Today's anniversary is not a pleasant one

Today marks the 22nd anniversary of the 1st glaucoma related eye surgery in Las Vegas, NV, the first of dozens later, that would inevitably result in nerve damage that triggers my awful migraines.  It nearly cost me my high school graduation, among other things.

I'm trying to look at the bright side.  Like the fact that I'm finally having less pain, less frequent days of pain.  And that I finally have a primary care doctor who not only takes me seriously, but also doesn't dismiss my problems as though I'm either a "pill popping" or "hypochondriac" type of patient.  He takes the time to really listen to me, and genuinely wants to help me get better.  Unlike some physicians in a certain "sin city" place. 😒

Though, the unrelenting pain, and the subsequently frequent time off work & avoiding social gatherings with friends, had cost me dearly.  I've lost some friends, lost good jobs, and of course up until my 2016 enucleation surgery, only ONE person in my family (other than a certain late cousin's two lovely daughters ❤) believed that my migraines and other health & medical conditions were valid and real.  

And that person was certainly NOT the older sibling.

I sometimes am up late at night wondering where the time has gone.  Some old proverb says that "Time flies when you're having fun!"  Who the fuck is this asshole that said this?  Time flies when you're doing anything that preoccupies your mind.  In this case, the last 22 years have NOT been a bucket full of sunshine for me.  It certainly has not been anything that resembles fun!

Oh, I had fun at certain moments, with certain friends, and even at certain places.  But overall, I wish I had much of that time back so that I could make other, more informed choices.  Instead of the ones presented to me, either by certain doctors, certain unhelpful family members, & other people I won't mention here.

I feel like I've been sorely cheated, and yet someone would tell me that I'm still quite young.  Well, relatively speaking, sure.  I'm young compared to an oak tree 🌳 lifespan.  I'm young compared to an Australian turtle [queue "Crush" from "Finding Nemo", one of my favorite animated films from Disney]! 

At 40 years old, with all that's been going wrong with me, I feel much much older.  My back hurts constantly.  Doesn't matter if I'm lying down, standing up, standing or walking for any time longer than 5 or 10 minutes tops, or when I'm trying to sleep.  

My head still hurts from migraine pain occasionally.  It could be fine right up until I go to bed, and the next day I'll wake up feeling like someone took a 2x4 to it all night long.  Mornings 🌄 are becoming the bane of my existence.

I've had recent ankle surgery from having an ankle injury that resulted because I didn't see the pothole in the sidewalk on my way home from a 7-11 store.  Thanks to my vision impairment there.  

I've become extremely dependent on local paratransit & non-emergency transportation services to get to & from doctor, therapists/therapy, & related appointments as well as going shopping when I need to, and going to & from Mom's place.  I'm frustrated at being unable to just get up & go like I used to do with my 2000 Chevy Blazer aka "Ruby".  I miss Ruby!

I miss having fun with friends in Las Vegas, NV!  I miss the ocean breeze & sunsets in Southern California (Orange 🍊 County, specifically).  I miss not having pain.  Or feeling lost.  I miss being able to work, get a good size paycheck, and being able to be proud of my work.  I miss going to class in college.  I miss doing my assignments with enthusiasm and energy.

Sometimes, I feel like my life is just one big failure after another.  And it all started 22 years ago when I underwent the first of many surgical procedures to remedy the problem of high glaucoma pressure.  For about a year and a half, I went through over a dozen surgeries (I lost count at 15 or so).  Back then, the eye doctor in Las Vegas, NV (Dr. Kevin Miller) performed those surgeries while I was sedated, which helped me out since pain & I aren't good pals.  

Nowadays with my current eye surgeon, sedation is rare.  

And I wish the fun ended there.  I'm worried about my eye socket.  Lately, the eyelids are wanting to close almost entirely, and the socket itself continues to shrink.  I'm worried that if my eye doctor can't help fix it soon, we may have to start all over.  She assures me that would be a last resort, but I'm still worried.

I'm back to hating to look into the mirror, even if it's to clean the left eye 👁 socket.  I'm tired of seeing only my good right eye, and an empty almost closed-up left eye socket.  

Do you want to know what my biggest lifelong dream has been?  Other than to be a professionally proficient musician & writer?  I've always wanted to have a functioning actual left eye, complete with the lifelong experience of having vision out of both it & my normal pre-existing good eye. 

I've wished for that almost every night for the past 35-ish years.  For a while, I came close to it with the prosthetic eye cover.  Granted, it couldn't see or anything, but I was able to look in the mirror without feeling... dread!

And I'm back to that dreadful feeling again when I know I have to go look in the mirror for any reason.  I'm tired of that.  I'm also tired of not feeling useful, not feeling needed, and feeling awful when I look into the mirror.  I don't know why I exist, but I'm tired of it being a universe super secret mystery.  

*sigh*

I just want to feel like I have some kind of a life that isn't being wasted on one medical or health problem after another. 😢

Caregivers of a certain heritage & Being Mistreated!

“**FAIR WARNING**

This is a rant post!!

Hi,

I don't always like to make these types of blog entries, but I felt that I should say something about an issue that my homemaking caregiver / personal care worker ran into the last 72 hours. Something that was a little troubling as well as disconcerting to me. I know she didn't think much of it, but I've had some time since she left to think it over myself to come up with a possible explanation on why she was rudely confronted.

Apparently, according to the lady helping me with homemaking services, when she was doing my laundry, she was given a ration of shit about using a washer and/or a dryer within my apartment building. The person, possibly another resident of the building, was giving her a hard time claiming they were there first & had a claim to the facilities even though she had been waiting in the laundry room in my apartment building for quite some time, alone, and waiting to use the facilities in question.  And according to the personal care worker, there were plenty of washers & dryers left for the potential resident to use.

From what I heard from the personal care homemaker services worker, this man or woman was rude to her, and quite abrasive over a goddamn fucking washer/dryer. That was clearly not in use at the time this person walked in & began to mistreat her, and as I understand it the machines in the laundry room are first come, first serve. Nobody has fucking dibs on unused washers and/or dryers that are clearly for all residents to use regardless if being used by the actual resident or their proxy (caregivers).

The homemaking helper and myself agreed initially that this rude person was probably having a bad day or something, but as I thought about it after she left, the woman helping me with my personal care needs is of Asian heritage. Which led me to believe that the person wasn't being simply rude as they were potentially using their prejudices & preconceived notions of Asians having "started" certain diseases & illnesses (which are unfounded claims) to give my hired personal care worker a hard time.

Let it be known that I don't tolerate any bigotry or racism or hatred whatsoever in any way, shape, or form. I don't care much for people using their fears to justify being racists, bigots, or otherwise rude & inconsiderate motherfuckers to people they've not met before, and have only their fears from being fed to them by certain media (*COUGH* FOX NEWS *COUGH*) as well as certain elected representatives in DC like the NIC (nutjob-in-chief) to justify their fearmongering opinions & often their unmitigated hatred of non-Christian and/or non-caucasian (non white people in layman's tongue).

I will not ever tolerate someone being abusive to other human beings who are minorities/ethnicities whom the racist(s) and/or bigoted white folk consider to be seemingly "Un-American" or an "illegal immigrant" of any sort. We're all goddamn human beings. People who give in to fears, hatred, or preconceived beliefs about others because it feels comfortable to be that way are the reason we're in this shitheap of a mess around the world. We need less fearmongering & more understanding. Less intolerance of other human beings, and more acceptance & friendship. Love & tolerance will save us! Not hate. Not bigotry. Definitely NOT fear or fear-mongering. Certainly never a mix of either bigotry, fear, hate, racism, etc.

If I should ever catch someone mistreating ANY ethnic man, woman, and/or child, I will defend that person of any non-caucasian background that is a .minority, and Gawd-willing I will use at my disposal the most important & powerful weapon I have in my arsenal: my knowledge & my wisdom. Of course, I'll also use my blind cane if necessary. I just hope I never have to! Violence is never the answer, and only to be used as a very last resort.

That is not a threat. That is a fact as well as a promise!

Do not put me to that test! I don't care how disabled I may be, I will defend my fellow human being if necessary. Hopefully, with love & kindness long before resorting to any action that could lead to a confrontation. I'd much prefer to avoid that whenever possible.

And before you ask, I'll notify police before I take any defensive act. Let this be a warning to the bigots & racists out there. It'll be your only warning from yours truly!

Sincerely,

~Jeffrey

aka "Admiral Blind Man" 2020”

My JRK dream home!

I would love to have my own house.  Specifically, I'd like to have a house built with specifications that had me in mind when the designs were being laid out, and had my lifestyle in mind when construction began.  For my own amusement, I will offer some highlights of what would be & should be in the custom designed house.

First, I would like to have lights everywhere that either are Alexa or Google Home enabled, or have proximity sensors for when I enter any given area.  Whether it's a hallway, a bathroom, a bedroom, a kitchen, etc.  If done by proximity sensors, then the area should light up (when appropriate) as I enter the room or the hallway.  But especially having lights automatically turn on when I go into the bathroom.  An extra helpful feature for bathroom lighting would be if the lights in it would GRADUALLY turn up in intensity from a low setting so as not to make me totally blind temporarily, and slowly goes to a higher lighting level each minute I am in the bathroom until I leave the bathroom or until it reaches full intensity.  Whichever comes first.

In the living room, and the master bedroom, I would want 75" HDTV's built-in to the walls with a kick ass sound system in each that can be remotely controlled with either a remote or voice activation through Alexa or Google Home.

My kitchen?  Fully automated with voice control with Alexa, Google Home, or even Bixby (Samsung phones) controlled.  Especially having both a microwave and a Keurig coffee maker to be activated by voice control.  The lighting would also be activated by proximity sensors as appropriate when daylight is low or when the room itself has low light.

Only ONE room needs to be special.  A music room.  The kind of music room that has my guitar, my keyboard piano, & three drum sets all surrounded by sound-proofed walls.  Two of the drum sets are left hand oriented (both an acoustic and also electronic drum set), while one remains right hand oriented (an acoustic drum set).  As well as other music equipment that could dwarf the shit out of any "garage band" set up.  I mean, this music room in my custom made dream home would make garage band look like pissant shit in comparison.

An entertainment / video gaming room.  One in which has the latest video game consoles including VR tech for two or more players with a 65" 4k HDTV (probably not 3D, since that never works with my vision).  One side of the room has all electronics, while the other side, divided by a soundproof wall, is filled with tons of fiction & nonfiction books, manuals, & any miscellaneous types of written paper.  

My living room would have a 45" HDTV, nothing fancy, having built-in Roku, accessing any number of streaming choices, music, etc.  A comfortable couch for guests to kick back on, a couple of comfy chairs on the sides with a modest sized coffee table in the center.  Fireplace optional, but highly desired.  A small size refrigerator next to the living room TV for guests only to have drinks from.  Maybe a couple of snacks in there as well.

We come to the master bedroom.  This will be where I rest, possibly with a future Mrs. "Admiral Blind Man", on a Queen size bed fit for a king!  A small 32" HDTV, with a basic sound system installed to give it a rich sound, but nothing fancy.  A small desk on one side of the room, along with some shelves for knickknacks, a few books, etc.  Basically, i want this room to be where I can find peace & solitude when I need it. 

At least ONE extra bedroom for guests who would like to stay a night or two.  With it's own refrigerator, stocked up by the guests themselves.  A small full size bed, maybe a shelf or two, a small closet, and a basic set of replenishable toiletries both men & women in case I happen to have men & women guests.  Though, I can't imagine who'd ever want to come visit me for a night or two.  Don't get me wrong, that'd be nice.  I just don't see it happening. 

Front yard is small, with desert landscaping.  A garage big enough to be both a car port and a storage.  I would like both an attic and a basement for additional storage space.  A small desert landscaped back yard, possibly with a small water fountain that is voice controlled with Alexa or Google Home.

For the front door, a doorbell that records video and I get a live feed on any device for security purposes.  An alarm system that is an independent version in which calls police and/or fire rescue if shit goes sideways with a burglary and/or robbery attempt.

I would also enjoy a room in which I can showcase my weapons.  My swords and knives, and should I purchase firearms in the future, those too!  Hey, I may be a blind man, but I can still see well out of my good eye to shoot guns (as I've done before)!

I think that just about does it for my JRK Dream Home.  Hope you enjoyed reading this one! 

It has been suggested

Mom says I really need someone to be with me the remainder of this month or until I'm in physical therapy, whichever should come first.  Mainly to help me get around, get dressed (as that has become a challenge since the surgery), and other things I won't mention here.

I can't say that I disagree with that, but I will say this is exactly the major reason why I want to explore the possibilities of having a girlfriend/wife in my life.  Someone I can trust not only to help me (and let me reciprocate that help when necessary), but also accompany me to doctor appointments, and especially after surgeries or when I must go to the ER.  I have never enjoyed going to those things alone when Mom can't be present for any number of legit reasons.

Plus, let's face it.  My mother (like anyone else's parents) won't be around forever.  And I can't ask my relatives for help since they all see me as the one who has faked his conditions (despite evidence to the contrary), and also envisions me as the "black sheep" of the entire clan.  Mostly because of my political, religious, & social views.  When mom moves out of state, it will be the first time ever that I have lived on my own without someone close by me in the same geographical area.  I will truly be living alone, and it is frightening to some extent.  

To face the prospect of the changes in my life without support is terrifying.  I don't have anymore the mental stamina to combat this.  I'm also lacking physical stamina to face this new challenge by myself.  Somehow, in whatever way, I've begun to feel less confident in my abilities as a single unmarried man.  I'm strong in some areas, but not so much in many more areas than otherwise.  And that's just for starters.

As I said, nobody's parents live forever.  There comes a point in every person's life that they must deal with the death of a parent.  I've already gone through that once with my dad in December of 2003 when he died just 12 days shy of his 49th birthday that would've been on Christmas Day that year.  That alone was tough, and I had to struggle with grief & a lot of worsening depression for many years after he died.  I still have some issues with anxiety disorder & depression relating to his death.  Far more than I'd care to go on about in this blog.

Only until the past few years did I finally stop having depression & anxiety episodes related to our time together as a family, and relating to his very abrupt passing.  When my mother's time comes, and it will inevitably, that will be the hardest on me.

While we haven't always seen eye to eye, no pun intended, I still love her dearly, and I want to see her be happy & healthy, and living her life in happiness.  I'm sure she wants the same for me.  Out of my entire family, she was among the few who believed me when I said I was in extraordinary pain with migraines (that we later found out why).  She took me in when I was facing being homeless in Las Vegas, NV, and through helping her deal with her health & medical struggles, I helped myself grow, and learn how to deal with frustrating situations including my own medical & health problems.

But I know that regardless of when it comes time, hopefully several decades from now, it will be hard.  I love my mom, and while she wasn't perfect, she at least tried to do her best.  However, when she leaves this world, unless I work towards being in an intimate relationship with a woman, I will be having to deal with many of my medical & health challenges alone.  

Sure, there are things, resources such as home healthcare, home personal care, nursing homes (Gawd no!), and many other options, but I won't have family members to count on.  And I refuse to let my brother manage any part of my life whatsoever.  Much less actually be part of my life at all.  I don't want him to have any kind of leverage to put me in a position that would compromise my health including my mental health (which has been the result of his attitudes and behavior towards me when we LAST lived together.  I emphasize the word "last", because it will have been the very last time I live with an abusive family member.  

Though while I want to explore the possibilities of a romantic & intimate relationship with a woman, I have found it difficult to imagine myself being in that sort of relationship.  Like as soon as I try to imagine doing anything with a woman, my mind just shuts down as though it's saying "No!  That's too selfish of you to think you deserve to have a girlfriend/wife of your own!  You're a bad individual for believing you deserve that kind of life!"

I know that none of that is true, but it's probably what my mind has been trained to think.  Honestly, I have felt like this for a long time.  Maybe even prior to high school when I had a major crush on a 6th grade classmate hispanic girl (who will remain nameless for her privacy sake).  Every time I tried to imagine myself with her, I couldn't.  My mind wouldn't let me.  And for argument sake, none of what I try to imagine with any woman then or now has ever been a sexual fantasy.  It's always been trying to imagine doing the little things.  Things such as holding hands, cuddling, having a relaxing drive to someplace calm and quiet, watching TV/movies together, playing video games together, writing together, or playing musical instruments together.  Maybe imagining this fantasy woman teaching me to play the piano, or guitar.  Maybe light kissing, perhaps.  Things that every established couple takes for granted.  Besides, I've never really wanted sex.  I just want companionship.  Someone I can trust when important decisions are at hand, or I can talk to her when I need someone to bounce ideas off of.  Someone who could feel comfortable coming to me for the same reasons.  I want an EQUAL partnership type of relationship.  

But the most important reason I want to be in a relationship with a woman is so that I don't have to face this world alone when my mother leaves this world.  Someone who will take my hand and say "Wanna go around again!?" (referring to my favorite episode of Futurama)

Or taking my hand to say "We can do this together, Jeffrey!"

I want that!  All of that!

My mood swings from yesterday!

I wanted to also say that yes, I was feeling down this time yesterday.  I awoke in a lot of pain, as well as feeling sick to my stomach.  However, when I got in the mail my new Starfleet admiralty bars in the mail yesterday afternoon, I felt instantly better!  

The bars on the left were the smaller ones, not curved, and were on my uniform shirt collar.  The ones on the right were, as you can see, bigger, and curved for a collar/neck area.  

When I wanted to see how they'd look on my uniform, I felt the desire to have some pictures taken.  So I had asked my friend from just a few doors down from my apartment to help me with the pictures, & I felt instantly better while wearing that uniform.  Like I was born to wear it!  She kept remarking to me how handsome I looked in that uniform!

But I digress!

So, yeah, I have mood swings.  This is part of my mental health problems with bipolar disorder 2.  I admit that openly not to gain sympathy/empathy from friends.  Only acceptance that I have to deal with it, & have dealt with it for some time.  That my depression, anxiety, etc are all part of a lifelong struggle for me, and while there's no official cure, my treatment is wearing the Star Trek outfit when I can, despite having a belly that I struggle with as well, and it doesn't help my mental health any.  I would love to be back down to 165lbs, but ideally, I would settle for 180lbs.  

Because my diet can't hardly change, I must find the energy, while in chronic pain, to get into exercise, but I'm always just too tired, unmotivated, & again... pain!  Plus, I don't know where to start, or even how to start making it a habit again!  All I know is that I 1) don't want to end up like my late father (in more ways than on), & 2) I want to live with better health, feeling better (physically & emotionally), & finally having the kind of companionship that, for whatever reason, I'm unable to imagine for myself.  It may be part of my depression & other mental health problems, i.e. the bipolar disorder II.  

So, if friends want to unfriend me for that, I bid you farewell, & I hope you find what you're looking for in life.  Because I'm still looking for my own lifelong happiness.

Aladdin (the 1992 animated film)

(Image courtesy Frontier TV, of https://tv.frontier.com/details/FHPK1514907081046357/)

Mom wanted to (politely) argue tonight that we saw this movie when it was freshly new in the movie theaters in 1992 in Las Vegas, NV!  I counterargued that we didn't move to Vegas until 1993, since we were in Colorado Springs, CO at the time in 1992 when this wonderful movie was released to theaters.

Besides, I had a HUGE crush on a young woman I had gone to school with at College Park Elementary school during my final year of grade school in 6th grade in Costa Mesa, California at the time (circa Sept 1991 - June 1992) whose name was the same as the main female character.  That's why I can remember vividly where we were, and more importantly who I was with when I saw this film.  And no, it was NOT (unfortunately for me) the young lady in question.  I wish she had been the person I went to see this film with. I wish that had been the case for a variety of reasons. Especially when the person I saw this with my older brother.  Not exactly the best movie partner to hang out with.

I remember visiting the young woman once when she lived in Costa Mesa in 1994, and to no one's surprise, she had a SHIT TON of Aladdin-themed little knickknacks on her dresser that span across an entire wall.  I also remember asking her "So did you like that movie!?"  And again, to nobody's surprise, she nodded excitedly saying "Yes!"

I would've given both of my dad's, and my older brother's, testicles to be able to live in California again, and to maybe have the opportunity to go out with that young woman after she had helped me get through a very difficult time in my life during that school year.  I know the possibility of becoming even remotely in a romantic relationship with her was so incredibly small, I still would have liked to explore that remote possibility.  Though, I guess I'll never know, will I?

I kick myself often in the ass for letting my family members (the mom, the abusive/alcoholic/drug addict dad, the older brother unit) influence me into making dumb decisions so that they can have their petty lots in their lives.  Was it the right choice?  Some might argue "Yes, absolutely!  You had no right to be any bit selfish, even if you were just developing those feelings!", but I say "You didn't know how narcissist my dad & older brother were!"  But let's face it, the reason why was just not worth the years of abuse & assault I suffered, both at home & at school.

To me, she had done more than keeping me on an even keel.  She had been capable of being that way for others besides me.  That was what really got me to have such a crush on her.  I mean, yeah, she was (and I am fairly sure she still is in my mind) awesomely beautiful, but not just on the outside either.  She had a most wonderful personality, and when I witnessed her consoling a younger student at the same school, a little girl, I felt she was the spark of humanity I had been waiting to see for a long time up until that point in my life.

Because she helped others the same that she did for me is what I liked especially about her.  It wouldn't have mattered to me whether she was rich or poor, or somewhere in between.  What mattered to me is what I saw both in her eyes, and in her heart.  And that will forever be what is in my memories of that brief time.