenting hardships & strained relationships with family members.  Some of whom have little to no sympathy except for themselves being that they're narcissistic.  They also have little to no understanding of how chronic pain is such a difficult problem for someone to live with, much less deal with their life on that daily basis.  Especially when that chronic pain sufferer is trying to make sure that they have the resources to be able to get through each day, and eventually get better if they're able to.

I want someday to have people see the world through my eyes, not to pun another favorite Phil Collins song from the Disney animated film "Brother Bear" soundtrack.  He did some excellent music for both Brother Bear, and Tarzan!  I hope I'm able to meet PC someday.  It would be a most excellent honor.

Someday, hopefully soon, I can express what I have felt for the first 40 yrs of my life in music.  The severe anxieties living with my family growing up, especially with an older sibling who was almost worse than the bullies at school.  Meeting not one, but two young ladies in grade school that showed me that there are good people in this fucked up world, this fucked reality, who do have a sympathetic heart, an open mind, & are not judgmental & not having some kind of darkness in their eyes & their heart. 

The depression during middle / junior high school after I left southern California to help support my dad (emotionally), and then years later not only having regretted that decision, but also having resentment toward my father.  When we were going to help my mother and older bro move to Colorado Springs in 1992, I had it in my head how I was going to ask my mom or my dad, probably mom, to help me go see... a friend.  To tell that friend that she was the best thing to happen to me in a long time, and that I would never forget her & what she had done that kept me sane during that last year of grade school in 6th grade at College Park Elementary school in Costa Mesa, California.  In fact, if I hadn't left, I would have attended Costa Mesa High School with that young lady.

Anyway, my dad tried to get back to Costa Mesa with a car, but the car ended up having mechanical problems not even 40 minutes out of Colorado Springs.  He tried to get plane tickets for the two of us, but could not afford it.  When my uncle Roger, my dad's younger brother, offered to help us, my dad refused.  In what was probably another stupid decision, I offered to stay behind.  I ended up giving up my plans to meet that young woman so that my dad could retrieve my mother & brother.  It wasn't so much that I gave up that idea of meeting her one last time, but more the reaction my dad had when I said it was okay for me to stay behind.  When I said I would stay behind, he shot up from him laying on the couch, and got ready to go in less than 10 minutes.  THAT was what pissed me off!  I was very unhappy, emotionally upset, & absolutely angry.  I never forgave him for that, and obviously never forgot either.

I have digressed again.  I guess the bottom line is that people who have chronic pain on a daily or somewhat frequent basis have to often suffer some scrutiny from family members & relatives, some friends, some workplace colleagues & management especially supervisors & managers who don't see a 20-something chronic pain suffer.  They see a 20-something young man who probably (in their minds) wanted only to get out of work to go party, go drinking, go do anything but work.  No, they suspect the worst because of other workers who've done those things.  Even with a doctor's notes, or even a well-documented fact of disability statement from a physician, some employers nowadays don't even take that as proof of being disabled or even have chronic pain of any kind.

My mother and I talked about this very topic the other day.  We both agree that when your disability is not immediately visible, i.e. using a cane, have a cast or a brace on one or both arms, an arm sling, or something that makes the disability "visible", that nobody especially employers don't take your disability as a serious matter.  Since 2010, I have begun to use my blind cane regularly.  I don't need to use one, but it does help show people that I do have a vision deficiency.  Before I used it, I got very nasty remarks from some folks, even got yelled at by another customer in an Arc thrift store for trying to look at the same stuff he was looking at.  I almost nailed him in his family jewels for that, but my better judgment prevailed in having my first assault charge on an idiot customer.

After I have begun using it, people go out of their way to be .... accommodating.  They'll give me a wide berth, open doors for me, ask if I need help, etc.  People treat you differently when your disability is "visible" via using some kind of disability device.  Now that I'm classified as being permanently disabled (notwithstanding my migraines now that I have them under a measure of control), I have begun reminding my mother about how some disabilities are invisible when she suspects someone parked in a disability parking space isn't disabled at all.  Even years before we moved to Colorado, I had to keep reminding her of that fact.

In hindsight, I wish I would have used a blind cane or a "white cane" when I was in K-12 schools.  Bullies would NOT have been such a problem if I'd used a blind cane, but my late father didn't believe in nurturing the "disability" aka my vision impairment (my left eye being blind from birth).  He didn't believe in going to doctors, going to hospitals, much less having health insurance of any kind.  Look where it got him!  He died of a heart attack, and hadn't gone to a single doctor that I know of during my lifetime.

Because of his unwillingness to go to doctors, I regularly visit my primary care physician, I go to my numerous specialists, & go to counseling on a semi-regular basis as well.  My older brother, while still an asshole, has now started to see a doctor, and has even found out he has multiple allergies.  I wished he was allergic to being an asshole.  Could've broken his narcissism.  Even if it was just a little.

Again, I know I'm ranting.  Maybe once I'm back in class to learn my new passion, I will be posting more about my progress in learning my passion in music!  Maybe even learn to write a song or two about these experiences.  Maybe someone out there has gone through some of the same shit I've been through.  Maybe if they knew someone understands their feelings, they might begin to reach out to friends & family who do understand, and aren't douchebags like my older brother.

I want to post fun stuff again.  No more writing about what drives my depression, my anxiety, etc.

JRK's small (relatively speaking) wish list

From the desk of Jeffrey R. Kuntzelman aka "Admiral Blind Man" ©2019

I'm just going on record....

It'd be nice to win even a small amount of money.  Like, say, $100k.  I mean, I'm not greedy.  I just don't enjoy being broke most of the time.  I don't think I'm even that bad asking the universe for a little help.  You know?  I just want to make enough to get by while having a little extra to go do the things I would like to do with friends.  Or even certain family relatives.  Or both, in some cases.

That doesn't make me a bad person, does it?  Just enough money to go out & do what I love for a living, make enough money to have some fun, and have a little extra to have some fun with friends & some family members/relatives. 

And no, I'm not even considering stealing the money.  I want to either make it legally with steady gigs (once I'm proficient enough), or win it legally.  Either way, I just want enough to live comfortably.  You know?  Enough to pay bills, and have enough left to go do some fun stuff with friends from time to time.  Like mini-golf games, bowling, or hittin' up a movie or two.  Just so I'm not stuck at home on any given Friday night or any weekend day's night. 

Is that a lot to ask?  I don't think it is, but I've been known to be wrong.

I guess what I want, in no particular order I suppose is....

1. Have enough money to pay off my bills, both past, and present bills, i.e. the usual stuff like rent, electricity, cable, and phone, but also stuff that is still outstanding like all of my hospital stays, ambulance rides, etc.  Pretty sure that plus a bunch of other stuff now totals over $25k.

2) After paying off all those bills, having enough left over to go do some fun stuff with a friend or two (Tom, Shannon, even my friend Jamie and/or my friend Chris from Las Vegas) like going on a road trip or something to the east coast would be fucking awesome.

3. Eventually finding my future Ms. Right.  The woman of my dreams.  Well, not that I dream about her specifically, so it's not like I have a specific person in mind, but basically a woman who likes doing a lot of the same stuff I like to do like play video games, play some music (playing guitar, piano, or the drums would be a total plus, and if she's a PC phan, that's even better)!  A woman who is super smart, compassionate, & understands that my picky eating habits are NOT within my control.  Period.  Somebody I could spend hours talking to, and then if we happen to have a day of no talking to each other, we have that kind of time off, and then when we start talking again, it's like we can pick up where we left off without missing a beat.  As my friend Jamie Thomas once put it, somebody who would leave me alone most of the time, but would at least check in on me every once in a while for supoort, or if I needed something, i.e. rides to my doctors, maybe even accompany me to those doctor visits, and be taking notes so I don't forget anything.  And, of course, I would do the same for her.

4. If this woman, this Ms. Right (possibly a future Mrs. "Right"-Kuntzelman" if she does exist, I would hope she doesn't let me ever give up on my dreams, doesn't let me give up on my music, and certainly doesn't let me give up on my writing either.  In exchange, I'd do all I can to support her efforts in whatever it may be to her liking.  Maybe she also shares an interest in writing, either in general fiction or does some songwriting too.  Maybe she's a musician as well, and can complement my playing piano or the drums, or maybe we both are learning to play guitar.  Either way, it'd be really awesome to strike some good luck playing with women.  No, not all women are timid or introverted.  But the ones who are just need someone as introverted as they are to bring out their musical talents.  Let's make music together!

5. I want to "be noticed", but not like for big projects.  I mean, I can do audio-video editing a little bit, I've dabbled in it, but it would be nice for someone to say, "You know, you do some really good work there, but I'll bet I could teach you a few things that will make your work GREAT!" & help tutor me on the finer things in audio/video editing.

6.  But mainly just to be able to go out & not feel so.... trapped.  Either because of the weather, or because I'm broke & the account is on empty, almost like my gas tank at the moment.

7. Which brings me to another point.  I want to be able to own a vehicle that is new enough that I don't have to worry about using blind spot mirrors since it has blind spot sensors to detect idiots that I can't see over my left shoulder, but I don't think I could say "No" to a new Camaro, or a Dodge Challenger.  Except for the winter, then I'd want either a Dodge or a Chevrolet truck.  Nothing big, but something that can tell Old Man Winter to fuck off if I had to go somewhere, like to go get mom if she needed help getting out to go get her stuff done, you know?

I really don't think I'm being greedy.  I think everything I just listed off is within reach as long as I stay true to my academic goals.  Perhaps, in time, I'll get there all on my own.  But I wouldn't say "No" to a little help along the way.  Especially when it comes to performing some of my favorite songs on either piano, guitar, or (yes, of course) the left-handed setup on the drums!  Or a right handed setup depending on the song. 

But again, I wouldn't say "No" to a little help along the way. 

LLAP! ⒿⓇⓀ✌

Not all blind men!

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bby475/aita_for_getting_a_blind_student_kicked_out_of/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

I haven't seen or heard the details of the incident in question, but I do know this much from what I have inferred from the comments. 

First, not all blind men are like this.  Because more than 50% of my cousins are female whom I was fairly close to growing up & were the closest I had to sisters in my life, & especially two of which are daughters to one of those female cousins (May she RIP) whom I ❤ dearly, I don't dare do even half the shit that many of my male friends may have done prior to when I met my late cousin's two beautiful daughters who are now the lights of my life. 

So, I fully believe that someone's upbringing & their relationships with people both within their family clan, & with their female friends (if any), can heavily influence someone's behavior & mannerisms.  There are plenty of disturbed men out there who aren't blind and are still assholes, but when someone uses their disability to such a sinister advantage, it's not only uncool & creepy, it's either borderline straddling the legal limit, or downright against the law, full stop!

Secondly, all that being said, I would say that, since meeting my late cousin's two daughters, & having them in my life as a reminder that some things in life are worth fighting for, worth living for, that I've become concerned when I hear of stuff like this.  I am concerned for the women in my life including my remaining living female cousins both 1st & 2nd generations, my aunts, my (unrelated) niece, my mom even (that's a given), but especially those two lovely young ladies who have given me a most treasured nickname that I'm more than honored to have bestowed upon me. 

It would not bode well if I found out someone, regardless whether they have a legitimate disability, especially being vision-impaired or having partial or full blindness was taking advantage of any of the women in my life, i.e. family members/relatives and/or friends of mine, & were uncool to any of them!  It wouldn't bode well for that sumbitch idiot who abused their status as "disabled" to harass the women in my life, or worse. 

Unfortunately, the laws regarding "stalking" are not as strong as they should be.  Perhaps if male lawmakers were the victims of female stalkers, the laws would be changed to such a degree that it would end up a federal level felony if convicted.  The other unfortunate thing is that, knowing how male lawmakers think, if they did become victims of female stalkers, laws would be quite specific in singling out WOMEN stalkers.  Yes, that's right.  The men in Congress would conveniently not make a gender neutral law regarding creepy people.  Let's face it!  Congress, & to be more specific, republican men in Congress (both House & Senate) would make sure they are allowed to be fully creepy & disturbing, while making it clear they're not going to protect women, and would even go as far as to PROTECT the sinister men who creep out women to the max. 

Anything bad that happens to women especially when it's regarding a man who has done some fucked up shit are, in the minds of Republican men, the fault of women. 

Example:

Women: "I was raped!"

Republicans: "It's your fault.  You must have done something to provoke him!"

Women: "I was at home!"

Republicans: "You must've invited him!"

Women: "He was an intruder!"

Republicans: "He says you invited him.  That's good enough for me to protect an essentially innocent man against the word of a woman!"

Also:

Women: "This weirdo keeps calling me, heavy breathing into the phone, then hangs up!"

Republicans: "You must've given him your number!"

Women: "It's an unlisted phone line!"

Republicans: "But the phone company has your phone number.  Therefore, he must've gotten your number.  That means he's innocent!"

And.... :

Women: "My (ex)husband hit me repeatedly, and sexually assaulted our daughter!"

Republicans: "You must've provoked him, otherwise he wouldn't have had to defend himself!"

Women: "I was making him dinner!".

Republicans: "So, you were going to poison him!  All the more reason to protect him!"

Women: "He was dumbfucking drunk!"

Republicans: "So, he had one beer.  That doesn't make him violent, or a sex offender!"

Women: "But he RAPED our 12yr old daughter!"

Republicans: "She was probably dressed provocatively!"

Women: "TWELVE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER!"

Republicans: "But you both are his property.  You're supposed to do anything he says or does.  It's in the Bible.  Read your bible!"

Women: "HE HIT ME OVER THE HEAD WITH THE SCALDING HOT PAN I WAS COOKING HIS DINNER WITH, AND HE HAS REPEATEDLY SEXUALLY ASSAULTED OUR FUCKING DAUGHTER!"

Republicans: "So, what you're saying is that you were going to poison your (ex)husband, & that your daughter was being sexually promiscuous with him!"

Women: "That's not at all what I said, and you fucking know it!"

Republicans: "All I hear is that an innocent man was going to be poisoned, and that his daughter wanted to have sex with your husband!"

That!  That's that bullshit with Republicans.  They'll dismiss everything a woman says to protect their potential Republican voter & possible campaign donor.

I digress, I'm getting off-topic.  The point is that men who are acting dishonorably & highly inappropriately should be treated as hostile suspects & charged with criminal misconduct & mischief resulting in psychological torment & harassment.  The thing is that unless it happens to male lawmakers, or happening to straight men by obviously disturbed homosexual men, the laws won't change, and women everywhere are at the mercy of police who will follow the law to the letter, meaning they'll conveniently not investigate a stalker who is a borderline sociopath / psychopath that may turn ugly fast if not found, caught by law enforcement, & charged with a felony crime. 

But as for men who have disabilities of any sort who harass people, especially when it's a disabled man being inappropriate with women, it's totally uncool.  And again, it disturbs me when, as a blind man myself, I get labeled as something I'm not because some other idiot took advantage of being "not blind" blind & harassing people, and again especially women!

My days in late 2007 through mid 2008

From the desk of Jeffrey R. Kuntzelman 2019

From "Memories" on Facebook...

Honestly, I have no recollection of what exactly I did that was such a "FUBAR" event. Only thing I can think of is that I dropped an F-bomb on a customer. Of course, at the time in 2008, I was sleeping on a friend of my older brother's place, I was sleep deprived due to having sometimes only 2 or 3 hours of sleep every night, and then waking at 6am every morning, followed by being at work at 8am later in the morning, followed by waiting to start my shift at Sitel which would've been 11am. My shift would end around 6pm or 7pm. Then, because my brother often feels like he's the only one who has EVER worked a "real job", in his view, we all (roommates, my brother, etc) would listen to my brother gripe about his day. Often starting with "I had this one customer...." and as for the validity, or whether he was embellishing his stories (I believe it was the latter), he would babble on the whole night until 1 or 2am. This went on from November 2007 to about late April/May 2008. Which would lead me to an all-out venting to my brother, and subsequently having to be admitted to a hospital in May 2008, followed by my walking away from my job (figuratively & literally), which would then end up being the last job I worked over 10 years ago.

Whatever the "FUBAR" was, it probably was the catalyst for all of the events leading up to my eventual hospital visit, twice, and then losing my job. Not long afterward, I moved to Colorado to live with mom, and that was a rough couple of years at first.

Still, though, I don't remember at all what the "FUBAR" was, but I'm glad I'm not in that type of work anymore. Now, I just want to focus my efforts on becoming a musician. To what degree or extent is yet to be determined, but regardless, the events of late 2007 through almost mid-2008 made me realize my brother is an asshole!  And not just an asshole, but one who is aware of his narcissism, and sometimes enjoys it.  Like a sociopath.  Probably gaslighting people in his path, including yours truly.  

When my mother wants to bring up anything regarding my brother, I instantly become anxious.  I tell her I don't want to talk about my brother about anything related to his ... life or lifestyle.  My therapist believes that my reaction to my mother bringing up my older sibling, describing my inability to trust people as a result of being harassed & bullied from K through 12 (right up to HS graduation day June 11th, 1998), my surviving abuse of all kinds as a child, are all what she considers consistent with PTSD.  

Anyway, the FUBAR incident is something I must've blocked out.  I can't recall anything about that day.  Of course, because I had no real outlet to vent, and I didn't have my journals to write in, either online or manual pen/pencil & paper (which I've hidden, because nobody will get to read that shit when I leave this world several decades from now), I don't have any record that can give me clues to what it was.  I'm fairly certain it was the incident in which I was "randomly selected" for a drug test, and when I was told "You popped positive for codeine!", I was furious with Sitel at that, because it was part of my prescription pain killer medication.  I was suspended for 3 days for something that I was legally taking at the direction of my primary doctor.

I'm so very lucky I walked away from that job.  I had fantasized about bashing in my brother's head with a frying pan.  He often came home so blitzed out of his fucking mind, he wouldn't have seen it coming or had time to react.  I'm glad I didn't carry out that fantasy, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have nights where I was really considering it.

At this point, though, I wish I could go back to early 2003, and help get my doctors to start thinking outside the box with their pain management methods.  I wish I would have considered removing my eye much sooner, like around 2003/2004-ish.  Finding out there were indications of detached retina, chronic and acute hemorrhaging, and the baerveldt implants for my glacuoma being too big for the eye were part of the reason I was consistently having days & nights filled with such awfully severe pain.  And very little compassion from my older brother didn't help me at all.

Remember, according to my older brother, NOBODY works harder or as hard as my older brother.  Nobody has a job worse than his job.  And of course, when it came to my work, my job, he didn't believe I did ANYTHING close to what he might consider "hard work", because again, NOBODY works as hard as my older brother.  

Just thinking about that year doesn't give me any "happy thoughts".  It's hard to not want to have a "mental health day" where I accept that I have deep feelings that can't be simply "cried away".  The only way I can ever get better is if someone does the one thing I know that they'll never do.  Apologize!

And even if he/she offered the apology, I have strongly held doubts that they'd ever be sincere.  And would I be willing to accept it at all?  Probably not.  The urge to punch my brother in the face multiple times might be overwhelming.

*sigh*

Some things just shouldn't have gone the way that they did in 2007 and 2008.  I honestly feel that year(s) had been the start of my decline in health, especially my physical health, my emotional health, and my mental health, and not having access to mental health resources were a challenge in Southern Nevada, especially in Las Vegas, NV, and not having access to social outlets to let me vent more often also didn't help me one bit.

This, among other times in my life, are the reason I wish I could go back in time, change events in my life, and seriously violate the Temporal Prime Directive.  I'd violate the shit out of it!