It has been suggested

Mom says I really need someone to be with me the remainder of this month or until I'm in physical therapy, whichever should come first.  Mainly to help me get around, get dressed (as that has become a challenge since the surgery), and other things I won't mention here.

I can't say that I disagree with that, but I will say this is exactly the major reason why I want to explore the possibilities of having a girlfriend/wife in my life.  Someone I can trust not only to help me (and let me reciprocate that help when necessary), but also accompany me to doctor appointments, and especially after surgeries or when I must go to the ER.  I have never enjoyed going to those things alone when Mom can't be present for any number of legit reasons.

Plus, let's face it.  My mother (like anyone else's parents) won't be around forever.  And I can't ask my relatives for help since they all see me as the one who has faked his conditions (despite evidence to the contrary), and also envisions me as the "black sheep" of the entire clan.  Mostly because of my political, religious, & social views.  When mom moves out of state, it will be the first time ever that I have lived on my own without someone close by me in the same geographical area.  I will truly be living alone, and it is frightening to some extent.  

To face the prospect of the changes in my life without support is terrifying.  I don't have anymore the mental stamina to combat this.  I'm also lacking physical stamina to face this new challenge by myself.  Somehow, in whatever way, I've begun to feel less confident in my abilities as a single unmarried man.  I'm strong in some areas, but not so much in many more areas than otherwise.  And that's just for starters.

As I said, nobody's parents live forever.  There comes a point in every person's life that they must deal with the death of a parent.  I've already gone through that once with my dad in December of 2003 when he died just 12 days shy of his 49th birthday that would've been on Christmas Day that year.  That alone was tough, and I had to struggle with grief & a lot of worsening depression for many years after he died.  I still have some issues with anxiety disorder & depression relating to his death.  Far more than I'd care to go on about in this blog.

Only until the past few years did I finally stop having depression & anxiety episodes related to our time together as a family, and relating to his very abrupt passing.  When my mother's time comes, and it will inevitably, that will be the hardest on me.

While we haven't always seen eye to eye, no pun intended, I still love her dearly, and I want to see her be happy & healthy, and living her life in happiness.  I'm sure she wants the same for me.  Out of my entire family, she was among the few who believed me when I said I was in extraordinary pain with migraines (that we later found out why).  She took me in when I was facing being homeless in Las Vegas, NV, and through helping her deal with her health & medical struggles, I helped myself grow, and learn how to deal with frustrating situations including my own medical & health problems.

But I know that regardless of when it comes time, hopefully several decades from now, it will be hard.  I love my mom, and while she wasn't perfect, she at least tried to do her best.  However, when she leaves this world, unless I work towards being in an intimate relationship with a woman, I will be having to deal with many of my medical & health challenges alone.  

Sure, there are things, resources such as home healthcare, home personal care, nursing homes (Gawd no!), and many other options, but I won't have family members to count on.  And I refuse to let my brother manage any part of my life whatsoever.  Much less actually be part of my life at all.  I don't want him to have any kind of leverage to put me in a position that would compromise my health including my mental health (which has been the result of his attitudes and behavior towards me when we LAST lived together.  I emphasize the word "last", because it will have been the very last time I live with an abusive family member.  

Though while I want to explore the possibilities of a romantic & intimate relationship with a woman, I have found it difficult to imagine myself being in that sort of relationship.  Like as soon as I try to imagine doing anything with a woman, my mind just shuts down as though it's saying "No!  That's too selfish of you to think you deserve to have a girlfriend/wife of your own!  You're a bad individual for believing you deserve that kind of life!"

I know that none of that is true, but it's probably what my mind has been trained to think.  Honestly, I have felt like this for a long time.  Maybe even prior to high school when I had a major crush on a 6th grade classmate hispanic girl (who will remain nameless for her privacy sake).  Every time I tried to imagine myself with her, I couldn't.  My mind wouldn't let me.  And for argument sake, none of what I try to imagine with any woman then or now has ever been a sexual fantasy.  It's always been trying to imagine doing the little things.  Things such as holding hands, cuddling, having a relaxing drive to someplace calm and quiet, watching TV/movies together, playing video games together, writing together, or playing musical instruments together.  Maybe imagining this fantasy woman teaching me to play the piano, or guitar.  Maybe light kissing, perhaps.  Things that every established couple takes for granted.  Besides, I've never really wanted sex.  I just want companionship.  Someone I can trust when important decisions are at hand, or I can talk to her when I need someone to bounce ideas off of.  Someone who could feel comfortable coming to me for the same reasons.  I want an EQUAL partnership type of relationship.  

But the most important reason I want to be in a relationship with a woman is so that I don't have to face this world alone when my mother leaves this world.  Someone who will take my hand and say "Wanna go around again!?" (referring to my favorite episode of Futurama)

Or taking my hand to say "We can do this together, Jeffrey!"

I want that!  All of that!