JRK's Personal Log Earth Date 10-24-2020

Honestly, it's extremely hard for me to reach out to people (metaphorically speaking).  It's also equally hard for me to engage in socialization w/ friends.  For whatever reason, I find it hard to take that first step in sending a text message, or placing a phone call, etc.  

My first thought is: "What if they're busy?", and then "I don't want to call or text if I'm just gonna want to complain about my problems, because everybody's got problems.  And mine are inconsequential!"

But I'd give both of my older brother's testicles to be able to overcome those fears.  To be able to just call people up, just to talk, and maybe along the way get some good advice.  Or, maybe even get the help I need to reach my goals in my life.

Basically, I wish I could have a good support system of friends that, if they're in a position to do so, would help me through certain hurdles that I'm dealing with.  Whether it's trying to lose weight, trying to finish any given project like straightening up my apartment, or just to hang out and talk about whatever the problems are that we're currently processing, it would just be nice to not be so alone otherwise.

But getting through that first step of reaching out to people is, I think, the hardest thing to do.  It's also the most scary, and most uncomfortable part of trying to reconnect with friends, especially during a pandemic that has people unsettled, at best.

Even before the pandemic hit, I found it difficult to want to reach out to friends knowing that 1) I'm unemployed, 2) I have no spouse, 3) as a result of #2, I have no children/grandchildren (nor do I want either), and 4) I don't have anything to do outside my home for me to talk about to anyone.  Life at 41 hasn't been the kind of life I imagined it to be, and I'm certainly not enjoying it.  

Though, as I work with my therapist on how to overcome these things, especially with reaching out to friends, I still have a hard time knowing when to call, if at all.  Or if I'm better off not being a nuisance to a friend who may otherwise be uninterested in my struggles.  Of course, that's the fear talking, but that's how I've rationalized not making an effort.  

Of course, phone calls & text messages are almost a thing of the past as we have video calling, and that is something I'd love to do with friends now that I have a prosthetic eye, a set of teeth, and am generally presentable.  I just don't know who would be interested in talking to me, anymore.  Again, that's the fear talking.

I'm certainly open to suggestions, at this point.

The things I wish for

There are many things I wish for.  Some of those things are tangible goals, while others are simply impossible due to factors like our level of technology & science at the our current stage of civilization.  

For example, a tangible goal for me would be to lose 30lbs.  Doesn't matter how long it takes me, just as long as I lose weight.  I'm tired of feeling exhausted before I even get out of bed to get anything at all accomplished.  I'm also extremely unsettled by how everything hurts especially upon awakening.  More importantly, I'm tired of not fitting into clothes I once fit into pretty well.  Unfortunately, for me, losing weight is not just an uphill battle, it's a war against a humongous mountain.  Being a picky eater (for multiple reasons including some food allergies & intolerances) doesn't help.  I can't eat fruits or vegetables because they make me violently sick.  Sometimes, it can be the smell, the taste, the sight of the food, or even just the name alone (like a custom prepared dish or meal) is enough for me to start gagging or get sick (vomiting violently).  So, unfortunately, my dietary habits cannot change for any number of legitimate reasons.

Another tangible "wish"/goal is to have good health & happiness.  I feel that losing weight would be a huge step in the right direction, which would make me happier in the long run I suppose.  As for the happiness part, I know I'd feel a lot better about myself if the weight issue was resolved.  Though that isn't the "end all, be all" of my personal pursuit of my happiness.

I've long wanted to have what some might call a "love life".  It would be extremely helpful to have the kind of woman in my life that I could talk to about a number of topics (mostly nerdy stuffs), and do many of the activities with her that, in the past, I've often enjoyed doing alone.  A variety of things like watching my favorite movies & TV with the elusive "Ms. Right",  or playing video games with her, writing stories, or even playing music on either my guitar or piano.  Maybe even have the kind of girlfriend that would teach me to play.

Or perhaps she speaks multiple languages, and offers to help me to learn the language(s) I want by being a "conversational" chat buddy.  Maybe we go for a short walk around the neighborhood or to a nearby park.  

One of the benefits of having an intimate, but non-sexual relationship with that "Ms. Right" would be if I'm not feeling well, and need her to take care of my needs.  Of course, I would do my best in what limited capabilities I possess to help take care of her when she's not feeling too great either.  Another benefit would be when we can motivate each other to get our tasks done together.

The main thing though is having someone I can talk to about anything that either is bothering me, or that I just need someone to listen to me.  It would be great to have the kind of intimate relationship with this "Ms. Right" in which she inquires about me.  What my passions are, what my dreams are, what my goals in life are, and what my ideas are about life, love, & of course being a nerd.

You know what?  I'm just gonna say it.  I want to one day (hopefully soon) fall in love with that elusive "Ms. Right", and I want her to be in love with me too.  I know she's out there, somewhere.

I have other wishes/goals that are equally impossible (for the time being).  For instance, having a real, functional eyeball in my left eye socket.  An eye that I can see out of, and that it's a normal eye that tracks with my good eye in the right eye socket.  Having 👀 two eyes has been a lifelong dream.  While I do have a prosthetic eye cover lens that looks like my good eye, it doesn't track well, and of course I have absolutely no vision whatsoever in that left eye socket, because there isn't any eyeball in there.

I can't begin to describe my frustration as I have to clean out the prosthetic because the eyelids won't close all of the way.  I was told by my ocuplastics eye surgeon that it's just something I'll have to live with, because to get the eyelids to close would require more surgery, and it wouldn't be covered by Medicare because it's considered "cosmetic".  

But to have a normal, functional eyeball in the left eye socket has been my main dream for my entire life.  Ever since I could understand to some degree why I was blind in the original eye (all I saw out of it was a bunch of blurred images), it's been my absolute dream to be able to look in the mirror and see two normal eyes 👀.

Unfortunately, because there's so many intricate parts within the eye itself, and having multiple delicate connections that send signals to our brain to interpret the images we're seeing, our current tech level is severely limited, at best.  There is just too many variables in which a complete eye transplant would be highly dangerous, & the chances of it being a successful surgery would be incredibly low.  I'd say it would be less than a 1% chance of having been successful.

There are other wishes/goals that I have, but for this blog entry, I wanted to share just the few that I needed to express.  I hope someday soon that I can, at the least, share a warm embrace with a "Ms. Right", and also be about 30lbs lighter.

My current life and living situation

I realize that nobody should give anyone here any medical advice or advice on medications, but does anyone have any success stories with Effexor XR?  I feel like all it does is dull my emotions.  It doesn't help me feel better in the least bit.  I still have my bad days, even feeling upset about my current life & living situation, but I've felt so lazy, apathetic, and although I'm a born procrastinator, it's been worse than usual.  

Doing even minor things like making my bed, or attending to my chronic health & medical problems are seemingly a lot of work.  Simple things like cooking or taking a shower require that I work up the motivation to even start.  Even doing my physical therapy exercises are tasks that feel like mountains of effort.

I'm always tired, always having a negative balance of energy (like having a negative balance in a bank account, which ironically has been close to my financial situation as well).  I don't feel like doing even half the projects I would like to complete.  Many of the hobbies and interests I once enjoyed I've stopped doing, including video games (which is a bit unnerving considering I grew up playing video games a lot). 

The only thing I do every day is watch TV & movies, and I only go out for doctor appointments, to go shopping for groceries & supplies, and maybe once in a while taking my trash out to the big dumpster in the garbage room of my apartment building.

I will sometimes take a short walk around where I live, usually only a few minutes around my immediate area.  I don't like going outside very much since I have terrible allergies even with taking things like Zyrtec (generic, name brand, etc), and since I injured my left ankle back in December 2019 after walking home from 7-11 by nearly tripping and nearly falling from a pothole in the sidewalk that I didn't see (it was just after sunset, and I'm blind in my left eye, so I don't always see things very well).  Basically, I didn't account for the pothole, and as I stepped into it, my left ankle kind of rolled.  I was lucky I didn't snap my ankle from the error.  But I did end up having surgery on a torn tendon due to that injury.  

Then several months later, in August on my birthday of all days, I was standing and posing for a picture at the end of the cul-de-sac street that I grew up on in Costa Mesa,  California, and as I went to step off the sidewalk and onto the pavement to get back into my mother's car, I didn't account for how high the sewer drain was, and I fell hard on the ground.  I ended up nearly injuring my other ankle too.  When I got back to Denver, I immediately went to see my ankle doctor's physician assistant, and had X-rays of my right ankle.  She saw no broken bones, but did give me a steroid shot in that ankle.  She said if I still had pain to come back and they'd investigate it a little further.  To date, the steroid shot helped a lot, but that could have been worse as a result of my error in judging the height of the sidewalk from the pavement with the sewer drain.  

So, as a result of those two incidents, plus having multiple other reasons including my allergies, I just don't like going outside anymore.  On top of that, while I do have friends, I don't have the kind of friends who come over to hang out, or come to pick me up for a night out anywhere.  I'm almost always broke, especially by the middle of the month when my regular monthly bills are paid for, and even if that weren't the case, my health & medical problems make it hard for me to have a social life of any kind.  I get terrible migraines, I have a vision impairment due to birth defects & other reasons, and I'm always staking out where the nearest bathrooms are just in case I need to make a B-line for one.  

For what it's worth to anybody, there are some things I wish for in my life that could mean all the difference.  There's a few personal ones I can't share for reasons I cannot explain, at least not here.  But here is the short list. 

I wish for:

• Lots of money - To be specific, I'd like a cool $1million.  I don't think that's greedy.  I just want enough to pay off all of my outstanding debts including my student loans, and then perhaps move on to my other wishes, which are;

• A house & car in Orange County, California.  Preferably in either Santa Ana or Costa Mesa, but someplace that's near where I grew up as a child.  Having that $1Million sure could help in that regard.  Yes, I can legally drive, and I think having a new-ish car that isn't terribly expensive, but has all the bells & whistles that could accommodate a (half) blind man like me would help a lot with me being able to get out of my apartment to go have some activity beyond watching TV & movies all day long.

• To meet "the one", my "Ms. Right", the one I could picture myself being married to, and having shared my experiences with, having adventures with even if our adventures are not always outdoors.  Someone who understands me, and helps me in my life.  

• To feel better, and look better.  I think I'd be happier if I could lose about 20 to 30 pounds.  Right now, I'm sitting at an uncomfortable 205lbs, at 5'5".  I wasn't always like this.  There was a time when I was regularly exercising, and had lots of activity in my life despite having vision problems, migraines, allergies, etc.  I blame a lot my weight gain on my depression, and when I had quit smoking, I had gained a good 20 lbs within a year of my quit date back in 2009.  Unfortunately, because of certain food intolerances & allergies, my diet cannot change.  It's among my highest frustrations being a picky eater unable to change my diet for multiple reasons.  Not unwilling, but unable to!

This brings me to my next wish:

• I want a real, functional, ordinary looking left eyeball!  As I said, I was born with birth defects caused by Congenital Rubella Syndrome.  I won't go into the details, because it's a long story, but suffice it to say I have undergone a great deal of surgical procedures relating to congenital glaucoma, and complications from those procedures, totalling approximately 30+ surgeries on the left eye alone.  I was born blind in that eye at birth.  Up until 2016, all I saw out of that eye was a bunch of blur.  I could see people, lights, colors, but everything was all out of focus because I had cataracts at birth due to Congenital Rubella Syndrome as well.  The doctors at the time took out the lens of the eye, and with it the suspensory ligament that keeps the lens in place.  Years later, medical science had learned that that suspensory ligament should have remained so that a lens implant was possible.  Alas, my eye couldn't have a lens implant, nor ever will as a result of having that enucleation surgery in August of 2016.  I had the left eye removed after spending 16 un-wonderful years of unrelenting migraine pain that I later learned was the result of the eye having atrophy, detached retina, the two Baerveldt implants meant to keep the glaucoma pressure steady were too big for the eye possibly adding to the pain as well as creating scar tissue around the surrounding eye socket tissue, and my personal favorite is that the eye showed signs of chronic & acute hemorrhaging.  All of this was in the pathology report that written after the hospital had ordered such a pathology done on the eye.  And I still deal with migraines, but the level is not anywhere near like it was.  But as a result of those awful 16 years or so, plus the dozens of surgeries on the eye in my lifetime, my doctors & I agree that there was most likely nerve damage.  

So, now I have a prosthesis that has the appearance of my right eye, my good eye, but there is no actual eyeball.  And worse, because of all of the surgical procedures, my eyelids on the left eye won't close all of the way, so I have to clean the left eye prosthesis dozens of times per day.  

There are other things I wish for, but I won't go into what they are as they're far more personal.  I know that wishing for things won't actually make any of them come true, but that doesn't mean I won't at least give it a shot.  

I'm awfully tired of this life, but I have no choice otherwise than to live and just bear with it, and hope for the best.  Between having awful migraines, having gastrointestinal problems from taking pain meds for 20 years, having lower back problems stemming from an old childhood injury, having a vision impairment, & also having emotional problems that I can't really talk with anybody about is beyond upsetting.  I just don't want to hurt anymore.  Not physically, emotionally/mentally/psychologically, etc.  

I just want to have a good supply of energy, no more pain, & no more feeling sick because the pain meds are giving me gastrointestinal issues.  I don't think it's too much to ask that I have a functional left eyeball to see out of, either.  But that's just how I feel about it!

Dear Denon August 12th 2020

Dear Denon,

On your birthday, I decided I'd write you a letter.  I know you've been gone for three years, but the pain of your loss is still quite strong.

While it aches my heart that you're no longer with us, you've definitely had an impact on everyone that your life has touched.  From your favorite cousin that lives in Colorado, to just about everyone else that is connected to you on Facebook and elsewhere.  I smile knowing that your time with us made our lives that much more fun & full of love!

From time to time, I'll look at pictures of us together, some from when we were kids going to the same school together which was a rare occurrence in our family, as you know, to more recent pictures including the one from your 30th birthday 10 years ago.  One of my favorites has always been when during your oldest daughter Morgan's 5th birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese's, we both hopped into that little mechanical kiddie truck, redneck-ing it!  

Another favorite photo is when, during Morgan's 8th birthday, you decided to try to sit on my lap.  That was a fun picture to take, among many others.

When I think of all of the things I'm grateful for, the one thing I'm truly grateful for is that I had you for a cousin, but more than that, you were the sister that I never got to have in this world.  Because of that special relationship, you were also many times my closest confidant.  I could talk to you about almost anything.  While we didn't always agree on certain topics, the love was always there.

I'm also truly grateful, as well as being highly blessed, that as a result of my relationship with you, through you I had the distinct honor of meeting your two beautiful girls, Morgan & Bailey.  Morgan, who never liked leaving my side, not even for a moment.  And Bailey who just wanted to crawl all over me.  

Because of you, they are now a huge part of my life.  I can't begin to fathom how much my life would be different had I not met them, and loved by them.  I'm especially honored by the nickname that Bailey gave me, "Feffy"!  It has become a treasured memory from our trip to Springfield, Missouri to Krystel's wedding in July 2007.

Some of the most cherished keepsakes of mine are the pictures I have of myself, and those two beautiful daughters of yours.  I wish I had more of them, but the ones I do have are my favorites.  And of course, the pictures of you and I together as well.  

I miss you!  I love you so much!  And I'm truly happy that because of you, your daughters Morgan & Bailey are now part of my life too!  I couldn't ask for better nieces!  I just wish you were still here, watching them become intelligent, strong, & gorgeous young women.  

I wish you were still with us so I could show you my prosthetic eye.  It's not perfect, but at least it's a step up from that original eye that caused me so much gawd-awful pain.  I think you'd be impressed with how much it looks like my good eye.  As you know, having the appearance of two normal eyes has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember.  

Happy posthumous 40th birthday, Denon!  I love you & miss you always!

Sincerely,

-Jeffrey R. Kuntzelman 2020

Your "Feffy"!

"Your bark is only as good as your bite. BITE HARD!" ~JRK 2004

JRK Thoughts Supplemental Log July 10th 2020

I feel like the world has gone upside down, and shit sideways as of late.  And it's not been just since the sudden onset of COVID-19/Coronavirus, either.  If it wasn't this deal with maskers vs. anti-maskers during a pandemic, it would've probably been something else that'd be equally stupid.  Maybe something like "Wear a hat!  Don't let your head burn in the sun!"  And some asshole would be like "Being told to wear a hat is OPPRESSION, man!  It violates my rights!"

Or, just think if the mandates were something REALLY silly like "Wear a long sleeve shirt in public, and reduce the amount of body hair being shed from your arms.  The less body hair being dumped around, the less chance of someone inhaling YOUR body hair and being infected with [XYZ virus]!"  And some idiot would be like "I can't wear a long sleeve shirt in public.  What if it's hot outside?  What if I want to show off my arms?  I'm telling you, this is fascist crap!  I know my rights!"

I still hold hope that information in the digital age can help save us, but only if minds, hearts, and eyes are open.  Unfortunately, it seems like even when faced with evidence that challenges dumb assumptions, there are those folks who simply feel they're being oppressed, controlled, their rights violated, whatever.  It's like if it's something that would hopefully protect both themselves against others, or protect others from themselves, or both, suddenly it becomes a fucking political belief issue.  Suddenly, everything becomes political right down to how toast is made, or which way is the proper way to have your toilet paper roll hanging.  It's over, not under!

And I'm sure someone, dare I say some asshole will say something to contradict that, because "Goddamn it, I'm right.  You're wrong.  And that's all there is to it!"

Whatever happened to saying, "You know, I never thought of it that way.  Maybe I should take another look at that idea."

Or, "I haven't considered that before.  Where can I find more information?"  Those who would challenge even basic scientific concepts, research, empirical data, and logical reasoning are simply making it difficult for the rest of us who understand the science, the medical terms, etc to get through this pandemic as quickly as possible with the fewest possible deaths as humanly possible.  Those same people who challenge simple scientific data are the same ones who will defy a mandate, but are quick to yell "LAW & ORDER" like a certain Orange Shitstain-in-chief, because they're the model textbook example of the word "hypocrite"!  

There, I said it!  

It's like the lot of them yelling "pro-life" because they are anti-abortion, and want ALL fetuses to be born, regardless of the risk to the health of the birth mother or for the child being born.  It just matters to the Pro-Life'ers that babies are born.  After that, though, the child as well as the mother (if she lives beyond childbirth in the risky birth of said child) are "on their own", as it were.  Why?  Pro-Life'ers tend to vote for politicians that want to take away basic human services that were developed to help either unwed or low-incomd newbie-mothers pay for or take care of their new child.  Gawd-forbid that mother and child get any help from the gov't, right?  But are told by "pro-life'ers" to "get a job" or "ask God for help." because that makes it all better right?  I don't think many of them realize just how hard it is for mothers anywhere to get a job while taking care of a newborn child or toddler.  

But back to the idea that Pro-Life'ers simply want ALL fetuses born, after they're born, the Pro-Life'ers cease to care, because many of the social programs designed to give a hand up are almost always on the chopping block of any budget proposal.

So, they're not really Pro-Life, are they?  They're "Pro-Birth".  And many Republicans/Trumpublicans only are Pro-Life'ers for two reasons.  One, they want to cut those social programs from the budget proposals, because that means more gov't money to raid for future wars.  Wars that get fought eventually by ... you guessed it, those forced births of children that have become a politician's "cannon fodder" of a "Trumped up" war.

BUT, I digress.

Wearing masks should be a simple, easy thing to do.  Hell, I have exercise-induced asthma, but I wear a mask when I'm out in public, and I do just fine with it.  But some assclown claims that doing so will lower oxygen intake.  I'm not going to get into the specifics on why that is a dumbass claim to make, but if that were true, then doctors who routinely have to wear a mask when performing hours-long surgery would be frequently complaining about it, and would experience oxygen deprivation on a frequent basis.  They don't.

I could go on and on, but the fact is this.  Say you read an article about some guy who, out of nowhere and for no reason shoots and kills a peaceful protester, and your first instinct is to defend that man by saying "Well, the protester wasn't peaceful.  They're just a violent thug, and they got what they deserved!", I got news for you.  You made an assumption without verifying ANYTHING, and worse you've taken to defending a murderer.  I honestly don't know which is worse, someone having murdered another human being for no reason, or someone else defending that murder by claiming it was justified "because the protester was a thug".  I think both are equally bad.

This is the bullshit, upside down world that has me wondering, "Will we survive this long enough to see a cure?  Or are we going to end up killing each other over really dumb fucking shit like wearing a fucking Gawddamn mask!?"

Perhaps it's best not to dwell on such things.  But I fear the day is coming when we may have to find out just how committed any of us are to defending ourselves against one another.  The United States, as far as this blind man is concerned, is apparently going to doom itself because we have an idiot-in-charge who thinks he's God's greatest gift to [name a noun, country, anything], and thinks he's smarter than any scientist who does research that is, literally, beyond his Orangeness's understanding.  And it shows clearly.  

The worst part is his narcissism, and that he's clearly projecting his own crimes.  Even worse yet is that he's empowered his supporters to be openly racist, openly anti-science, and openly anti-medicine.  This is clearly a dangerous situation, having a misinformed population that wouldn't know to open a nonfiction, peer-reviewed article of a scientific study even if one flew into their face and stuck to it.

I fear we may be all doomed because some few idiots in our society, especially in the United States, feel theyre being oppressed for having to wear a mask, but have absolutely ZERO FUCKING CLUE what it means to be mistreated on a massive scale such as the Jews in the Holocaust before, and during, WWII.  OR, how literally every native American tribe has been almost extinguished by European colonizers in the 15th, 16th, and 17th centuries and beyond. 

And I have not even yet touched on legalized slavery in Colonial America through half of the 19th century.  Then came the awful mistreatment of non-caucasians prior to the Civil Rights Act of 1964, but we STILL haven't quite figured out how to get rid of systemic racism.

I have some thoughts on that.  Quit teaching your little fucking bratlets, your fuck trophies, to hate others.  I think it ought to be a crime to do such a thing to a child.  It should be labeled as child abuse.

Anyway, I don't think we'll get through this COVID-19/Coronavirus crap until we're ALL prepared to suffer a little inconvenience here and there for the health and well-being of our fellow Americans, our fellow human beings.  But it has to start by us not giving in to hate or preconceived prejudices.

That's just how I feel about it!

JRK Thoughts 07-10-2020

If you're my friend, then you know I'm a left-wing liberal, agnostic man.  First things first, I cuss and swear a lot.  To the point that I just don't care anymore about someone's "sensitivities" or sensibilities.  Life won't censor itself just for you, so why should I?

Here are some things about me that you may or may not know:

I don't believe in being an undue asshole.  I don't believe in violence unless I am presented with little to no alternative, and only as a last resort unless I've been physically threatened.  Then all bets are off!  

I believe in peace.  I believe in the good of humanity.  I believe in many ideals from Star Trek as well as real world based cultures, not just the caucasian based ones.  

Even while agnostic, I believe in many of Jesus Christ's teachings of love, compassion, and being overly charitable without thought of any future reward(s).  I believe in these things because I have been through a lot of shit.  I've suffered abuse both at home from my late father (an alcoholic, drug addict, abusive asshat) as well as my older brother, and to some extent other family members & relatives, and at school while growing up, all while dealing with multiple health and medical problems, including some 30+ surgical procedures & treatments on my blind left eye.  

I've even had attempted suicide twice in my life.  The first time was when I was 11years old in Costa Mesa, CA (none of my family knew of it), and the 2nd time was in 2008 after having dealt with repeated abuse from my older brother, and dealing with GAWD-AWFUL pain from migraines that were the result of nerve damage from having so many surgical procedures on the left eye, and then having our dog Baby die from rectal cancer, as well as the prospect of losing my last official job.  I ended up in the hospital not once, but twice.

Both times were not fun!

Instead of letting these things make me incredibly bitter & angry at this world, and I'd have every right to be, I choose to use my experiences to help, to educate, to inform, & otherwise guide my fellow human beings to a more enlightened stage of life.  

But, aside from all of that, I will use the F-bomb a lot!  I'll say things that you will most likely disagree with, sometimes vehemently.  Whether you unfriend or unfollow me is always your choice.  I can't force anyone to learn anything that I've learned in my 40 years (going on 41 next month) of life.

But all I ask is for you to listen/read with an open mind, an open heart, and maybe along the way you'll see things from my perspective.  Maybe wouldn't be a bad idea to tape one of your eyes shut for 40 years, and you tell me how awesome life is after having been mistreated time and time again.  

Bottom line is this: don't simply prejudge what I'm about to tell you as "totally wrong liberal garbage".  Open your eyes.  It shouldn't take a blind man like myself to see what many others see.  Learn from my experience, my wisdom, my logic.  I may not have any of the right answers, but what I can offer are accurate observations.  Use them without using any preconceived notions that you may have about "liberals".

The JRK Pledge

From the desk of Jeffrey R. Kuntzelman aka "Admiral Blind Man" ©2019-2020

I Pledge!

I Pledge to listen.  

I Pledge to understand.

I Pledge to open my eye(s).

I Pledge to have an open mind.

I Pledge to read carefully any and all statements, news articles, comments, etc.

I Pledge to not overreact.

I Pledge to not say "all cops are bad" or all of any one group "is bad".

I Pledge to call out injustice when I see it, hear about it, read about it, or witness it for myself.

I Pledge to speak out against injustice in any form, wherever it may be, whatever it may be, by whomever it may be.

I Pledge not to to let preconceived notions or perceptions rule my judgment.

I Pledge to not be prejudiced against anyone.

I Pledge to defend my fellow human being, whether they're black, white, Asian, Hispanic/Latino, heterosexual, homosexual, men, women, and all else in between.

I Pledge not to harm my fellow human beings.

I Pledge to tell the truth when it matters the most.

I Pledge to share what I can, when I can with people who need it.

I Pledge to help my fellow human beings in whatever capacity I can.

I Pledge not to be an unnecessary asshole (or bitch).

I Pledge to use my talents for good.

I Pledge to be the positive example for my children, my cousins, my nieces & nephews, etc.

I Pledge not to display symbols of hate and claim them to be "heritage".

I Pledge not to use those symbols of hate to justify acts of violence against my fellow human being.

I Pledge to use my 1st Amendment rights responsibly.  

I Pledge to use all of my United States Constitutional Rights responsibly.

I Pledge to resist the temptation to lay blame where it doesn't belong.

I Pledge to consider all available facts and data before making any rash or unreasonable judgments.

I Pledge to never give up on my fellow human beings. 

I Plegde to show my fellow human beings compassion & basic levels of love & understanding.

I Pledge to always give a hand up to my fellow human being, regardless of their life's circumstances.

I Pledge to not let politics decide who I like, dislike, or otherwise believe.  

I Pledge to make up my own damned mind on the topics that matter.

I Pledge not to decide in advance anything important that could affect not just myself, but potentially affecting thousands, hundreds of thousands, or millions of people.

Will you take this pledge with me today, tomorrow, and always?

An Important Milestone Of My Life

After having a great Thursday afternoon & evening with mom as she prepares to move out of state this next week, I'm glad to be back home, enjoying the new gift she has graciously purchased for me as an early birthday & christmas present 🎁! 

We had dinner, we talked a lot about her future plans, and how things will be different in the weeks and months ahead.  We even got philosophical about other topics I won't repeat here.  In any case, it was good to have that "Let's end this run on a high note" kind of get-together ❤!

I don't think it has quite hit me yet that this new chapter will be a test of my own resolve to live independently, perhaps for the first time ever.  Previously, I was always within a few miles of a family member or relative that I had access to in case of a crisis or emergency.  Now, it'll be all on me to be an independent individual, and maybe this is something I need more than any gift my mother or any family member/relative, living or otherwise, could impart to me.

My therapist and I have discussed in recent weeks how my mother moving to Arizona will be a new chapter for both of us.  How it may force mom to be more independent, and hopefully have her learning to be more social with people again.  Perhaps it will do the same for me as well.  One thing is certain, this is definitely going to be far different than when I moved to Missouri the first time in 2000 to live with my idiot of an older brother.  It will be different than when I left Las Vegas in 2008 following a 2nd (in my life) suicide attempt & subsequent hospitalizations after trying to live with my idiot older brother (yet again!) for a 2nd time, and moving back in with my mother around that time.  

This time, I will not only be living alone in my own apartment, I will be doing so without having family members or relatives nearby in the event of a major crisis or emergency on my part.  It's a bit ... well, scary!  I haven't ever truly lived on my own, so this is going to be a new experience. I have no doubt, however, that this will help both my mother and myself grow as individuals.  It will help us both in how we approach life, and the challenges therein.

I know there will come a day when my mother isn't going to be available at all.  That she will leave this world, and I will truly be alone until my time comes.  Hopefully, that won't be for several decades.  I'm hoping to live to be 100 years old.  That's the goal! 😉👍🏻

Today's anniversary is not a pleasant one

Today marks the 22nd anniversary of the 1st glaucoma related eye surgery in Las Vegas, NV, the first of dozens later, that would inevitably result in nerve damage that triggers my awful migraines.  It nearly cost me my high school graduation, among other things.

I'm trying to look at the bright side.  Like the fact that I'm finally having less pain, less frequent days of pain.  And that I finally have a primary care doctor who not only takes me seriously, but also doesn't dismiss my problems as though I'm either a "pill popping" or "hypochondriac" type of patient.  He takes the time to really listen to me, and genuinely wants to help me get better.  Unlike some physicians in a certain "sin city" place. 😒

Though, the unrelenting pain, and the subsequently frequent time off work & avoiding social gatherings with friends, had cost me dearly.  I've lost some friends, lost good jobs, and of course up until my 2016 enucleation surgery, only ONE person in my family (other than a certain late cousin's two lovely daughters ❤) believed that my migraines and other health & medical conditions were valid and real.  

And that person was certainly NOT the older sibling.

I sometimes am up late at night wondering where the time has gone.  Some old proverb says that "Time flies when you're having fun!"  Who the fuck is this asshole that said this?  Time flies when you're doing anything that preoccupies your mind.  In this case, the last 22 years have NOT been a bucket full of sunshine for me.  It certainly has not been anything that resembles fun!

Oh, I had fun at certain moments, with certain friends, and even at certain places.  But overall, I wish I had much of that time back so that I could make other, more informed choices.  Instead of the ones presented to me, either by certain doctors, certain unhelpful family members, & other people I won't mention here.

I feel like I've been sorely cheated, and yet someone would tell me that I'm still quite young.  Well, relatively speaking, sure.  I'm young compared to an oak tree 🌳 lifespan.  I'm young compared to an Australian turtle [queue "Crush" from "Finding Nemo", one of my favorite animated films from Disney]! 

At 40 years old, with all that's been going wrong with me, I feel much much older.  My back hurts constantly.  Doesn't matter if I'm lying down, standing up, standing or walking for any time longer than 5 or 10 minutes tops, or when I'm trying to sleep.  

My head still hurts from migraine pain occasionally.  It could be fine right up until I go to bed, and the next day I'll wake up feeling like someone took a 2x4 to it all night long.  Mornings 🌄 are becoming the bane of my existence.

I've had recent ankle surgery from having an ankle injury that resulted because I didn't see the pothole in the sidewalk on my way home from a 7-11 store.  Thanks to my vision impairment there.  

I've become extremely dependent on local paratransit & non-emergency transportation services to get to & from doctor, therapists/therapy, & related appointments as well as going shopping when I need to, and going to & from Mom's place.  I'm frustrated at being unable to just get up & go like I used to do with my 2000 Chevy Blazer aka "Ruby".  I miss Ruby!

I miss having fun with friends in Las Vegas, NV!  I miss the ocean breeze & sunsets in Southern California (Orange 🍊 County, specifically).  I miss not having pain.  Or feeling lost.  I miss being able to work, get a good size paycheck, and being able to be proud of my work.  I miss going to class in college.  I miss doing my assignments with enthusiasm and energy.

Sometimes, I feel like my life is just one big failure after another.  And it all started 22 years ago when I underwent the first of many surgical procedures to remedy the problem of high glaucoma pressure.  For about a year and a half, I went through over a dozen surgeries (I lost count at 15 or so).  Back then, the eye doctor in Las Vegas, NV (Dr. Kevin Miller) performed those surgeries while I was sedated, which helped me out since pain & I aren't good pals.  

Nowadays with my current eye surgeon, sedation is rare.  

And I wish the fun ended there.  I'm worried about my eye socket.  Lately, the eyelids are wanting to close almost entirely, and the socket itself continues to shrink.  I'm worried that if my eye doctor can't help fix it soon, we may have to start all over.  She assures me that would be a last resort, but I'm still worried.

I'm back to hating to look into the mirror, even if it's to clean the left eye 👁 socket.  I'm tired of seeing only my good right eye, and an empty almost closed-up left eye socket.  

Do you want to know what my biggest lifelong dream has been?  Other than to be a professionally proficient musician & writer?  I've always wanted to have a functioning actual left eye, complete with the lifelong experience of having vision out of both it & my normal pre-existing good eye. 

I've wished for that almost every night for the past 35-ish years.  For a while, I came close to it with the prosthetic eye cover.  Granted, it couldn't see or anything, but I was able to look in the mirror without feeling... dread!

And I'm back to that dreadful feeling again when I know I have to go look in the mirror for any reason.  I'm tired of that.  I'm also tired of not feeling useful, not feeling needed, and feeling awful when I look into the mirror.  I don't know why I exist, but I'm tired of it being a universe super secret mystery.  

*sigh*

I just want to feel like I have some kind of a life that isn't being wasted on one medical or health problem after another. 😢

Caregivers of a certain heritage & Being Mistreated!

“**FAIR WARNING**

This is a rant post!!

Hi,

I don't always like to make these types of blog entries, but I felt that I should say something about an issue that my homemaking caregiver / personal care worker ran into the last 72 hours. Something that was a little troubling as well as disconcerting to me. I know she didn't think much of it, but I've had some time since she left to think it over myself to come up with a possible explanation on why she was rudely confronted.

Apparently, according to the lady helping me with homemaking services, when she was doing my laundry, she was given a ration of shit about using a washer and/or a dryer within my apartment building. The person, possibly another resident of the building, was giving her a hard time claiming they were there first & had a claim to the facilities even though she had been waiting in the laundry room in my apartment building for quite some time, alone, and waiting to use the facilities in question.  And according to the personal care worker, there were plenty of washers & dryers left for the potential resident to use.

From what I heard from the personal care homemaker services worker, this man or woman was rude to her, and quite abrasive over a goddamn fucking washer/dryer. That was clearly not in use at the time this person walked in & began to mistreat her, and as I understand it the machines in the laundry room are first come, first serve. Nobody has fucking dibs on unused washers and/or dryers that are clearly for all residents to use regardless if being used by the actual resident or their proxy (caregivers).

The homemaking helper and myself agreed initially that this rude person was probably having a bad day or something, but as I thought about it after she left, the woman helping me with my personal care needs is of Asian heritage. Which led me to believe that the person wasn't being simply rude as they were potentially using their prejudices & preconceived notions of Asians having "started" certain diseases & illnesses (which are unfounded claims) to give my hired personal care worker a hard time.

Let it be known that I don't tolerate any bigotry or racism or hatred whatsoever in any way, shape, or form. I don't care much for people using their fears to justify being racists, bigots, or otherwise rude & inconsiderate motherfuckers to people they've not met before, and have only their fears from being fed to them by certain media (*COUGH* FOX NEWS *COUGH*) as well as certain elected representatives in DC like the NIC (nutjob-in-chief) to justify their fearmongering opinions & often their unmitigated hatred of non-Christian and/or non-caucasian (non white people in layman's tongue).

I will not ever tolerate someone being abusive to other human beings who are minorities/ethnicities whom the racist(s) and/or bigoted white folk consider to be seemingly "Un-American" or an "illegal immigrant" of any sort. We're all goddamn human beings. People who give in to fears, hatred, or preconceived beliefs about others because it feels comfortable to be that way are the reason we're in this shitheap of a mess around the world. We need less fearmongering & more understanding. Less intolerance of other human beings, and more acceptance & friendship. Love & tolerance will save us! Not hate. Not bigotry. Definitely NOT fear or fear-mongering. Certainly never a mix of either bigotry, fear, hate, racism, etc.

If I should ever catch someone mistreating ANY ethnic man, woman, and/or child, I will defend that person of any non-caucasian background that is a .minority, and Gawd-willing I will use at my disposal the most important & powerful weapon I have in my arsenal: my knowledge & my wisdom. Of course, I'll also use my blind cane if necessary. I just hope I never have to! Violence is never the answer, and only to be used as a very last resort.

That is not a threat. That is a fact as well as a promise!

Do not put me to that test! I don't care how disabled I may be, I will defend my fellow human being if necessary. Hopefully, with love & kindness long before resorting to any action that could lead to a confrontation. I'd much prefer to avoid that whenever possible.

And before you ask, I'll notify police before I take any defensive act. Let this be a warning to the bigots & racists out there. It'll be your only warning from yours truly!

Sincerely,

~Jeffrey

aka "Admiral Blind Man" 2020”

My JRK dream home!

I would love to have my own house.  Specifically, I'd like to have a house built with specifications that had me in mind when the designs were being laid out, and had my lifestyle in mind when construction began.  For my own amusement, I will offer some highlights of what would be & should be in the custom designed house.

First, I would like to have lights everywhere that either are Alexa or Google Home enabled, or have proximity sensors for when I enter any given area.  Whether it's a hallway, a bathroom, a bedroom, a kitchen, etc.  If done by proximity sensors, then the area should light up (when appropriate) as I enter the room or the hallway.  But especially having lights automatically turn on when I go into the bathroom.  An extra helpful feature for bathroom lighting would be if the lights in it would GRADUALLY turn up in intensity from a low setting so as not to make me totally blind temporarily, and slowly goes to a higher lighting level each minute I am in the bathroom until I leave the bathroom or until it reaches full intensity.  Whichever comes first.

In the living room, and the master bedroom, I would want 75" HDTV's built-in to the walls with a kick ass sound system in each that can be remotely controlled with either a remote or voice activation through Alexa or Google Home.

My kitchen?  Fully automated with voice control with Alexa, Google Home, or even Bixby (Samsung phones) controlled.  Especially having both a microwave and a Keurig coffee maker to be activated by voice control.  The lighting would also be activated by proximity sensors as appropriate when daylight is low or when the room itself has low light.

Only ONE room needs to be special.  A music room.  The kind of music room that has my guitar, my keyboard piano, & three drum sets all surrounded by sound-proofed walls.  Two of the drum sets are left hand oriented (both an acoustic and also electronic drum set), while one remains right hand oriented (an acoustic drum set).  As well as other music equipment that could dwarf the shit out of any "garage band" set up.  I mean, this music room in my custom made dream home would make garage band look like pissant shit in comparison.

An entertainment / video gaming room.  One in which has the latest video game consoles including VR tech for two or more players with a 65" 4k HDTV (probably not 3D, since that never works with my vision).  One side of the room has all electronics, while the other side, divided by a soundproof wall, is filled with tons of fiction & nonfiction books, manuals, & any miscellaneous types of written paper.  

My living room would have a 45" HDTV, nothing fancy, having built-in Roku, accessing any number of streaming choices, music, etc.  A comfortable couch for guests to kick back on, a couple of comfy chairs on the sides with a modest sized coffee table in the center.  Fireplace optional, but highly desired.  A small size refrigerator next to the living room TV for guests only to have drinks from.  Maybe a couple of snacks in there as well.

We come to the master bedroom.  This will be where I rest, possibly with a future Mrs. "Admiral Blind Man", on a Queen size bed fit for a king!  A small 32" HDTV, with a basic sound system installed to give it a rich sound, but nothing fancy.  A small desk on one side of the room, along with some shelves for knickknacks, a few books, etc.  Basically, i want this room to be where I can find peace & solitude when I need it. 

At least ONE extra bedroom for guests who would like to stay a night or two.  With it's own refrigerator, stocked up by the guests themselves.  A small full size bed, maybe a shelf or two, a small closet, and a basic set of replenishable toiletries both men & women in case I happen to have men & women guests.  Though, I can't imagine who'd ever want to come visit me for a night or two.  Don't get me wrong, that'd be nice.  I just don't see it happening. 

Front yard is small, with desert landscaping.  A garage big enough to be both a car port and a storage.  I would like both an attic and a basement for additional storage space.  A small desert landscaped back yard, possibly with a small water fountain that is voice controlled with Alexa or Google Home.

For the front door, a doorbell that records video and I get a live feed on any device for security purposes.  An alarm system that is an independent version in which calls police and/or fire rescue if shit goes sideways with a burglary and/or robbery attempt.

I would also enjoy a room in which I can showcase my weapons.  My swords and knives, and should I purchase firearms in the future, those too!  Hey, I may be a blind man, but I can still see well out of my good eye to shoot guns (as I've done before)!

I think that just about does it for my JRK Dream Home.  Hope you enjoyed reading this one! 

It has been suggested

Mom says I really need someone to be with me the remainder of this month or until I'm in physical therapy, whichever should come first.  Mainly to help me get around, get dressed (as that has become a challenge since the surgery), and other things I won't mention here.

I can't say that I disagree with that, but I will say this is exactly the major reason why I want to explore the possibilities of having a girlfriend/wife in my life.  Someone I can trust not only to help me (and let me reciprocate that help when necessary), but also accompany me to doctor appointments, and especially after surgeries or when I must go to the ER.  I have never enjoyed going to those things alone when Mom can't be present for any number of legit reasons.

Plus, let's face it.  My mother (like anyone else's parents) won't be around forever.  And I can't ask my relatives for help since they all see me as the one who has faked his conditions (despite evidence to the contrary), and also envisions me as the "black sheep" of the entire clan.  Mostly because of my political, religious, & social views.  When mom moves out of state, it will be the first time ever that I have lived on my own without someone close by me in the same geographical area.  I will truly be living alone, and it is frightening to some extent.  

To face the prospect of the changes in my life without support is terrifying.  I don't have anymore the mental stamina to combat this.  I'm also lacking physical stamina to face this new challenge by myself.  Somehow, in whatever way, I've begun to feel less confident in my abilities as a single unmarried man.  I'm strong in some areas, but not so much in many more areas than otherwise.  And that's just for starters.

As I said, nobody's parents live forever.  There comes a point in every person's life that they must deal with the death of a parent.  I've already gone through that once with my dad in December of 2003 when he died just 12 days shy of his 49th birthday that would've been on Christmas Day that year.  That alone was tough, and I had to struggle with grief & a lot of worsening depression for many years after he died.  I still have some issues with anxiety disorder & depression relating to his death.  Far more than I'd care to go on about in this blog.

Only until the past few years did I finally stop having depression & anxiety episodes related to our time together as a family, and relating to his very abrupt passing.  When my mother's time comes, and it will inevitably, that will be the hardest on me.

While we haven't always seen eye to eye, no pun intended, I still love her dearly, and I want to see her be happy & healthy, and living her life in happiness.  I'm sure she wants the same for me.  Out of my entire family, she was among the few who believed me when I said I was in extraordinary pain with migraines (that we later found out why).  She took me in when I was facing being homeless in Las Vegas, NV, and through helping her deal with her health & medical struggles, I helped myself grow, and learn how to deal with frustrating situations including my own medical & health problems.

But I know that regardless of when it comes time, hopefully several decades from now, it will be hard.  I love my mom, and while she wasn't perfect, she at least tried to do her best.  However, when she leaves this world, unless I work towards being in an intimate relationship with a woman, I will be having to deal with many of my medical & health challenges alone.  

Sure, there are things, resources such as home healthcare, home personal care, nursing homes (Gawd no!), and many other options, but I won't have family members to count on.  And I refuse to let my brother manage any part of my life whatsoever.  Much less actually be part of my life at all.  I don't want him to have any kind of leverage to put me in a position that would compromise my health including my mental health (which has been the result of his attitudes and behavior towards me when we LAST lived together.  I emphasize the word "last", because it will have been the very last time I live with an abusive family member.  

Though while I want to explore the possibilities of a romantic & intimate relationship with a woman, I have found it difficult to imagine myself being in that sort of relationship.  Like as soon as I try to imagine doing anything with a woman, my mind just shuts down as though it's saying "No!  That's too selfish of you to think you deserve to have a girlfriend/wife of your own!  You're a bad individual for believing you deserve that kind of life!"

I know that none of that is true, but it's probably what my mind has been trained to think.  Honestly, I have felt like this for a long time.  Maybe even prior to high school when I had a major crush on a 6th grade classmate hispanic girl (who will remain nameless for her privacy sake).  Every time I tried to imagine myself with her, I couldn't.  My mind wouldn't let me.  And for argument sake, none of what I try to imagine with any woman then or now has ever been a sexual fantasy.  It's always been trying to imagine doing the little things.  Things such as holding hands, cuddling, having a relaxing drive to someplace calm and quiet, watching TV/movies together, playing video games together, writing together, or playing musical instruments together.  Maybe imagining this fantasy woman teaching me to play the piano, or guitar.  Maybe light kissing, perhaps.  Things that every established couple takes for granted.  Besides, I've never really wanted sex.  I just want companionship.  Someone I can trust when important decisions are at hand, or I can talk to her when I need someone to bounce ideas off of.  Someone who could feel comfortable coming to me for the same reasons.  I want an EQUAL partnership type of relationship.  

But the most important reason I want to be in a relationship with a woman is so that I don't have to face this world alone when my mother leaves this world.  Someone who will take my hand and say "Wanna go around again!?" (referring to my favorite episode of Futurama)

Or taking my hand to say "We can do this together, Jeffrey!"

I want that!  All of that!

My mood swings from yesterday!

I wanted to also say that yes, I was feeling down this time yesterday.  I awoke in a lot of pain, as well as feeling sick to my stomach.  However, when I got in the mail my new Starfleet admiralty bars in the mail yesterday afternoon, I felt instantly better!  

The bars on the left were the smaller ones, not curved, and were on my uniform shirt collar.  The ones on the right were, as you can see, bigger, and curved for a collar/neck area.  

When I wanted to see how they'd look on my uniform, I felt the desire to have some pictures taken.  So I had asked my friend from just a few doors down from my apartment to help me with the pictures, & I felt instantly better while wearing that uniform.  Like I was born to wear it!  She kept remarking to me how handsome I looked in that uniform!

But I digress!

So, yeah, I have mood swings.  This is part of my mental health problems with bipolar disorder 2.  I admit that openly not to gain sympathy/empathy from friends.  Only acceptance that I have to deal with it, & have dealt with it for some time.  That my depression, anxiety, etc are all part of a lifelong struggle for me, and while there's no official cure, my treatment is wearing the Star Trek outfit when I can, despite having a belly that I struggle with as well, and it doesn't help my mental health any.  I would love to be back down to 165lbs, but ideally, I would settle for 180lbs.  

Because my diet can't hardly change, I must find the energy, while in chronic pain, to get into exercise, but I'm always just too tired, unmotivated, & again... pain!  Plus, I don't know where to start, or even how to start making it a habit again!  All I know is that I 1) don't want to end up like my late father (in more ways than on), & 2) I want to live with better health, feeling better (physically & emotionally), & finally having the kind of companionship that, for whatever reason, I'm unable to imagine for myself.  It may be part of my depression & other mental health problems, i.e. the bipolar disorder II.  

So, if friends want to unfriend me for that, I bid you farewell, & I hope you find what you're looking for in life.  Because I'm still looking for my own lifelong happiness.