The Era of Trumpism Will Fall... someday!

I want it stated for the record that 1) I've been anti-Trump before it was cool, also 2) I don't support many of the policies that Trump has put into place especially the ones that are inherently divisive, & some of which I've called as "Crimes against humanity" when his regime/administration separated illegal immigrant children from their families at the border.  Regardless of their legal status & residency, it is NEVER okay to take children away from parents.  Ever! 

Finally, some Trumpsters & Trump loyalists would say "You've never given him a chance!  You need to give him a chance!".... uh, no!  No, I don't need to do jack shit.  Trump's heart is not one of love, of compassion, or even mildly good.  The moment he mocked a disabled American journalist is when he lost any & all respect from me, personally.  Not that he'd care, anyway, but that one moment is what made me lose any respect I had for Trump.  And there wasn't much left to begin with.  His supporters say, "But he does it to everyone he knows!"  That just makes Trump look like a bigger asshole than before.  "But that didn't really happen!" Some Trumpsters would say.  In response, I did witness it on LIVE broadcast television.  This was not a "reality"-based series, this was a moment captured on live TV broadcast, totally unedited & unscripted.  I know what it is that I saw with my one good eye.  Hard to miss shit like that when it occurs. 

Even the more recent live broadcast of when Jim Acosta was being cut short (because Trump didn't like the question), while a Trump intern tried taking away the microphone, & Trump then banning Acosta from the WH press corps, all happened in real-time.  Not scripted like Trumpsters & Trump loyalists would have us believe otherwise.  All of this, and much more, are mere examples of the trend of Trumpism.  It seems to be a defining characteristic that if someone, say Trump himself, had done something awful, he has defenders & sympathizers who say it didn't really happen.  Then, they'll say "Maybe it did happen, but it's not a big deal!", then onward to "Maybe it's a big deal, but it's not illegal!", and finally, "Maybe it's illegal, but it's not wrong!"

When the fuck does being a sexist, racist, xenophobic, bigoted prick become "wrong"?  Where is the line drawn when Trump goes "too low" for comfort?  He's on record saying he could shoot someone in public, & he wouldn't lose any votes.  So, he could attempt murder, and what?  His supporters (Trumpsters & Trump loyalists) don't mind a murderous president?  That.... is awful.  That's also highly unorthodox, and also quite frightening knowing that both Trump & his supporters don't mind killing people who may or may not disagree with them on any one subject.

That's a criminal mindset.  It's also the hallmark of a dictatorship in the making.  Or as I like to call the Trump regime/administration, a "dictatorship-in-training" by Trump's dictatorship mentor Vladmir Putin, President of the Russian government.  All of that is the reason I resist Trumpism as much as I can.  I'm always anti-Trump & anti-Trumpism, but lately it's been getting tiresome.  No, I don't think I'll ever sink to the lows of Trumpism, but it seems like unless I post daily about being anti-Trump, people tend not to listen.  Trumpism among Trumpsters & Trump loyalists would want us to quit, because "resistance is futile", but I'm here to stay & reaffirm that "Resistance is NOT futile" when it comes to resisting Trump's actions, policies, political affiliations & operations, etc.

But....

When will we see an end to the Era Of Trumpism? I don't think it will ever be truly iradicated completely from mindsets of the right & alt-right. Especially when many Trumpsters & Trump Loyalists have future generations, and are teaching their younglings the fundamental principles of hate, of racism, of bigotry, of xenophobia while making it seem like it's all right with their Jesus & their God. Which, in of itself, is a very scary thought. It feels like we've been abandoning reason, logic, & especially compassion for our fellow American citizens, our fellow human beings, but most importantly we tend to forget a basic rule. "Do unto others how you want to be treated!" Sounds simple enough, until you get to Trump!

The Trump Crime Family aka the Trump KKKlan, as well as the entire Trump Regime (aka Trump administration) & the GOP entirely are a reminder that there are some people who wouldn't know kindness even if it bit them in the ass like a damn German shepherd canine, or a shark. Unless you're their constituents, and you've sworn a loyalty oath of fealty to his Majesty Donald Trump & the Trump dynasty. But that's only the scratch of the surface to a much larger problem.

Granted, Republikkkans, including Trumpsters & Trump Loyalists, have been at this racist, bigoted mindset for years, even decades! Now, though, we're starting to see some Democrats & Anti-Trumpism folks being just as bad, if not worse, than the Republikkkans involved in the expansion of Trumpism.  It's beginning to feel like NO ONE is safe from being scrutinized by the public.  Even people who truly have the best interests of ALL Americans everywhere are not necessarily the people we would want in our homes on a personal level.

But truth be told, anybody is better than Trump.  Especially when he has repeatedly shown the people his true colors.  Mocking disabled Americans, demeaning to women, constantly claiming not to be racist yet exclaims like Hell that we're being flooded with Mexican illegal immigrants & that they're the reason he wants a Wall at our southern border, & constantly lies on a pace unparalleled by any of his predecessors.  He seems to have the mindset that he can do no wrong (the same mindset is within his supporter base, the Trumpsters & Trump loyalists), can break any law he wishes, & usurp our country's Constitution at every turn. 

Which is why this fight against Trumpism has been the most mentally exhausting thing to have to do as a United States citizen.  Of course, I've never liked Trump, & there are very few Republicans ("Republikkkans") that I could say I have faith in, save one at the moment.  Robert Mueller III is among the small number of Republican men whom I'd like to see succeed in bringing down the biggest case of high-profile treason involving collusion with a foreign government, in this instance Russia & president Putin, & bring to justice one Donald Trump & his entire Trump crime syndicate including his adult children.

Especially Jared Kushner for having illegal contacts with Russian agents whose goals were to install their choice of person for OUR country's government, especially the highest elected office, the President of the United States.  Trump claims it's all a witch hunt, but in the next breath, wants to see Hillary Clinton investigated (yet again), "...because her emails!"  This is not a real winner.  This is what we call a "sore winner", borderline dictator who wants to jail his critics, his current & potential future political opponents, his business rivals, & of course anyone who might have any disagreements with his policies which are what I'd consider highly unConstitutional. 

Trump's illegitimate presidency is a reminder that we need to hold our elected representatives to a higher standard.  To hold them accountable, & make sure they're ALL aware that they're NOT ABOVE THE LAW!  Which Trump claims to cherish, until the law is eyeballing him & his co-conspirators in their mission to commit treason, which is a serious crime, & a complete violation of Trump's oath of office.  Lying while under that oath should be an impeachable offense all its own.  It WAS an impeachable offense back in the late 1990's when the Republican-led Congress at the time drafted Articles of Impeachment against President Bill Clinton for lying about his sex affair with Monica Lewinsky.  For LYING about his sexual relationship with Monica Lewinsky.  Let that sink in for a moment.  He lied about it, & was impeached but NOT convicted of any serious crime (except he did get censured by the Senate). Trump has lied about many things including about his own ties to Russia, to Putin, but denies it even when evidence to the contrary is being collected to use against the Traitor-in-Chief himself.

Yet, if you ask Senator "Kentucky Fried Chickenshit" Mitch McConnell, he would probably say some bullshit like how it's un-American to not be loyal to a president.  That it's "un-patriotic" to be anti-Trump.  Which is absolutely absurd.  My loyalties are, like many other Americans, with the United States, & not with a specific elected representative, i.e. the president.  My duties are to country, not a president.  That SHOULD be McConnell's priority, not submitting to Trump's every whim like he's a king. 

Let me reiterate something that NEEDS to be said:  Trump IS NOT A KING!  Nor should he be, ever!  He's on record as saying there should be a president for life.  The 22nd amendment is pretty clear on this.  A person can only be elected twice to president.  The amendment was ratified shortly after FDR's terms.  We got very lucky with him as our country's president during the Great Depression & WW2 (World War II).  It is because of the inherent dangers in having a "President for life" such as having someone LIKE TRUMP be in office that shouldn't be there to begin with.

It goes without saying that these last few years have been a roller coaster ride for those of us in The Resistance (to Trumpism), having the up's and downs of watching this regime (administration) attempt to undo the last 50 yrs of progressive policies toward making America even greater than before.  Trump would have us believe he's going to "Make America Great Again" (MAGA), which to him & his "Trumpsters" & "Trump Loyalists" means going back to pre-"Civil Rights" era, pre-"It's illegal & discouraged to be sexists!", pre-"We can't have racism rule our country!", & pre-"globalism" (because being an isolationist country in the early years of the 20th century worked so well for Americans until our complacency got us sucked into World War I).

When Trump announced he wants a wall, wants to abolish NAFTA & re-negotiate a "New NAFTA", & continually is very specific on how he wants these things done, I wonder to myself, as should ALL Americans, "What is Trump looking to gain?"  He is certainly NOT "Making America Great Again" when the things he's attempting to do are, in some way, benefitting both himself & his Trump KKKlan.  Which is why I believe this Border Wall idea of his is a scam.  He wants taxpayers to foot the bill (even after he said during his campaign that Mexico would pay for it), and I have to wonder if he's got someone, some companies in mind for the Wall construction effort.  Companies that may end up giving Trump billions. 

Which begs an even greater, more important question to the table: How much does Trump owe Putin?  Is there both a monetary value as well as "something else" that's owed?  Nobody, not one president before Trump has ever publicly kissed the ass of Russia (metaphorically-speaking).  It is a borderline submission disorder, catering to Putin's whims like Trump is merely Putin's puppet, or his "puppy" that will bark when Putin says "Speak!" Or Trump jumps when Putin snaps his fingers. 

Between the two of them, plus Kim Jong Un in N. Korea, I'm terrified that these men will undoubtedly spark WW3 (World War III), & if anyone is alive afterwards, they'll blame anyone else they can.  Because taking personal responsibility seems like a foreign concept to Trump & co.

But this whole thing with resisting Trump & resisting Trumpism has been awfully tiresome.  Right now, I'd be happy as a clam if a single living Republican Senator and/or House representative spoke out in opposition to Trump & his policies.  Just one.  Unfortunately, they're all complicit.  They are not even bothering to hide it.  Yet, whatever they've done publicly that is worse than the day before, they'll spin it & claim Democrats/liberals are exactly what they (GOP) themselves are guilty of, and it doesn't matter that almost all of it is untrue.  They're all hoping their constituency is uninterested in researching anything they claim. 

The goal of Republicans are to make sure if they're guilty of something, blame the opposite side entirely.  Their ulterior motive is to make sure their constituents aren't as informed as their counterparts in Congress, because an informed constituent never votes for a racist, xenophobic, bigoted, "white nationalist" into office.  The only reason some Republicans are still in office is because some of their constituents aren't interested in researching facts, especially "alternative facts", to check their validity. 

A complacent voter is a Republican voter.  Never be complacent.

That said, I'm tired of trying to keep up with Trump & his brand of bullshit Trumpism.  It's not that I don't care, but rather I'm tired of trying to get others to see what I'm seeing, through the eyes of a blind man (myself), & making their own decisions on who to put their faith into.  Simply put, I don't put faith into people anymore.  Especially if they're a member of the most racist political party ever in the history of political parties.  Save ONE Republican who is the Special Counsel to investigate the "Trump-Russia Collusion & Treason" scandal.  I hope that man succeeds in bringing down a corrupt Trump regime, & that we see Trump escorted from the White House in handcuffs, preferably with Trump himself kicking & screaming all the way across the White House front lawn.

A blind man can dream, can he not?  If it were up to Trump & Trump's KKKlan, he'd outright ban having thoughts and dreams about his abrupt end in politics.  Thank goodness that, for the moment, Trump is NOT above the law, and not above Congress as a co-equal branch of our country's Constitutional government.

Can't vs. won't

I like how on my patient portal, my doctor writes "patient refuses to change diet".  Even after I explained how I have severe food restrictions.  One of which is that I've got food and that it's not a matter of "won't change", as much as it is "CAN'T change" my food intake.  I can make small adjustments, but not anything significant.

If it had been my regular primary care doctor, he would've known about my food problems, & wouldn't have made it an issue as he knows my medical history inside and out.  This lady doesn't seem to understand that distinction of "can't" vs. "won't".  I *can't* eat certain foods or else I get violently sick.  Even [certain individual] doesn't quite get this hard fact.

After having tried multiple times to eat "normal", I gave up since every time I tried had the same result.  I get violently sick.  It's not something I want to do every day, getting violently sick repeatedly in the name of "eating healthy".  I won't put my body through any unnecessary stress due to dietary restrictions. 

If you will not ask then you do not know!

When people make stupid ass assumptions about others, especially when they don't ask about something they're curious about, I can't help but wonder if that person is well, an idiot.  I don't enjoy it when others whisper behind my back, or snicker, or decide that I haven't the need for something.  Or the means.  It irks me!  Why does it irk me?  When someone reads something I've posted, then decides to make their own conclusions about what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, and more importantly how I'm doing it, then it becomes an issue that's not an issue at all, especially if those same people making their own conclusions don't ask a simple question, "How?"

Example.

A few weeks ago, I posted on my family FB account expressing an interest in an Xbox One or PS4 game that happens to teach players how to play guitar.  How well it works is not the question.  Later on, actually this last week, I get scolded by my mother (while I'm physically a fucking adult, this is her mind at work) that I should be careful what I post on MY page.

The problem is this:  I can't be held liable for what somebody in my family doesn't understand.  Say, like, how I got said game, or whether I had the actual money to buy it.  Or even, how I came to find it in the first place, or rather how I know about it.  My mother claims, as though I care, that she believed it looked as though I said I had bought the game outright, and in her mind this represents that I have money or have disposable cash to pay back a certain family member, despite my attempts at wording things very carefully.  Below is a screen shot of that post.  If anyone can tell me how a family member, according to mom, could infer, without asking me how I got it or how I came across it, how I had it in my possession, or even for how long.  My response could have been, "I got it from the library!", but no!  According to mom, anyone can make a stupid ass assumption, but don't actually know shit!

I don't know why anytime my mother says shit like this, I get irked!  It's like a fucking time bomb in my head (metaphorically speaking) that blows up like tonight when the thought occurred.  Specifically the thought, "Why am I responsible for what others don't understand, never ask about, or inquire why I'm interested!  It's not as though people talk to me much anymore!"

*SIGH*

I hate it when she does stupid shit like that to me, and all in the attempt to limit what I post, as though I give a fuck what someone in my family thinks they know about me.  It's not like we speak to each other on a regular basis, or even infrequently.  Not unless "His Majesty" has a problem with his fucking computer, and honestly, I don't even know why I help him.  Maybe because I think he might return the favor someday, or maybe because I'm just a good family member.  Or maybe, because of how awful & terrible they treated me in the past, I know how much of a narcissist they are, and that that won't remember it anyway.  

Still, mom irks me.  To death, I might add.  Why the fuck I listen to her anymore, I don't know.

~JRK 2018

What would you do if you won some money?

From the desk of Jeffrey R. Kuntzelman 2018

Caption: Fill in the blank: "If I won the lottery, one of the first things I would do is ______!"

Though I've posted before what I would do with any large or sizable winnings from any lotto or Powerball game, I will reiterate once more for posterity.

So, here it goes:

Phase One:

First, I assume that the amount of mu winnings will be at least in the 3-digit number followed by six zeros (0's), or higher.

Also, assuming the IRS will take their arbitrary 49 or 50% (probably 60% depending on if they-who-shall-not-be-named has their way), the remainder of it would be spent in various ways.

The first 25% of my remaining winnings will go to a charity or charities that deal with, and help in all ways possible, the men, women, and/or children who have been afflicted with either blindness or a vision impairment in one or both eyes like yours truly. 

I feel it should be my first charitable act to make sure someone who has such problems like myself be helped or at least be given some preference in areas where someone with such impairments may be overlooked due to one of a variety of reasons.

Phase Two:

The second 25% of my remaining winnings will be given to various other organizations with a highly positive reputable history of being "non-profit".  This means at least for every dollar given, I want that organization to use 70 to 90% of each dollar to help those in crisis or in emergency need of assistance.  Things such as blankets, clean clothing, a place to stay where their basic needs such as bathing, hygienic needs, as well as personal care are met.  Example: Being given an electric blanket to use at a decent motel or other emergency shelter where a power outlet can be used for that blanket for the men, women, children, etc may use them especially during the winter months.

There should never be an excuse to withhold such things, using the claim "it's not essential" is a cop-out in my opinion.  You want to help?  You do it right. 

Another 20% to be donated to research organizations for various vision impairment, disease, & mental health issues.  Again, I want the organizations doing research to be totally independent & nonprofit.  Meaning AT LEAST 80% of every dollar donated is spent actually researching effective cures, treatments, surgery techniques, and creative solutions on those health & mental health problems that are ravaging our nation, our world.  There should be no reason someone should have to suffer because it isn't "profitable" for some "Big Pharmaceutical" or "Big Insurance" to ration out their services & products because they can commit legal extortion of the medical & health insurance policyholders, i.e. the average person who WILL need healthcare at some point in their lives.  I don't care how healthy someone is, life happens, and it can suck even more when insurance screws you over, plus big pharma is using you as their proverbial Guinea pig.

Phase Three:

The remaining 30 percent of my remaining winnings will be split up into two.  15% should be enough to clear up most of my medical bills, clean up my credit history, maybe even be able to put together a sizable down payment on a decent house.  Nothing big, just a single story 5 bed, 2.5 bath, maybe with a basement for a music room.  Nothing fancy.

And maybe enough left over for a brand new, self-driving capable vehicle for the days when I don't want to drive, but want to get out to enjoy the day for a while.  Or when the weather is not so great, and I don't want to stay cooped up indoors with nothing to do but either watch a bunch of movies, play a few games, or watch a bunch of TV.  Alone.  With virtually no one with me to share those nights with when I could use someone to talk to.

That's how I would do it.  And yes, I did put some thought into this.  Depending on how much is left between all of that, I would very much like to set up a trust fund for my late cousin's two beautiful daughters, Morgan & Bailey.  Something like when they reach the age of 35, and have successfully NOT had children of their own before then, then they would be eligible for the trust fund to be released to them.  After that, I wish them the best of luck in their future lives.  If they want to have babies or adopt, or whatever, that would be their business.  What I don't want is for them to believe, in error, that having a bunch of babies is how they can get a bunch of attention for a little while, until their kids get to certain age where the attention fades.  I want to see them become strong, independently successful young women first.  Regardless of how they achieve that success. 

But yeah, that's how I would do it.  And each time I think about this, I think to myself how much I'm trying to NOT focus on myself. 

My mother, when I got some money as the result of working on a survey focus group online, said something that kind of irked me at the time, and when asked, I couldn't explain why the money I was spending for myself wasn't being donated.

After thinking about it in-depth, here would be my response to her if I could relive that moment:

"Mom, the reason I spend this money on me is because earned it through doing work for something that I was being asked to do that cut into my free time.  Like a job.  And what little extra I get as the result of that "work", I should be able to indulge on me for a little bit.  

Every now and then, when I've had even a full extra dollar or two to spare, I was always giving it to those Ronald McDonald Children's charities boxes at the McDonald's restaurants.  And the occasional text donation to the Red Cross, despite their reputation for only spending pennies on the dollar to provide emergency assistance & resources for displaced disaster victims.

Now, on the other hand, if I had WON that money as a prize due to Powerball or a Lotto winnings, that's different.  That's money that everyday people from nearly every walk of life has bought into on the chance they can win it big.  Or let's say I won money on a game show like the ones you tell me I should audition for.  Winning a large amount of money is different than to earn it.  In that regard, I should share my winnings with the people who need it more than myself.  People who sometimes need more than just a sympathetic pat on the back, and an empathetic "I'm sorry about the situation you're in, but we don't have the money to help."  I don't want to hear that again from people who truly have a crisis, or are in need of something that can really make an impact on their lives, maybe even their health. 

My contribution of a $100, or even $500, is only a drop in the bucket if I just give it away to just any organization that claims to be "nonprofit".  If I'm going to do that with money I earned, and I learn that only anywhere between 10 to 30% of every dollar donated is the limit of the nonprofit charity's "generosity" in helping their beneficiaries versus the people who are overseeing the operations that get a bigger cut of that dollar makes it hard to want to donate my earned money.  It would feel as though I wasted what I thought was a kind gesture, but turns out to be virtually useless in a sense.

However, when winning money, the first mistake of any selfish person is to fulfill their every indulgence.  Buy things that they can never afford otherwise, loan money to family, or maybe take a bunch of trips & vacations feeling they've "earned" them from winning their money.

When I win a large sum of money, be it $10M, $20M, or even $100M, I want it to be going to people who deserve it more than I do.  Sure, it'd be nice to indulge in some fun things, but then I'd feel like I should be doing something productive with my winnings.  Something that benefits others in a way that I never could by donating $50-$200. 

That's how I think about it, anyway.  Make my stroke of good fortune be for everyone's benefit instead of for my own personal benefit exclusively."

Sorry for the long rant, but that's how I would do it.

So, what do you think?  I know some people are asked daily to donate their hard earned money, in some cases, their extra earned money, to donate it & their given the "Giving is the gift of its own reward when you open your hearts (and your wallets) to those in need!" applauded speech, which sounds great, but if every dollar counts on a low-income budget, giving even $5 to an organization that only uses about 20 cents on the dollar to actually help someone, and only if they meet "criteria", and the criterion is based solely on how well they'll be getting a "return on investment" or ROI, that $5 would have been better spent being given to a homeless man on a street corner who just wants a good, hot meal for the night.

That's how I look at it.  Thoughts?  Comments?  Compliments?  Jokes (in good taste)?  Different ideas?  What would you do when you come into a large sum of unexpected cash that was the result of a lottery or Powerball, or maybe winning in Las Vegas, NV, Reno, NV, Atlantic City, or any other place where gambling money pays out winnings, when they winner is a photogenic one for their commercial advertisements.

The dreaded "C Word"!

We all know that some words you just don't use.  You don't say them, regardless of how angry you are, or how much someone deserves it.

I'm not going to spell out those words, because we all know what words they are, and that we know for certain never to use them in public, or at least no where outside our homes.  Needless to say, I can tolerate a lot of things.  I can handle cursing, swearing, cussing, profanities, obscenities, etc.  I can even handle off-color jokes regardless of who say it.  Hell, I keep a copy of Chris Rock's "Rollin' With The New", and it's damned funny!

I can handle a lot of shit, a lot of vulgarity, and a lot of fucked up shit.  I've watched all things Seth MacFarlane & his sis Rachael MacFarlane.  Everything from Family Guy, to American Dad!, the Cleveland Show, A Million Ways To Die In The West, Ted & Ted 2, the Family Guy Star Wars spoofs, his dvd "Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy", plus his Family Guy album laced with A LOT of really raunchy stuff.

That all being said, there are words that just shouldn't be allowed to be uttered in civilized society.  I'm all for free speech, but maybe there ought to be some limitations.  Hate speech that provokes or incites violence including violent crime should be without question a "No-no!"

The N word is a HUGE "No-no" for folks of any kind.  It shouldn't be used by caucasians, & if African Americans want white folks to stop using it, maybe we should start by setting the example by, oh I don't know, NOT USING IT IN ANY CAPACITY!

The same goes for the dreaded "C word".  Just so we're clear, the word is one that describes a woman's body part in a vulgar way, almost making it sound like it has filthy connotations.  It's a word I choose never to use, not even when in the heat of anger, or even as a joke.  It's just so not appropriate for anyone, anywhere to use.  And even worse is when women use it on other women.

Because I have a high respect for women in my life, I won't ever use the C word ever no matter how angry I am with a woman, or even if she deserves it!  I have a very well mannered level of respect for women, epecially those in my life such as my mother, my late cousin & her surviving two beautiful daughters, my other female cousins, female friends, teachers & instructors including one in particular (Mrs. Liebengood) from my 6th Grade school year @ College Park Elementary School in Costa Mesa, California (under the Newport-Mesa Unifed School District), and during that same time period another young Hispanic lady who helped me cope with the bullying & my other life problems at the time.  Without any of those women in my life, I may not be here today. 

But that's not the only reason I hate, despise, abhor, detest, highly dislike, have a high distaste for, and above all think is inappropriate on all levels to use the C word!  I have a personal experience with the word, and how I came to realize what it meant, and also why since a certain incident that I'll never ever forget, I'll never use it, and I hate it when people use the word either as an insult or as a joke, or both.

First, some background.  If you haven't realized it yet, my full name is Jeffrey R. Kuntzelman.  Before we go any further, I want to empathize the fact that the C word being inappropriate has a lot to do with my given family name.  To set the tone for the following recollection of true events told from my perspective, we need to take a trip to Colorado Springs, Colorado in 1993.

I don't remember exactly when this incident happened, but it was right before my immediate family members & myself (my mother, my father, & my older brother) were going to move out of Colorado.  In my mind, we were heading back to Southern California, and then I had it in my mind to reconnect with that young Hispanic lady friend, because I really needed a good friend at that time, and writing to her just wasn't doing it for me.

But that's a story for another time.  The incident about my learning the C word, and how it related to my family surname is what's important here.  Off and on, my mom & dad would help out my dad's family, i.e. his brothers (my uncles), his dad (my grandfather), etc.  The fact that much of the people we lived with & lived near all had (to some extent) a mutual last name, Kuntzelman.  Here's where things get ugly.

I don't know the details, who did what, or who slept with who.  At the time, me being 14yrs old, I couldn't give a fuck less about any of that.  I was aware of some animosity between two of my dad's brothers involving ONE aunt, who at the time still shared our family name by marriage.

One afternoon, after getting home from my day at Sabin Junior High School (now "Sabin Middle School"), I was about to be scolded for a bad report card (I had been failing some of my classes, but I later passed barely, but again it's a tale for another time), when my dad wanted to check the message machine.  Remember, kids!  We didn't always have built-in voicemail for our home telephone service from our telephone service providers.  We had to use automatic recording devices with audio cassette tapes.  It was a real struggle in those days, especially if someone inadvertently erased messages.

Bottom line, one of my dad's side uncles (We'll call him "Robert") decided in his infinite stupid wisdom to leave one of the nastiest voice messages I'd ever hear in my life.  Something about the ONE aunt who seemed to be sleeping with both of my (late) dad's brothers, between "Robert" & "Ron". 

(Again, I refuse to say the C word, much less spell it out, but WILL blank out the necessary letters!)

"And you can tell that fucking c*** to fuck off!  That fucking c*** is nothing but a fucking cheater, and that "Robert" guy is a c*** too for sleeping with that c***!"

Soon after, we left Colorado Springs, Colorado hoping to leave behind Robert & Ron along with that one aunt whom we'll call "Josie" to work their white trash shit out.

At the time, I had no idea what my vulgar uncle meant at the time calling both aunt Josie & the other uncle a c***.  I thought he was just using part of our given family name as a shortened version.  It wasn't until I got into Bonanza High School in Las Vegas, NV to realize what that uncle really meant.  And immediately, I was disgusted, dismayed, and above all ashamed of my uncles using such filthy vulgar language.

From then on, and ever since, I have refused to use this word, the C word, ever.  I don't care how mad I am, or how funny the joke would be with it, I won't ever use it.  And the people who do use it in my presence is ear splittingly bad.  Nails on a chalkboard would be better than listening to some asshat, assclown, or some dumbass use it as a joke punchline or as an insult. 

I've even ended a long time friendship with a certain friend from high school since he couldn't stop using it even after I've repeatedly asked him to not use the C word to describe his ex-girlfriends, or his ex-wife.  Or using it on any woman at all.

So, when Samantha Bee on Full Frontal w/ Samantha Bee used it, I was disgusted.  Normally, she is fun, funny, entertaining, etc.  But the moment she used that word, she lost some of my respect.

It's bad enough that I've had to fight with companies like AOL, Microsoft (Hotmail / Windows Live), and even Comcast/Xfinity who have at some point or another told me that my family name, my legal surname, is a dirty word because of the 1sf four letters "K-U-N-T".  It was even worse for my female cousins who shared our family name.  They've had to use their mother's maiden names to get by in school.

So, when someone says the "C word" is no big deal, it is for me.  It should've been for certain family relatives back in 1993.  It should ALWAYS be a big deal to NOT use that word in the presence of children of any age.

A dream among many

So, tonight, since about midnight, I was playing a video game on my PS4 console system.  I was enjoying myself for the most part, but I felt really... alone.  Sure, I have a friend who plays the game as well, but I never like to bother him, because he's playing a different faction, for one.  I figure he's doing his own thing, so why should I bother him for quests or missions for my own benefit?  The answer is, I don't.  And two, it's not at all that I am against sharing loot on enemies killed, but I have honestly no idea what might be within my level of interest or his.

Then I started to think, "You know what would make playing video games even better?  It would be nice to work, and then earn my time playing the video games in question."  You know?  Doing a job, getting paid, and being able to pay bills, and then have some money left over to indulge in said games."

Maybe I need to stay in school, if nothing else to feel like I earned my time to play my video games.  Mom says I should consider something with graphic art design with video games, but I'm not an artist.  My art creations are awful, at best.  Add to that, I've heard a lot of horror stories about game testers, designers, etc being crammed to finish a product by a deadline.  The last thing I need is to be given a stressful work environment.

But then I thought, "What could I do?"  I mean, I love music, but I'm not creative there, either.  I want music to be a hobby, and not a job.  And just like game design, there are deadlines that make the job stressful.

I think if I could spend my time writing, and getting paid for it, that might be a better use of my time.  I love to write.  As long as it's a topic I find interesting.  Just don't ask me to present it.  I feel like I don't have a knack for presentation, but I know that not many careers exist where writing doesn't have its own deadlines and stressors. 

Maybe there are no careers fit me comfortably.  Maybe that's the point.  When we all get a job for the first time, it's always going out of our comfort zone.

I'm just so tired of feeling cooped up in this apartment, having only doctor appointment after doctor appointment routine, and the days where we have absolutely none of that going on, I tend to sleep all day long, because if I get up, my mother will undoubtedly want to go somewhere either for food, or to get "supplies" for the dog that apparently can't wait another day.

Then I started to think about things like my 7pc. drum set that I have on hold.  I thought about once I have paid in full for it, where would I put it?  Storage space would be at least $75-$100 a month.  And as it is with two payday loans outstanding, plus trying to pay dear older brother for the truck issues, I feel like it would be a financial burden unless I had a house.

And that brought up thoughts about even having a house.  My whole thought process when I started going to college was so that one day, I could get off of SSDI, make some decent amount of money for a nice and small house with enough rooms for a game room/entertainment room, a music room, and then my bedroom with a living and dining room area.  Plus a two car garage.

That was my dream when I started, but having persistent migraine headaches, having persistent infections (specifically MRSA), and having outstanding debt just makes the dream of owning a house seem like a fairy tale more than a dream.  And it's not a happy fairy tale ending, because it is certainly fictional.

Living with my mother has brought out the cynic in me.  I've always tried staying hopeful, but lately, there are days when I stay in bed all day long, and my thoughts are "Why should I get out of bed?  What is it that we're going to do that's anywhere near fun, except for mom to go shopping while I babysit her dog while in either a hot car, or a cold car depending on the weather. I've not only become a live-in aide to everything, but I've become dogsitter-in-chief because, *drum roll please*, she has no one else to do it. 

Oh. Every once in a while, she (mom) can coax her part time bf to watch the dog, but that has consequences, especially for the dog.  He gives her table scraps even though mom and I have strongly discouraged this behavior.  We end up with the vet bill while he gets to go home and take care of his own drama.

Me?  I have no one else other than Mom to hang out with, and that's the most fucking depressing thing to realize.  No matter where I go, no matter what I do, there's mom.  Even when I'm in class, she constantly texts me about weather updates, and keeps questioning if I should have scheduled ride.

And that in itself presents problems because she strongly encouraged me to get recertified BEFORE my time was up, and during the test she kept texting and calling me DURING RTD's tests.  So, I was a little perturbed by it, and as a result my criteria for rides are now restricted from dusk to dawn. 

Add to that, I'm almost always a passenger in my own vehicle that I own, and I almost never get to drive unless mom has a serious problem.  And even then, she doesn't trust that I can effectively drive.  And that was BEFORE I had my blind eye removed.  Now I barely drive at all. 

Which brings me back to days when I stay in bed, I think to myself "Why?" And "Where will I be traveling to as a passenger in my own fucking vehicle?"  It's just fucking depressing. 

Which leads me to thinking all of my dreams and hopes have been coming to a grinding halt because of A) medical problems that are persistent, B) an overbearing mother who can't for once let me be independent, and C) I feel as though my soul dies a little every day that I'm not in control of even my own fucking vehicle, or in charge of what's best for me.

This is why there are days when I just say to myself "FUCK IT!  I'm just staying in bed unless I get to go somewhere on my own without mom, without the dog, without being told to do anything." And God forbid I go to a fast food place and the instant I come home to eat, it's "Why didn't you call me and ask what I wanted?"  Of course, this would imply that on any given occasion that I'm out and about, I MUST consider what my mother might want, even though I know that later on she might regret her choices in food.  So, I have to avoid bringing home any food at all, no evidence, no trace that I went and indulged for myself and myself only.  Yes, that would mean I did something selfish.  And maybe because I wanted to save money. 

My point being that I'm never truly alone when I'm out and about driving to where I want to go, because mom is almost always a phone call or text away from saying she needs (wants) something. 

Going back to school has been on mind because of the persistent health problems.  I was told that instead of using up all of my deferments, I could opt for income-driven repayment plan, which would effectively make my payments $0/mo.  But then what happens when I want to resume taking classes?  Will I be able to?  Or will I still have the mom problem?  Where everything I do is completely a choice, which it is, but going to school is what I WANT and NEED if I want a good paying JOB in the future, so it's kind of a HAVE TO kind of thing that she doesn't understand.  Some people go even if their completely sick, and persevere.  A little snow sprinkle, and mom loses her shit over whether I should even go to class at all.

I'm just so sick of this shit, and each day I'm not fulfilling any realistic dreams, a little of me dies a little inside.  And mom does not make it any better.  Quite the opposite, she makes it worse.