My mood swings from yesterday!

I wanted to also say that yes, I was feeling down this time yesterday.  I awoke in a lot of pain, as well as feeling sick to my stomach.  However, when I got in the mail my new Starfleet admiralty bars in the mail yesterday afternoon, I felt instantly better!  

The bars on the left were the smaller ones, not curved, and were on my uniform shirt collar.  The ones on the right were, as you can see, bigger, and curved for a collar/neck area.  

When I wanted to see how they'd look on my uniform, I felt the desire to have some pictures taken.  So I had asked my friend from just a few doors down from my apartment to help me with the pictures, & I felt instantly better while wearing that uniform.  Like I was born to wear it!  She kept remarking to me how handsome I looked in that uniform!

But I digress!

So, yeah, I have mood swings.  This is part of my mental health problems with bipolar disorder 2.  I admit that openly not to gain sympathy/empathy from friends.  Only acceptance that I have to deal with it, & have dealt with it for some time.  That my depression, anxiety, etc are all part of a lifelong struggle for me, and while there's no official cure, my treatment is wearing the Star Trek outfit when I can, despite having a belly that I struggle with as well, and it doesn't help my mental health any.  I would love to be back down to 165lbs, but ideally, I would settle for 180lbs.  

Because my diet can't hardly change, I must find the energy, while in chronic pain, to get into exercise, but I'm always just too tired, unmotivated, & again... pain!  Plus, I don't know where to start, or even how to start making it a habit again!  All I know is that I 1) don't want to end up like my late father (in more ways than on), & 2) I want to live with better health, feeling better (physically & emotionally), & finally having the kind of companionship that, for whatever reason, I'm unable to imagine for myself.  It may be part of my depression & other mental health problems, i.e. the bipolar disorder II.  

So, if friends want to unfriend me for that, I bid you farewell, & I hope you find what you're looking for in life.  Because I'm still looking for my own lifelong happiness.

Aladdin (the 1992 animated film)

(Image courtesy Frontier TV, of https://tv.frontier.com/details/FHPK1514907081046357/)

Mom wanted to (politely) argue tonight that we saw this movie when it was freshly new in the movie theaters in 1992 in Las Vegas, NV!  I counterargued that we didn't move to Vegas until 1993, since we were in Colorado Springs, CO at the time in 1992 when this wonderful movie was released to theaters.

Besides, I had a HUGE crush on a young woman I had gone to school with at College Park Elementary school during my final year of grade school in 6th grade in Costa Mesa, California at the time (circa Sept 1991 - June 1992) whose name was the same as the main female character.  That's why I can remember vividly where we were, and more importantly who I was with when I saw this film.  And no, it was NOT (unfortunately for me) the young lady in question.  I wish she had been the person I went to see this film with. I wish that had been the case for a variety of reasons. Especially when the person I saw this with my older brother.  Not exactly the best movie partner to hang out with.

I remember visiting the young woman once when she lived in Costa Mesa in 1994, and to no one's surprise, she had a SHIT TON of Aladdin-themed little knickknacks on her dresser that span across an entire wall.  I also remember asking her "So did you like that movie!?"  And again, to nobody's surprise, she nodded excitedly saying "Yes!"

I would've given both of my dad's, and my older brother's, testicles to be able to live in California again, and to maybe have the opportunity to go out with that young woman after she had helped me get through a very difficult time in my life during that school year.  I know the possibility of becoming even remotely in a romantic relationship with her was so incredibly small, I still would have liked to explore that remote possibility.  Though, I guess I'll never know, will I?

I kick myself often in the ass for letting my family members (the mom, the abusive/alcoholic/drug addict dad, the older brother unit) influence me into making dumb decisions so that they can have their petty lots in their lives.  Was it the right choice?  Some might argue "Yes, absolutely!  You had no right to be any bit selfish, even if you were just developing those feelings!", but I say "You didn't know how narcissist my dad & older brother were!"  But let's face it, the reason why was just not worth the years of abuse & assault I suffered, both at home & at school.

To me, she had done more than keeping me on an even keel.  She had been capable of being that way for others besides me.  That was what really got me to have such a crush on her.  I mean, yeah, she was (and I am fairly sure she still is in my mind) awesomely beautiful, but not just on the outside either.  She had a most wonderful personality, and when I witnessed her consoling a younger student at the same school, a little girl, I felt she was the spark of humanity I had been waiting to see for a long time up until that point in my life.

Because she helped others the same that she did for me is what I liked especially about her.  It wouldn't have mattered to me whether she was rich or poor, or somewhere in between.  What mattered to me is what I saw both in her eyes, and in her heart.  And that will forever be what is in my memories of that brief time.

Birthdays & celebrating them!

I know this is going to sound petty, but can we please stop saying "[I/He/She/whatever] turned [age number] today!"

I think it'd be far better if we started saying "Billy just celebrated his 15th anniversary of being alive on this Earth!" Or "Johnny had just celebrated his 22nd birthday last month!"

The former phrasing kind of makes it sound negative.  Like "Oh shit, they're getting older again!?  Didn't they just have a birthday last year!?"

JRK's personal log supplemental

I've been awoken by severe back pain 3rd night in a row.  And my meds aren't helping relieve the pain.  It's good that I'm seeing my pain management specialist on Monday afternoon, because this back pain is just awful.  I have also yet to see another podiatrist (foot doctor) for my aching & painful feet & leg pain.  If I stand for any time longer than five (5) or ten (10) minutes, I begin to hurt awfully bad!  To the point where if I sit, I'll hurt even more with my back as screwed up as it is. 

This makes doing home chores difficult, & when I sit too long either that also exacerbates the pain in my lower lumbar back region.  Such to the point that doing any amount of school class assignments begin to feel cumbersome & uncomfortable at best.  At worst, I hurt much more than before I started.

On an unrelated note, I'm still waiting to get my student loan refund.  And since mom will be out of town for a little bit next week, it'll be no more "I need [this or that errand] done, because I forgot to make a ride for myself.  Even if I did, there's nobody to watch my Mojo!"  Pity I can't just offer to pay for a dogsitter, or he cab/Lyft/Uber ride.  If anything to shut her the fuck up!

Don't misunderstand me!  I ❤ my mom with all of my heart.  BUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuut.... just like Mike Westen's mom on Burn Notice, Madeline Westen (portrayed by Sharon Gless), she'll give me what I want, but it comes with a price behind her "Oh, so sweet!" motherly smile & attitude/behavior!  If I could afford it, I'd buy her a vehicle, put it in my name on the title with her name as a co-owner, then she could theoretically be the registered owner by the DMV (vehicle registration & license), and pay for her own insurance.

If she just put in some real effort to find a babysitter for Mojo, someone competent enough to take care of an ailing dog that won't be abusive or hurt the dog.  Because as much as I dislike being around Mojo (who doesn't really like me around mom... or her dog food), I would very much use my cane Leela to beat the shit out of an animal abuser, and then drag them to the Lakewood Police Department while instilling the notion that if they don't confess being an animal abuser & beg for jail/prison, that I'd find them, and let animal rights activists' groups have at him or her while expressing my utter delight that they'd be rather uncomfortable at best.

I mean, hey she's (Mojo) family now!  Just like if the Iranian guy that my brother is currently living with does anything to hurt my brother unit, that guy would have to go to a hospital and have my cane Leela surgically removed from his ass, while stitching up every bruise, every cut, every deep wound that I'd make sure he went to the hospital with after I'm done with him.  That's not a threat.  That's a promise!  I may not like many members and relatives of my family, but I'll protect & defend them dearly!

Anyway, as for Mojo?  Not my fucking problem.  I'm way over being the glorified dog sitter so she (mom) doesn't have to worry that someone, somewhere doesn't call Police Animal Control like what happened to us in 2014 just after we got Mojo for mom (because mom didn't want to wait & also go through proper channels to get a proper service dog) in Wheat Ridge, Colorado while at my previous podiatrist.  We, and by we, I mean MOM was told that if Wheat Ridge PD animal control was called again specifically for a report of a dog in MY truck having been in it despite the windows rolled almost all the way down, and in a shaded spot, that not only would Mojo be taken away from MOM, but that my Ruby could also be taken away (impounded) for evidence.

This is why I can't just tell mom "No", but I'd love to.  If she had her own vehicle, insurance, etc, then she could also have to figure out what to do about Mojo!

*BIG SIGH*

C'est la vie!  Mi mamá loca!   Mein Leben ist beschissen!

I don't want to sound ungrateful, but...

It seems lately that no matter how hard I try to balance my personal affairs, my educational goals, and of course my medical situation, someone along the line feels that either I'm not being more attentive, or being ungrateful, or rude, or something.

And it stems from a variety of reasons why as well as multiple factors.  One of those factors are my mental health problems.  No, it's nothing serious, but let's say a certain family member unit makes it difficult to prioritize properly, sometimes making it downright difficult or impossible for me to say no.  Her other son, the sibling unit to me, makes similar demands without leaving me much choice.  Hence why I don't talk to the motherfucker period.

But here's the problem with the existing parental unit.  She'll ask me a question, like say "Do you want me to take you to [some doctor appointment]?" And while my first reaction is to say "No", especially since she and her dog are pretty much attached at the hip, she'll say something like "I think it's important to have someone with you at your appointment(s)!" Which, makes sense.  Right?  WRONG!  The only way that makes sense is when she can actually be in the exam room with me versus having to babysit her pooch because the pooch overrules everyone's priorities.

Another problem with the existing parental unit is when I'm asked to help her with going to one of her appointments, say to her therapist, right?  So, I take extra special care to be available for that, and the next thing I know is that the appointment was canceled, and I could've just stayed home.  Except that in just a few days like today and yesterday (September 13th & 12th respectively) where I knew I would need someone to take me home, and be with the parental unit for at least 24 hours. 

Instead of just this one night, I've spent the last 3 days with her, and she goes right into what she does best.  Go right into bitch mode.  If I had a girlfriend/wife who was able to help with these issues of having a procedure where I'd need to have not only a ride home, but to have someone stay with me for 24 hrs, I wouldn't need to be with the parental unit.  Oh, sure, we get a lot done, but that's not the point.

I have a good setup, albeit in a messy apartment, at home, and it sucks to have to do this shit!  And my mother's guestroom bed is terrible.  I've been waking up with terribly bad back & hip problems (well, worse than usual), and I don't always have a limitless supply of my medications to be spending several days someplace. Much less do I like spending several days away from home not able to practice my piano lessons like I want to do.

I mean, I'm grateful for the help my mother provides, but sometimes I don't think she understands why I prefer being at my own place.  It's important for me to feel like I can have an independent lifestyle apart from her own, but every time she says some shit like "Well, why can't you just add me whenever you make a calendar entry for your school & doctor appointments?"  I always wish I could say back to her "Because then that'd defeat the purpose of me living my own life now, wouldn't it?  Like I'd have to check in with you first to see if it's "mom approved" or some shit!"

Then there are other problems.  I don't want to make any undue accusations, but sometimes I feel like my time, such as it is, isn't as important to some people as it is to me!  Like my neighbors, while I enjoy having a nice time with them, I can't always participate because... drum roll please.... I have school assignments to do.  But it doesn't matter anyway, because it seems no one, not even mom respects that.  Like my going to school is TOTALLY optional to her, and to others, and that doing my class assignments are also by extension an optional thing.

I'd set up a schedule for EVERYONE to see, i.e. friends, family members & relatives, neighbors, etc, but then who'd respect me enough to abide by it?  Would I have to make too many exceptions?  How many would be too many exceptions?  On what grounds could an exception be considered okay?  And let me take that one step further, to what extent can I say "No thanks" before I'm supposed to feel guilty over it?

And let me touch on that last part a little.  There are friends in the Denver metro area whom I would like/love to hang out with, but sometimes that involves me being open to driving somewhere to meet some of them.  Which I wouldn't mind except that I take some medications that would make it dangerous for me to drive at all. 

On top of that, my vehicle, my 2000 Chevrolet Blazer 4x4 (code name "Ruby") isn't in the best shape.  She runs well, but she needs work that I can't afford, and even less so if problems become too severe.  So I drive Ruby as little as possible.  I forego going out, I forego going anywhere other than to my numerous doctor appointments including the maternal parent unit, and I often play dog-sitter to Mojo without any kind of meaningful compensation other than "I'll buy you something to eat/drink from McDonald's!"

Even if I wanted to go out anywhere, I have little to no choice but to keep my ass at home, and if I am not feeling too sick, I can do some of my work and/or rest as much as possible.

But it seems I'm not supposed to be doing any of that, much less go to my appointments according to some.  This shit, this abuse, must stop from all sides.  I'm a fucking part blind man who has his limits, and I'm fast becoming annoyed that I even have to write this much to get my point across!

Another carrot-dangling situation

I'm glad that my mother came back from her trip to California with only the minor experience of going to an ER for a severe bacterial infection plus some kidney problems.  However, she decided to talk to me about her possibly moving back to California after her lease is up this next year. 

While I'd ❤ to be back in my home state someday, this is not the first time she (or another family member) has dangled that proverbial carrot in front of me.  In fact, between her, my late dad, and the older sibling unit (who shall remain nameless) have ALL teased about that prospect.  And while I admit the temptation is there, I cannot ignore that I'd be leaving behind the connections I've built in Colorado.

The problem is that they've dangled this particular "carrot" in front of me so many times that I've grown to simply ignore it, and let them have their little tickle in their heads to move and then watch it fizzle out as quickly as it came.

Of course I want to go home someday.  Live out my life in my home state, especially in a house with tons of music equipment & maybe a couple of other rooms for entertainment & possibly some extra rooms for possible guests.  I said "possible guests".  But as the great song by "The Who" says, "We won't get fooled again!"  I think that very much applies here.

Plus, I am getting ready to go back to school @ Arapahoe Community College, I just won my financial aid appeals, and have plans to attend at least through this next year in 2020.  I want to finish what I set out to do in 2013, albeit with a different goal now that I've accepted I will never work a regular job, or a job concerning computer tech systems, again.  I mean, the pay would be fucking extraordinary, but the stress is just not worth it. 

Though I have to admit that being near the ocean again, going to the beaches, & having NO SNOW (for the most part) in the winter are very enticing qualities.  And I'm sure I'd be far more active having less time trapped indoors for any number of reasons.

The 30th anniversary of my moving out of California will be coming up in 2022.  Particularly June 20th, 2022.  Maybe then, it'll be time to consider that I go home once & for all.  Just not now.  Not when I have so much going for me here in Colorado.