Reaching out to people is hard!

I have always a touch of anxiety when I want to reach out to people like friends and family.  It's been a lifelong chronic problem for me ever since I was very little.  I'd say it's easily among my top 5 personality problems.  My main frustration is that I don't want to bother anybody with my problems in my life, because that's just it.  They're MY problems.  And there are other reasons why anybody with any amount of depression, PTSD, anxiety, or have a history of having been abused in any way why there's such an avoidance of reaching out, even if we know it could help.

This article here goes over some of the main reasons why reaching out is hard.  My main frustration is that I just don't want to be "that guy" who's always complaining, or that my complaints are to that person that I reached out to seemingly never-ending.  Besides, I often feel like regardless of whether or not I have negative news to share, or even any positive moments in my life are largely ignored.  Even by some family members.

Ergo, I don't like to share my personal problems with anybody unless they ask, and even if a friend or family member does ask, I will often mask it with "Oh, I'm okay." Or something similar.  It doesn't help that, in the past, I have reached out to people, and it didn't turn out well for me.  So, I eventually learned to just deal with my frustrations & problems privately.  

Over the past decade, I've been reluctant to go meet new friends, or even reconnect with old friends.  I've made lots of mistakes with some of my old friends that I don't wish to be seen as the "problem friend".  Because of that, I retreat to being home nearly 24/7, I don't go out much anymore (and this was true even before COVID-19/Coronavirus pandemic issues became an existential problem for our world), and a lot of that was due to being unable to afford going to meet friends for any reason.  

Yet I long for the day when I can be more outgoing, connecting with new friends, reconnecting with old friends, and having a better support system for myself.  Maybe even developing a close relationship with a woman who could eventually become a future "Mrs. Jeffrey R. Kuntzelman".  But all of that is dependent on being able to reach out to people, and being the one to initiate the conversation.  Of which I have yet to master that part.  

When someone asks me for a topic to talk about, I'm befuddled because I don't know if what I'm interested in is anything at all what they would be interested in.  For example, I'm a huge nerd.  I've loved things like science & science fiction since I was in my single digit childhood years.  I'm also a computer tech, an amateur musician, an unpublished writer, and I enjoy watching lots of movies and TV.  The downside is that I have nobody to share with them all of my experiences, my dreams, and my goals.

At this point, I'm certain that I'm going to be alone for a long time.  And my health problems aren't helping that feeling one bit.  I truly wish I had a better support system, and perhaps a woman companion.  A relationship with her that could become something more later on.  But like I said earlier, I have such a hard time reaching out to people, even the ones who say things such as "If you need to talk, I'm here".

Even if I know for sure there wouldn't be an issue, I still have huge hesitations about connecting with someone just to talk or to help take my mind off of whatever is bothering me.

Inappropriate to Generalize

The above image is a screenshot of something I came across on Twitter, and it's something I feel needs to be addressed in a rational, reasonable, and logical way.  Unfortunately, the reason that women often say this type of unhealthy generalization is often unspecific and misguided, but that is why we must address it!  Are there men who are complete asshats?  Sure.  Hell, some of us guys have or at least have known a few men who fit the description.  We all know who they are, especially women everywhere.  Could be a boss, a buddy, a womanizing uncle, a misogynist grandfather, or a male friend who thinks that an appropriate way to get a first date is to punch a girl/woman in the nose.  I fail to see with my only good eye how that last one would ever work, and even if that one was a remark of jest, it's still inappropriate to say the least.  The bottom line is this:  it's beyond true that "not all men" exist as assholes.

First off, it's never appropriate to make broad generalizations on any one group of people, much less having such remarks towards an entire gender.  There is a lot of precedent on why this matters.  A lot of history that has been written that has been documented about giving any one group or even a particular individual such a broad stroke of generalizing.  In the United States in particular, we have such a checkered past with making a lot of unsubstantiated generalized claims about people.  In fact, if we didn't have so much generalizing, we might actually learn to co-exist more cooperatively and peacefully, but here we are.  In the 21st century, no less, and we still haven't learned from our history.  Such an example is of some of my fellow countrymen & countrywomen saying some dumb bullshit like "All Muslims are terrorists!"  See what I did?  I used a qualifier of "some" rather than "all" to be less general in my statement about my fellow citizens, and then used those less-general citizens as my example of them saying something stupid like "All [name a group of people] are [something bad]!"  This has got to stop!  Especially when we have a culture that seems to thrive on being combative, or even intentionally hurtful when it comes to any one particular group, no matter how much or how little of it is actually the truth.  We've even had some violent encounters from some of our fellow human beings because of someone generalizing anybody that wasn't "in" with the popular opinion.  

The second is this: When we don't use specific examples, those who do feel hurt by the generalizations are often being ignored, or mistaken for something else entirely.  It's when somebody feels the need to generalize a group of people that often hurts an innocent person who doesn't deserve it, especially if the conjecture is meant to include anyone who is even remotely fitting the description.  It's exactly the kind of thing that makes even the most caring person seem like a bully.  In my ever so humble opinion, being a bully is wrong, no matter how one justifies it!  And no matter their reasons.  

This article here goes on about why women who use such general statements who are perpetuating the idea that "all men are jerks" are not helpful.  The author touches on toxic masculinity, and goes on to say that men already have it rough with that type of thing.  Growing up, if you are of the male side of humanity, you got called a sissy for having enjoyed playing with girls.  If a boy/man held hands with a girl/woman or kissed one, hugged one, or anything else that wasn't part of the male sexual conquest, then those of us on the male side would have been called a pussy, or something far worse because we decided at an early age that being an asshole wasn't what we wanted to be like around girls/women.

For instance, my father was a bit sexist as well as abusive.  He'd often say to my brother and I, "Life's a bitch, and then you marry one!"  Or something like "all women are goofy!" often referring to our mother, and often after he had been abusive to both her and to both my brother and myself.  In fact, I don't ever recall getting "the talk" from my late dad about male sexuality with regards to behavior towards women, and about how to be an appropriately behaved man in a relationship, but seeing and hearing and experiencing his abusive side, I swore at a young age that I would never treat women that way, no matter how angry I was for any reason.

Then there was my mother who would also say things like "men are pigs!" Or "All men are assholes!", and this would refer to my late father, but at the time when I was much younger, I didn't know that was what she meant, and yes it did hurt me emotionally.  Whether she intended to or otherwise, it made me feel like I was guilty just because I was a male.  That no matter what I do, because I was a boy (now a full grown man) I was always going to be this terrible person for being 1) my [late] father's son, and 2) a man.  Even if I had never mistreated a girl/woman, I was guilty of such things just for being those two characteristics.

She would also say things like "You're just like your father!", and she meant it as an insult rather than a compliment.  This I picked up right away, believing that I did indeed inherit his behavior.  That just being my father's son meant I was an asshole too, even when I hadn't understood what she meant at the time.  This was her being emotionally abusive, which coupled with my late father's physical abuse was just as bad.

Growing up in our home, there had been a lot of abusive behavior, language, insults, and etc that went on during my childhood that I can't repeat here out of fear of being bullied (again) even as a 41year old man.  Things that my late father, my mother, and my brother had all said aloud to me that harmed my social development.  However, it was the sociological aspects of the abuse, i.e. "all men are [something bad]" or "all women are [something bad]" that made me want to turn away from having meaningful relationships with anybody.  I believed that because my mom and my dad had both said such shit that it must be true, so I decided that a relationship would not be possible for me.

I'm sure that I am not the only guy who grew up in this type of environment.  I am probably not alone in thinking that because I was told that I was just as bad as my dad that I was undeserving of a loving relationship with anyone, especially women.  And to this day, I've never been out on an actual date, much less kissed a girl/woman, and nor have I had any sexual relationship.  All because I felt I was doing everybody a favor by not perpetuating my dad's bloodline.  Sure, my family name may live on elsewhere, but not through myself or my brother as far as I know.

The conclusion is simple.  When we use generalizations, it hurts innocent people regardless of how we may have intended it.  Let's be honest with each other.  In the aforementioned article, the author goes even further saying how we don't celebrate being nice to one another.  In fact, we tend to celebrate being vindictive, petty, or even hurtful often without realizing how much we've hurt someone in the process.  We have body-shamers, victim-shamers, woman-bashers, men-bashers, virgin-shamers, and sex-shamers.  Even "nice guy/gal"-shamers as well!  And with both men & women, we have these types of shamers everywhere.  We all know them at some point in our lives.  They could be a family member or a loved one outside of the immediate family, a friend, a co-worker, a colleague, a schoolmate, a classmate, staff members at a school, members of a company's leadership, a politician, anybody that feels the need to put people down for any reason, and it doesn't need to be a good reason.  And even if it is a good reason, it's STILL never okay to be abusive indiscriminately.  Even with the best of intentions, we could be hurting someone who doesn't deserve it unintendedly.  

So, yeah, saying "all men" or "all women" is hurtful, especially to those who don't deserve it.  I see some women like to comment with "Where are all the nice guys at!?", but that's just it.  Us "nice guys" are too fearful to pursue any relationship out of being unjustly branded as being part of "all men", even though we're already lumped into that all-inclusive generalization or have been shamed by other men for not being part of that "all-men" listing.

And yes, we don't fucking deserve it one bit!  I swore I would never, EVER, be like my late father.  Especially after witnessing him being abusive to my mother, I swore that should I be lucky enough to have a woman in my life as more than a friend, in a loving relationship with her, that I would never lay a hand on her, and that I would do my best to be there for her in ways my late dad just couldn't be.  But what I don't do is tolerate being lumped in with the "all men" comments when I've never even been in any meaningful relationships.  Want the "nice guys", ladies?  Try being nice to those of us "nice guys" who don't deserve such accusatory comments.  

But if men like me keeping hearing and/or reading the "all men" comments, then we the "nice guys" will remain hidden.  Because we would rather stay hidden than be told how we're all the same as the men who are something awful even though we've done nothing wrong.  Making assumptions of an entire gender based on the actions of a few is disturbingly wrong and harmful.  A friend of mine liked saying "all women are just a bunch of bitches!", and I couldn't tell if he was just joking, or if he actually meant it.  I'm guessing he meant it because he had bad experiences with girls/women too, but when he said shit like that, it was like nails on a chalkboard for me.  As it should be for any halfway decent man out there.  

Let's try a different approach.  Let's try being more specific, and use less generalization in our words.  Just spitballing, but maybe we need to try listening to each other rather than make assumptions!  Especially when there's been no effort to get to know specific individuals.  Maybe we ought to start doing more of that!

JRK Personal Log on the Insurrection attempt at the Capitol building in DC on January 6th 2021

USAF Vet shot during violent protest/insurrection attempt at the Capitol Building that later had died!

She may have been a Trumper / Trumpster / Trumpist / Trumpublican / Trump loyalist, but still this is sad that because of Trump & his Trumpublican allies in the GOP, her family (husband and children) are now without a wife and mother.  And I'm fairly certain that Donald J. FUCKING Trump doesn't give two shits or a fuck about anyone who has been hurt or killed, arrested, etc.  This should be the wake-up call that Republicans (both in public office and the civilian populations across the United States) have needed since day one of Trump's "presidency".  Or at least, that's what many of us with a conscience have wanted.  Many of us on the left had long suspected something like this might occur during Trump's questionable "leadership" during his time as president, but what we could not predict was whether an incident like this would make some people realize the errors of their ways.

We, the 81MILLION Biden voters, thought that something like this incident MIGHT be the turning point, or at least I personally hope it will be.  If this doesn't fundamentally change the GOP in short order in terms of their ideology, nothing will. 

For the record, I am aware of Mitt Rodney's statements, Loeffler's statements during the Senate's reconvening session, as well as others among the Republican & Democrat former presidents, former Trump advisers & aides, etc who have denounced, and condemned, the violent confrontational insurrection attempt at the Capitol building on Wednesday. 

Unless real sweeping reforms are made, until those who "stormed the castle" as it were are all facing felony charges including sedition and/or treason including his Orangeness Donald Trump, and until Donald Trump is charged with Crimes Against Humanity along with insurrection and treason against the United States, I doubt this will be the last time we see an incident like the assault on the Capitol building Wednesday afternoon happen to this country.  In truth, Congress needs to nip this shit in the bud, and do it NOW!  Not after Biden is sworn in.  Not after Trump, by law, is ordered to leave the White House!! No!  He needs to be removed NOW!  Pence along with the cabinet members must invoke the 25th Amendment, or Congress must impeach Donald Trump again, & this time the Senate must vote to convict him as well.

WHEN Congress does this, Trump will have the DISHONOR of being the 1st president to have been impeached twice, and within his one and only term.  That, in itself, should be way fucking disturbing, albeit a necessity after the events of the Capitol building assault unfolded on Wednesday January 6th, 2021!

Trump is a national disaster, a national disgrace, a national embarrassment, a national fucking tragedy, a national security threat, a national threat to democracy & freedom, and a major insurrectionist, seditionist, traitor, & overall scumbag who has not only violated his Oath of Office multiple times, but has actively committed treason with the hope of securing his power for an indefinite time.  He must be brought to justice, be held accountable, charged with multiple counts, including the willful death of one of his supporters, reckless endangerment, incitement to riot and violence, endangering public duly elected representatives in both houses of Congress, and much more.

The sad part is this: I don't believe the Republicans in the House of Representatives nor the United States Senate will change their positions.  Nearly all of them have basically sworn an allegiance to his Royal Orange Majesty, the Orange-In-Chief, the Orange 🍊 Shitstain 💩, the sack of Orange shit, Emperor Orange 🍊, etc.

No, the Trumpublican GOP party has nearly all bowed their knees in allegiance to their Orange King of the GOP.  And they'll gladly do it again if they can be so easily brainwashed by any sovereign foreign adversaries.  If our elected representatives can be so easily manipulated by either someone like Trump, or by some foreign adversary during an overseas trip, then we ought to figure out a way to defend against itself.

The bottom line is this: Trump emboldened his supporters by spewing nonsensical conspiracy theories, fabricating "alternative facts", and tried to orchestrate a fabricated reality in which up was down, left was right, day was night, telling people something was black when you knew damn well it was white, and used his platforms on social media to give his supporters a voice for their hate, their bigotry beliefs, their xenophobic behaviors, homophobic attitudes, racist behaviors, religious beliefs that were laced with hateful shit, and much more.

There's no room in my heart for forgiveness when talking about Trump & Trumpism.  He has damaged the country I grew up to love.  He has damaged our democracy.  And while it's true that Wednesday's incident could have ended much worse, even ONE LIFE being taken is one too many in book!  Her death is on Trump!  Her blood is on his (tiny) hands!!  Her blood is also on the hands of the Republicans who still believe Donald Trump's victory was stolen from his Orangeness 

Until all of them are brought to proper justice, and not "vigilante" types of justice, there will be another "Trump" down the road, willing to destroy the very fabric of our United States, or at least will try to tear it apart with their reckless disregard for their supporters, for Americans all over, and will disregard human life altogether.

And I'm afraid it will also be within my lifetime.  

JRK's Personal Log Earth Date 10-24-2020

Honestly, it's extremely hard for me to reach out to people (metaphorically speaking).  It's also equally hard for me to engage in socialization w/ friends.  For whatever reason, I find it hard to take that first step in sending a text message, or placing a phone call, etc.  

My first thought is: "What if they're busy?", and then "I don't want to call or text if I'm just gonna want to complain about my problems, because everybody's got problems.  And mine are inconsequential!"

But I'd give both of my older brother's testicles to be able to overcome those fears.  To be able to just call people up, just to talk, and maybe along the way get some good advice.  Or, maybe even get the help I need to reach my goals in my life.

Basically, I wish I could have a good support system of friends that, if they're in a position to do so, would help me through certain hurdles that I'm dealing with.  Whether it's trying to lose weight, trying to finish any given project like straightening up my apartment, or just to hang out and talk about whatever the problems are that we're currently processing, it would just be nice to not be so alone otherwise.

But getting through that first step of reaching out to people is, I think, the hardest thing to do.  It's also the most scary, and most uncomfortable part of trying to reconnect with friends, especially during a pandemic that has people unsettled, at best.

Even before the pandemic hit, I found it difficult to want to reach out to friends knowing that 1) I'm unemployed, 2) I have no spouse, 3) as a result of #2, I have no children/grandchildren (nor do I want either), and 4) I don't have anything to do outside my home for me to talk about to anyone.  Life at 41 hasn't been the kind of life I imagined it to be, and I'm certainly not enjoying it.  

Though, as I work with my therapist on how to overcome these things, especially with reaching out to friends, I still have a hard time knowing when to call, if at all.  Or if I'm better off not being a nuisance to a friend who may otherwise be uninterested in my struggles.  Of course, that's the fear talking, but that's how I've rationalized not making an effort.  

Of course, phone calls & text messages are almost a thing of the past as we have video calling, and that is something I'd love to do with friends now that I have a prosthetic eye, a set of teeth, and am generally presentable.  I just don't know who would be interested in talking to me, anymore.  Again, that's the fear talking.

I'm certainly open to suggestions, at this point.

The things I wish for

There are many things I wish for.  Some of those things are tangible goals, while others are simply impossible due to factors like our level of technology & science at the our current stage of civilization.  

For example, a tangible goal for me would be to lose 30lbs.  Doesn't matter how long it takes me, just as long as I lose weight.  I'm tired of feeling exhausted before I even get out of bed to get anything at all accomplished.  I'm also extremely unsettled by how everything hurts especially upon awakening.  More importantly, I'm tired of not fitting into clothes I once fit into pretty well.  Unfortunately, for me, losing weight is not just an uphill battle, it's a war against a humongous mountain.  Being a picky eater (for multiple reasons including some food allergies & intolerances) doesn't help.  I can't eat fruits or vegetables because they make me violently sick.  Sometimes, it can be the smell, the taste, the sight of the food, or even just the name alone (like a custom prepared dish or meal) is enough for me to start gagging or get sick (vomiting violently).  So, unfortunately, my dietary habits cannot change for any number of legitimate reasons.

Another tangible "wish"/goal is to have good health & happiness.  I feel that losing weight would be a huge step in the right direction, which would make me happier in the long run I suppose.  As for the happiness part, I know I'd feel a lot better about myself if the weight issue was resolved.  Though that isn't the "end all, be all" of my personal pursuit of my happiness.

I've long wanted to have what some might call a "love life".  It would be extremely helpful to have the kind of woman in my life that I could talk to about a number of topics (mostly nerdy stuffs), and do many of the activities with her that, in the past, I've often enjoyed doing alone.  A variety of things like watching my favorite movies & TV with the elusive "Ms. Right",  or playing video games with her, writing stories, or even playing music on either my guitar or piano.  Maybe even have the kind of girlfriend that would teach me to play.

Or perhaps she speaks multiple languages, and offers to help me to learn the language(s) I want by being a "conversational" chat buddy.  Maybe we go for a short walk around the neighborhood or to a nearby park.  

One of the benefits of having an intimate, but non-sexual relationship with that "Ms. Right" would be if I'm not feeling well, and need her to take care of my needs.  Of course, I would do my best in what limited capabilities I possess to help take care of her when she's not feeling too great either.  Another benefit would be when we can motivate each other to get our tasks done together.

The main thing though is having someone I can talk to about anything that either is bothering me, or that I just need someone to listen to me.  It would be great to have the kind of intimate relationship with this "Ms. Right" in which she inquires about me.  What my passions are, what my dreams are, what my goals in life are, and what my ideas are about life, love, & of course being a nerd.

You know what?  I'm just gonna say it.  I want to one day (hopefully soon) fall in love with that elusive "Ms. Right", and I want her to be in love with me too.  I know she's out there, somewhere.

I have other wishes/goals that are equally impossible (for the time being).  For instance, having a real, functional eyeball in my left eye socket.  An eye that I can see out of, and that it's a normal eye that tracks with my good eye in the right eye socket.  Having 👀 two eyes has been a lifelong dream.  While I do have a prosthetic eye cover lens that looks like my good eye, it doesn't track well, and of course I have absolutely no vision whatsoever in that left eye socket, because there isn't any eyeball in there.

I can't begin to describe my frustration as I have to clean out the prosthetic because the eyelids won't close all of the way.  I was told by my ocuplastics eye surgeon that it's just something I'll have to live with, because to get the eyelids to close would require more surgery, and it wouldn't be covered by Medicare because it's considered "cosmetic".  

But to have a normal, functional eyeball in the left eye socket has been my main dream for my entire life.  Ever since I could understand to some degree why I was blind in the original eye (all I saw out of it was a bunch of blurred images), it's been my absolute dream to be able to look in the mirror and see two normal eyes 👀.

Unfortunately, because there's so many intricate parts within the eye itself, and having multiple delicate connections that send signals to our brain to interpret the images we're seeing, our current tech level is severely limited, at best.  There is just too many variables in which a complete eye transplant would be highly dangerous, & the chances of it being a successful surgery would be incredibly low.  I'd say it would be less than a 1% chance of having been successful.

There are other wishes/goals that I have, but for this blog entry, I wanted to share just the few that I needed to express.  I hope someday soon that I can, at the least, share a warm embrace with a "Ms. Right", and also be about 30lbs lighter.

My current life and living situation

I realize that nobody should give anyone here any medical advice or advice on medications, but does anyone have any success stories with Effexor XR?  I feel like all it does is dull my emotions.  It doesn't help me feel better in the least bit.  I still have my bad days, even feeling upset about my current life & living situation, but I've felt so lazy, apathetic, and although I'm a born procrastinator, it's been worse than usual.  

Doing even minor things like making my bed, or attending to my chronic health & medical problems are seemingly a lot of work.  Simple things like cooking or taking a shower require that I work up the motivation to even start.  Even doing my physical therapy exercises are tasks that feel like mountains of effort.

I'm always tired, always having a negative balance of energy (like having a negative balance in a bank account, which ironically has been close to my financial situation as well).  I don't feel like doing even half the projects I would like to complete.  Many of the hobbies and interests I once enjoyed I've stopped doing, including video games (which is a bit unnerving considering I grew up playing video games a lot). 

The only thing I do every day is watch TV & movies, and I only go out for doctor appointments, to go shopping for groceries & supplies, and maybe once in a while taking my trash out to the big dumpster in the garbage room of my apartment building.

I will sometimes take a short walk around where I live, usually only a few minutes around my immediate area.  I don't like going outside very much since I have terrible allergies even with taking things like Zyrtec (generic, name brand, etc), and since I injured my left ankle back in December 2019 after walking home from 7-11 by nearly tripping and nearly falling from a pothole in the sidewalk that I didn't see (it was just after sunset, and I'm blind in my left eye, so I don't always see things very well).  Basically, I didn't account for the pothole, and as I stepped into it, my left ankle kind of rolled.  I was lucky I didn't snap my ankle from the error.  But I did end up having surgery on a torn tendon due to that injury.  

Then several months later, in August on my birthday of all days, I was standing and posing for a picture at the end of the cul-de-sac street that I grew up on in Costa Mesa,  California, and as I went to step off the sidewalk and onto the pavement to get back into my mother's car, I didn't account for how high the sewer drain was, and I fell hard on the ground.  I ended up nearly injuring my other ankle too.  When I got back to Denver, I immediately went to see my ankle doctor's physician assistant, and had X-rays of my right ankle.  She saw no broken bones, but did give me a steroid shot in that ankle.  She said if I still had pain to come back and they'd investigate it a little further.  To date, the steroid shot helped a lot, but that could have been worse as a result of my error in judging the height of the sidewalk from the pavement with the sewer drain.  

So, as a result of those two incidents, plus having multiple other reasons including my allergies, I just don't like going outside anymore.  On top of that, while I do have friends, I don't have the kind of friends who come over to hang out, or come to pick me up for a night out anywhere.  I'm almost always broke, especially by the middle of the month when my regular monthly bills are paid for, and even if that weren't the case, my health & medical problems make it hard for me to have a social life of any kind.  I get terrible migraines, I have a vision impairment due to birth defects & other reasons, and I'm always staking out where the nearest bathrooms are just in case I need to make a B-line for one.  

For what it's worth to anybody, there are some things I wish for in my life that could mean all the difference.  There's a few personal ones I can't share for reasons I cannot explain, at least not here.  But here is the short list. 

I wish for:

• Lots of money - To be specific, I'd like a cool $1million.  I don't think that's greedy.  I just want enough to pay off all of my outstanding debts including my student loans, and then perhaps move on to my other wishes, which are;

• A house & car in Orange County, California.  Preferably in either Santa Ana or Costa Mesa, but someplace that's near where I grew up as a child.  Having that $1Million sure could help in that regard.  Yes, I can legally drive, and I think having a new-ish car that isn't terribly expensive, but has all the bells & whistles that could accommodate a (half) blind man like me would help a lot with me being able to get out of my apartment to go have some activity beyond watching TV & movies all day long.

• To meet "the one", my "Ms. Right", the one I could picture myself being married to, and having shared my experiences with, having adventures with even if our adventures are not always outdoors.  Someone who understands me, and helps me in my life.  

• To feel better, and look better.  I think I'd be happier if I could lose about 20 to 30 pounds.  Right now, I'm sitting at an uncomfortable 205lbs, at 5'5".  I wasn't always like this.  There was a time when I was regularly exercising, and had lots of activity in my life despite having vision problems, migraines, allergies, etc.  I blame a lot my weight gain on my depression, and when I had quit smoking, I had gained a good 20 lbs within a year of my quit date back in 2009.  Unfortunately, because of certain food intolerances & allergies, my diet cannot change.  It's among my highest frustrations being a picky eater unable to change my diet for multiple reasons.  Not unwilling, but unable to!

This brings me to my next wish:

• I want a real, functional, ordinary looking left eyeball!  As I said, I was born with birth defects caused by Congenital Rubella Syndrome.  I won't go into the details, because it's a long story, but suffice it to say I have undergone a great deal of surgical procedures relating to congenital glaucoma, and complications from those procedures, totalling approximately 30+ surgeries on the left eye alone.  I was born blind in that eye at birth.  Up until 2016, all I saw out of that eye was a bunch of blur.  I could see people, lights, colors, but everything was all out of focus because I had cataracts at birth due to Congenital Rubella Syndrome as well.  The doctors at the time took out the lens of the eye, and with it the suspensory ligament that keeps the lens in place.  Years later, medical science had learned that that suspensory ligament should have remained so that a lens implant was possible.  Alas, my eye couldn't have a lens implant, nor ever will as a result of having that enucleation surgery in August of 2016.  I had the left eye removed after spending 16 un-wonderful years of unrelenting migraine pain that I later learned was the result of the eye having atrophy, detached retina, the two Baerveldt implants meant to keep the glaucoma pressure steady were too big for the eye possibly adding to the pain as well as creating scar tissue around the surrounding eye socket tissue, and my personal favorite is that the eye showed signs of chronic & acute hemorrhaging.  All of this was in the pathology report that written after the hospital had ordered such a pathology done on the eye.  And I still deal with migraines, but the level is not anywhere near like it was.  But as a result of those awful 16 years or so, plus the dozens of surgeries on the eye in my lifetime, my doctors & I agree that there was most likely nerve damage.  

So, now I have a prosthesis that has the appearance of my right eye, my good eye, but there is no actual eyeball.  And worse, because of all of the surgical procedures, my eyelids on the left eye won't close all of the way, so I have to clean the left eye prosthesis dozens of times per day.  

There are other things I wish for, but I won't go into what they are as they're far more personal.  I know that wishing for things won't actually make any of them come true, but that doesn't mean I won't at least give it a shot.  

I'm awfully tired of this life, but I have no choice otherwise than to live and just bear with it, and hope for the best.  Between having awful migraines, having gastrointestinal problems from taking pain meds for 20 years, having lower back problems stemming from an old childhood injury, having a vision impairment, & also having emotional problems that I can't really talk with anybody about is beyond upsetting.  I just don't want to hurt anymore.  Not physically, emotionally/mentally/psychologically, etc.  

I just want to have a good supply of energy, no more pain, & no more feeling sick because the pain meds are giving me gastrointestinal issues.  I don't think it's too much to ask that I have a functional left eyeball to see out of, either.  But that's just how I feel about it!